This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Any idiot can start an insurgency. Now with that broad general statement, let me point out that Donald Twump isn’t just any idiot. His movement was doomed from the start; because the conditions weren’t right for an insurgency. If Twump had read Che Guevara’s book, he would have known that. You must have an enemy to focus the public’s hatred against. In our own American Revolution, it was red coats. Not various liberal Democrats, doing nebulous things that conservatives don’t like.

The hardest part of any insurgency, is getting the shooting to stop. Many is the insurgency big shot, who as the struggle winds down, ends up shot big.  You’ve won the game, and now it’s on to the lighting round, to see who gets struck by lightning! Judges say, “You!” They say Hamid Karzai, the former American selected President of Afghanistan, walked away with a cool $500 million. Can you imagine that? And from a dump like Afghanistan! It was easy, he was working for the great Satan. The great Satan has lots of money and almost never makes you empty your pockets. You can steal almost anything. (Your tax dollars at work!)

So, when the great Satan descends on your country with an eye of setting up a corporatocracy, disguised as a phony democracy. Who are you gonna call? Dial 1- 800 Gr8t Satan B Gone or visit our website, WWW. Stopgreatsatan.com. Click on the link to insurgent weaponry. Use the special-order code: LEATHAL for an extra special discount. Do you need cash? Ask about, our special finance the insurgents program. The great Satan has many enemies, and they all have checkbooks!

Then comes that glorious day comes when your insurgency becomes the official government, and they go on the stop the great Satan website only to find, “no account found.”  They call the 800 number seeking answers, and more money but are told, “You got the wrong number buddy, don’t call here again! Oh yeah and ah, fuck off!” You were my friend and helped me to defeat the great Satan! “I was never your friend. I was the great Satan’s enemy, and now he’s defeated, so like I said, fuck off.”

Achmed! How many millions do we still have in the Swiss Bank account? Find out and then call all the leaders together, for a special secret meeting I’m gonna hold out in the woods. It’s a secret meeting, so they mustn’t tell anyone where they are going. And Achmed, don’t forget to bring the Kalashnikovs and the shovels.

It seems two of the Taliban’s top leaders have gone missing. Taking some well-deserved time off, covered with dirt in an undisclosed horizontal location. Mullah Haibatullah Akhundzada and Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, were last seen locked in a heated dispute over government ministry assignments and have now taken an unannounced, saved up vacation time. Baradar was one of the most prominent faces of the Taliban leadership. But that’s insurgency for you, here today gone tomorrow!

The Taliban announced that it will evict 3,000 Afghans from government military housing. Since the government you worked for no longer exists. You can’t live here anymore! The Afghans took to the streets in protest, forgetting the great Satan is gone, and Taliban has never heard of bean bags. The same thing happened in France once. And all the little bourbons had to hit the bricks and take it on the shoe leather.

A myriad of problems, as insurgency is easy. You just shoot at the foreign guys in uniform. But once in power, you must do things a little more complicated than shoot a gun. Now the Taliban is made up of primarily of rural people, religious but uneducated. The average type that has never seen more than $28 cash money in their lives. They don’t read, they don’t write, and someone tells them the news. “Yes, yes, I know. You’re waiting for the Faux News Joke.” But, what chance do I stand, at the feet of the master?

“The Daily Caller,” the conservative website operated by that Tucker Fucker and financed by Republican Dark money claims that the Taliban, will sell Bagram Air Base to the Communist Chinese! Let’s all calm down and let the air out of our shoes. Let’s take stock, if the Chinese were to buy the Bagram air base. How many foreign air bases will the Chinese then own? Well, if they buy Bagram, one, Bagram. The base could clearly be very useful to the Chinese; they could use the base to fly around Afghanistan, looking around for the great Satan who is not there anymore.

Let’s review, you fight a twenty-year insurgent war to rid your country of foreigners and then you make the suggestion of selling their huge air base to foreigners! A suggestion like that would likely get you invited to the secret meeting out in the woods. The goal of conservative media isn’t to inform, it’s to strike fear and terrorize. Obama is going to take your guns! Hillary is a satanic pedophile and Joe Biden is a dictator! After all, this is all Joe’s fault! Why didn’t he just use the evacuation plans developed and left behind by the Twump Administration?

The British couldn’t fix Afghanistan, and neither could the Russians. The Americans simply made it worse building a boom town economy, with rampant corruption. The Afghan warlords were paid millions, by the great Satan, just to watch the highway. They won’t just say, “Oh good, the Taliban is here! Honey, put the kettle on, while I go find the anal lube and drop my drawers.”

The great Satan is gone, and now the real war starts. The same conditions which made insurgency possible before, still exist. Caves filled with weaponry and arsenals confiscated from the Afghan Army. The great Satan has defiled them and made them unholy and unclean. Muslim, fuslim, where’s my money asshole!

Afghanistan is a tribal society, and you must show them you are a member of the tribe. You must  give them all those pictures of Ben Franklin that the great Satan once gave to you. Otherwise, we are holding a secret meeting out in the woods, and they are all waiting for you!

Message to the United Nations: Gather up the relief supplies and gas up the aircraft. As soon as they tire of killing each other. Those still left alive, are going to be hungry.