This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

It is blood which keeps us living, but only laughter can keep us sane. Without laughter, the Aliens would call Earth the “Serial Killer” planet. The gods of laughter look down upon us and empty out their horn of plenty. Who among us can say that their life wasn’t enriched? By the sight of Donald Twump walking up the steps of Air force One, with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe? My personal favorite recollection, was the case of “Curious Donald visits the Queen.” I’ll keep that picture always unto death. I visit it sometimes, when I feel down, and it never disappoints.

Curious Donald, wearing a tux originally built for a smaller man. Looking like a busted can of biscuits, a picture worth ten thousand words, because of the obvious backstory. “Hey Bill, did you remember to bring the President’s tux?” No, I thought you had it! “Oh shit! And he’s supposed to have dinner with the Queen of England tonight!” Stop the car! Look, over there, a petrol station that also rents Tuxedos! We’re saved! He said, it was the last one they had, because there’s a convention in town. He said, the trouser cuffs were guaranteed by the Tennessee Valley Authority against rising flood waters, whatever that means.

There is a reason why Mississippi is located inside Mississippi, no one will let them out. It’s America’s training ground for Hollywood, stereotypical Southern Governors. “The Lawd has been mighty gracious to us. Oh, my yes, and is to be commended for only taking one in three hundred of your lives thus far. The Lawd rewards us for our faithfulness. Say your prayers, tithe at the church or Synagogue of your choice. Don’t wear a mask and don’t get vaccinated. And the Lawd will probably only kill ten or twelve thousand of you poor, dumb ignorant bastards before this thing is all over.

The Mississippi Governor was asked, “if, you had it to do over, would you change anything?” The Governor took his thumbs out from under his custom-made suspenders. “Wha? Mwah? Don’t blame me; I didn’t do anything! I’m like the wallpaper around here son, just hanging round for appearances! Tours of the Governor’s mansion have been suspended, at least until they get the new wheels put back on. Pee wee Herman falling off his bicycle saying, “I meant to do that!” I didn’t kill nobody; it was the will of the Lawd what done that!

These are the lessor children of the orange idiot. And they all seek favor from their orange Daddy! “Look at me Daddy! I outlawed Abortion!” Look at me Daddy, I angered the cruise lines and wasted the court’s time. Like generals fighting the last war. It goes up, it must come down. Without the orange madman, they’re dancing on their own and playing solitaire. As time grows short from May to November, and the orange apocalypse can feel it all beginning to slip away. And so, he has no time for his lessor, red headed stepchildren and makes his calls only to Washington.

“You have reached the office of Tommy Tuberville, Senator from the Great State of Alabama. I’m sorry I missed your call. Stop calling me about Auburn, I don’t work there anymore. Leave a message at the beep, and if there is money involved. I’ll call you back!” Look Tommy, it’s me! It’s Don! I got a great idea! Let’s get rid of Mitch McConnell! That way, I look great and get a lot of headlines, and the Republican Party looks even more fucked in the head! Beep.

Look Tom, I don’t know why you haven’t called me back! Don’t forget,  I got you that job! Look, it’s easy peasy. We force a crisis and knock the turtle off his log and then when the Supreme Court invalidates the election, I’ll make you the first Secretary of football.

Tom, this really important; I really don’t understand, why you haven’t called me back yet!

It is reported the Twump is burning up his phone DC book, “Who is up for a little iniquity? I was just trying to get a few old friends together and thought, well maybe we’d get rid of Mitch McConnell. Or we could play Yahtzee!” As yet, another sign that the flies are beginning to swarm on the corpse of the late Humpty Dumpty, Twumpty finds no takers. “Gee, it’s good to hear your voice again. How’s the golf game doing? How’s retirement treating you? Getting a suntan? Well, it’s busy day here among the living, and I got to go now. Keep in touch!”

The swan that has turned into an ugly duckling. Where once his adherents’ hearts jumped at his ring. “Look! He’s calling me!” as now, their hearts sink, “Look! He’s calling me… again!” Guy, you think he would have taken a hint, when nobody showed up for his rally.  The guy who doesn’t work there anymore, trying to catch up with his former co-workers. Unaware that the world keeps on moving even though he has stopped.

Grabbing desperately for Larry Elder’s coat tails, “Look, we could say that we were both cheated!” Can you imagine how dire the situation must be at Mira Lago, when Curious Don. The former President of the United States, latches on to the pant legs of a LOSING candidate! Calling all his old friends in Washington only to discover, that he has no old friends in Washington or anywhere else. He’s last years discontinued model and a player, declared ineligible for academic reasons.

The final climatic scene in the remake of the film, “The Orange Fly.” Where the orange fly screams in falsetto, “Help me! Help me, oh God, please, help me …I’m irrelevant!” To think, I was once a brilliant President, with everything ahead of me. But I chose to mettle with the powers of the universe and as a punishment, the universe has turned me into a hideous orange monstrosity. Scorned by the world, and hiding inside a web of my own deceit.