Corporal Bone Spurs

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

In the long and storied history of the United States in moments of crisis the has President always stepped into the gap to reassure the American people. Well, most of the time. Donald Trump and the whole staff of Romper Room held a news conference the other day to reassure the American public and Wall Street that a cool hand was at the throttle in this moment of financial crisis. “We have these great plans! We’re going to do stuff! You’re gonna love it. Plans…big, big plans!”

Four Score and seven years ago our for fathers, had great plans They we’re gonna do stuff. The only thing we have to fear is no plans or great stuff! The markets were so heartened to see this act of Presidential leadership the futures markets tanked to the maximum and were shut off.

Then yesterday the whole gang got dressed up and put their ties on for the big reveal. We were going to hear about the big, big plans but the President was a no show. Under normal conditions the President not showing up for a meeting could be considered a good thing. But…since he said, just you wait and see we got big, big plans it was a little surprising not to see his orange smiling face.

The markets bounced back which under normal conditions would be a good thing. But this was more like a ricochet, the markets were looking for guidance and got; Please excuse Donald from the meeting today his bone spurs were acting up.

The markets began to slide again on the information that there wasn’t a cool hand on the throttle and the President was a no show. Realistically no one expects miracles from the administration. They’ve discussed payroll tax cuts and tinkering around the edges but doing stuff conflicts with the policy of See No Evil, Hear No Evil and speak only to Fox News. Those alternative facts are  interfering with reality again.

In recent years American oil producers have taken a larger share of the world market. For Saudi Arabia it means stability cause they’re the big dog on the porch. Russia sells oil through pipelines to Europe. They have one market and that’s Europe and American producers ever increasing production leaves Russia …out in the cold.

The Russians and Saudis sat down like civilized countries to hash out a production cut and everyone was going to be happy. What say, we each cut production by a million and a half barrels per day hmmm? How does that sound to you? Nyet! Americanski taking food off our plate why don’t you cut production and you take the hit! Well see, we’re Saudi Arabia. We’re like the McDonalds of oil and we can do whatever it is we want to do. The Russians answered, we’re like the McDonalds of trouble we can turn on the pumps and let them run. The Saudis answered, “We’ll see your stupidity and raise you an insanity!”

And Donald Trump stepped to the podium, we have big, big, plans. Just you wait, you’re going to love them.

Behold the world stage without a President on it. In normal times, the President would send an envoy to mediate the crisis. But this is the Trump administration…who would you send? The ability of a sycophant to make the boss happy doesn’t correlate into skills of international negotiations. So, the Romper Room staff were forced to hold another press conference. This time without the President to explain that we really do have these great, great plans but we really can’t give you any details because we don’t know what the President thinks.

Where was the Cheeto in Chief? We don’t know, like Vietnam he’s not there. He’s President Houdini, he’s escaped the Mueller report and Impeachment and now, Presto Chango he’s disappeared!

I’ve seen Presidential news conferences delayed and I’ve seen them cancelled outright but a no show to your own press conference in the midst of a world crisis? Where could he be?  “It’s the story of a man named Brady who was busy with three boys of his own.” Maybe he wasn’t watching The Brady Bunch, but I’d wager there’s a big screen and a Lazy boy involved somewhere.

Ding, ding, ding, time for work you big orange gallute! It’s not all hail to the chief and photo ops all the time. You can’t explain this one away by the helicopter. The American people and financial markets were waiting for a president to show up, but he didn’t. World Markets were waiting for the President to show up, but he didn’t.

He has big, big, plans but the Romper Room staff hasn’t thought of them yet. They’re gonna be great! You wait and see!

The President has been touting his leadership as the cause of the stock markets precipitous rise. He can’t offer any plans because to offer plans is to admit to a problem. Das is Verboten in the Cheeto administration and grounds for termination. So, they must come up with plans which don’t involve admitting to any problems. Hence a plunging oil market is described as “Good for consumers.” Or the Titanic advertising, “Every stateroom has an ocean view!”

Some President’s come into office and face a crisis the first day. The Cheeto has had it easy, take Putin’s side at the press conference and tweeting out witness intimidation. This is different, this is real and concrete, Corporal Bone Spurs is absent without leave tuning up his violin while Rome’s burning.

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