This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

The orange pot wants the Army kettle tried for treason. Revelations from the new Bob Woodward book say, that General Milley, Twump’s chosen man. Warned the Chinese that Twump was falling off his skateboard and not pay any attention to anything peculiar, that he might say or do in the near future. Why am I thinking Dr. Strangelove here? Or how I learned not to fear the Twump. I first came across this political gambit back during those fabulous 1960s, where I was stuck in the eight-grade.

That zany and always fun at parties, Richard Nixon. Had just hired a kid fresh out of the foreign service, by way of being the interpreter for the head of the CIA, in occupied Germany. Henry Kissinger had a long and storied history, most of which was classified. Anyway, Dick (We all called him Dick back in the day. If anyone had said, “Richard Nixon” they were probably Republicans who probably didn’t smoke weed and were uncool.) was having a problem with the North Vietnamese. Dick sent Henry (Hank) Kissinger to Paris to negotiate for him.

Big formal ceremony at Le Grande Days Inn downtown, red carpets fancy drapes, cameras clicking, flash bulbs going off with handshakes and smiles all around. Then they go behind closed doors and Hank shouts, “Oh Thank God! Look, you gotta help me! He’s crazy I tell you, he’s cray cray! We’re hitting him with Thorazine, every couple of hours and can barely slow the old boy down. And all he keeps talking about is you guys! He’s obsessed with you, and we can’t legally restrain him!

He says stuff like, “wouldn’t be fun to drop a nuclear bomb today, Hank? Hank, can you guess where I want to drop a nuclear bomb today? Hank, we have to show these people we’re serious Hank. By killing every last one of them so, that way, they will always remember us Hank! Look, they got my family! You have to negotiate, please! Before he takes the mixer out of the pancake batter, without turning it off first! Despite a virtuoso performance, the North Vietnamese weren’t buying it.

The gambit also appears in the dark days of World War II. Winston Churchill made his first trip to Soviet Russia, to meet with brother Joe Stalin. A trip Churchill called, “Like carrying a large lump of ice to the North Pole.” Stalin tried to bully the PM and made slanderous remarks about the British Army and Britain in general. Churchill never lost his diplomatic aplomb. Shown to their most certainly bugged quarters. Churchill put his finger to his lips and then let out a torrent of that famous Churchillian prose. I’ll translate into Alabamian for brevity. “Fuck that Son of a Bitch and the horse he rode in on! Pack our bags, one more word and we’re blowin this pop stand!” Stalin was a perfect gentleman for the balance of the trip.

Stalin wasn’t cray, cray. He was cunning and diabolical, but not crazy. Nixon had his moments, but generally could be trusted to complete a sentence. The Nix was in a fix. He’d promised America, that if he were elected, he’d end the Vietnam War. And the Vietnamese had heard him when he said it.  Dick had tried just about everything. He’d tried bombing the Vietnamese, war crimes against the Vietnamese, and even secret wars around the Vietnamese, and nothing seemed to work. So, they (Dick &Hank) decided on a strategy of “He’s just crazy enough to do! If you don’t negotiate!”

But with Milley and Twump there is another factor, believability. The Chinese were very well aware of every move inside the Twump White House. Rupert Murdoch’s ex-wife is accused of being a Chinese spy. If Faux News doesn’t know about the goings on at Twump White House, who does? You can tell me Nixon’s gonna drop the bomb, and maybe I believe you, and then again, maybe I don’t. I don’t believe Churchill would ever walk away from a deal he so desperately needed, because of hurt feelings.

But, when somebody calls in a green uniform, hiding behind their chair in the war room of Twump’s White’s Only House. With one hand covering the receiver shouting, “You gotta stop him! He’s outta control” before the line goes dead!” You gotta pay attention to that! Cabinet members were discussing the 25^th amendment within the first weeks of joining the Administration! Members who would hide upstairs, because they knew the Hungry, Hungry Hippo would never attempt to ascend Mt. Staircase, all alone. (That too much like work!)

A picture of Twump roaming empty hallways emerges, with staff and officers, fleeing before him like Hyacinth Bucket. “Look out! Quick, here he comes!” Out of sight and out of mind and he’s absolutely out of his mind. But this is where the rubber meets the road, adding a new dementia to the “he’s crazy as hell gambit,” With Twump, they could actually mean it.  Nixon wouldn’t actually nuke a third world country. He might threaten it behind closed doors. Churchill would never let his country go down the tubes over his personal hurt feelings, Twump would.

Was Milley telling tales out of school? Or was Twump listening in on the extension and snickering into his hand the whole time? “Ask him if he has Prince Albert in a can? Is your refrigerator running? Is John there?” But, if you’re crazy and you know that you’re crazy, doesn’t that mean that you’re at least partly sane? Twump the inscrutable, sure he’s crazy, but just how crazy is he really?

The horror stories emerging from Twump’s White’s Only House. With plans to grab Fay Ray and scamper up the side the of the skyscraper. Calling in a drone strikes to take out the biplanes circling overhead. “Someone get me Princess Leia on the phone. I don’t care if she’s dated Wookie’s before! She’s still cute, and my wife’s out of town!” I’m afraid that she’s deceased sir. “God Damn Wookie’s! That’s it! Get me the B-52’s on the horn!” The musical group or the airplanes sir? “The airplanes god damn it! The airplanes! You know, how I hate a smart ass! Scaramouche was a funny guy too, and you see how long he lasted! Call North Dakota, and tell them to get the planes ready, tonight we bomb Wookie land!