This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

To steal a line, “it just gets curiouser and curiouser.” The Twump Family Circus took its show on the road this week to Conroe, Texas. Another venue in Donald Twump’s tour of upscale minor market White American bedroom community strongholds. Forty miles from Houston, promises that they will attend anything on a Saturday night…if it’s free.

To the true believer, its Jesus, the Rodeo and Christmas all at once. A chance to wear that old red, white and blue flag outfit and cowboy hat hanging in the closet, one more time. Put a few baseball cards in the spokes of the Silverado and hoist the Twump flag! And we’re as good as there.  I did not know Twump was coming to Arizona a few weeks back, or I would have attended his rally. I’ve visited a cult once before, but never one so prestigious, or so whacked out of their minds.

The whirling dervishes of American politics. Located somewhere between Idiocracy and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The real show is not up there on stage, the real show is in the crowd, as it’s all about audience participation. “Say, I’ve always wondered; how can I get on the federal terrorist watch list and have difficulties at the airport?”

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you must be Donald Twump holding another rally.

“It’s really outrageous what they are doing to me!” It’s really outrageous what they are doing to him. BOO! HISS!

“The Democrats are using laws and judges to come after me!” BOO! HISS! (Protestations and the rending of garments.) The Democrats are using laws and judges to come after him!” LAWS, Judges, BOO! HISS!

Watch carefully as Twump deftly swims between defense of the January 6^th insurrectionists, while denying responsibility for the insurrection. The arsonist who claims to be assisting the Fire Department.

“If elected in 2024, I will give them all pardons. Because they aren’t being treated fairly!” Wink, wink!  He will give them all pardons because they aren’t being treated fairly, Wink, wink!   

“It’s outrageous, the way they are being treated. Just outrageous!” It’s outrageous the way they are being treated! Just outrageous!

Twump’s message is static and frozen, until each show becomes a replay of the show before. Repeat after me; “I am such a victim; it’s really outrageous. But what is worse is that we are all victims. They are doing things you wouldn’t like. Awful things scary things. Things that would make Jesus puke. Do you know what they are teaching your kids while you ignore their education? They have books in that library filled with all sorts of words that you wouldn’t like! But more importantly, they are after me!”

But its somewhere between a tent preacher revival meeting and a going away tour. “Showboat” with the original Broadway cast. “They’re coming to get me, children! They are coming to get us all! That’s why I’m proud to offer just for tonight only,  a free gift. Everyone who votes for me in 2024 will receive, a sixteen-piece Tupperware set and a $500 Visa gift card!”

Promise them anything! It’s not like he’s ever kept his promises before. He once promised to leave the country if he lost the election, yet he’s still here!

His followers are cheated on more times than the New York State Boxing Commission. Twump wants his followers to rise up and save him with massive protests and demonstrations. Save him from the unfair laws and courts of this land. “Or I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down.” I think I’ve seen this part of the picture before. Twump calls for his flying monkey minions to hold a rally for his support. “It’s like Déjà vu all over again!”

Meanwhile, back on the planet Earth. The Republican Governor’s Association Chairman, Asa Hutchinson of Arkansas, says that Twump should not run again in 2024. No specific reasons are given as to why Twump shouldn’t run. Careful Asa don’t say anything, don’t go making him angry! “Oh, no reason! I just thought maybe someone else should have a chance this time.” It couldn’t be the recent poll that saw Joe Biden dead even with a generic Republican. And showed Biden crushing Twump like a bug on the pavement under a Red Wing boot.

Twump’s not running in 2024. But if he tells people that he isn’t running, especially Twump followers, they will be less likely to send checks and share credit card numbers. One more grift for the good ole days. Milk those cows good one more time, before sending them off to market.

It appears that cable channels, One America Network and Newsmax are being pushed off cable and streaming services due to their high cost. The alleged news services charge the providers about ten cents per subscriber per month. According to the ratings, the two channels are overpriced in a crowded and competitive market. When fat Elvis leaves the building, the rubes change the channel back to “The Dukes of Hazard.” One monkey apparently does stop a show. You can’t have a Bozo show without Bozo!

The slot car track and the mechanical bull just aren’t as popular, like they used to be. Twump can still draw a crowd on a Saturday night in Texas, if it’s free. If the Rodeo isn’t in town, cause it’s a long way to Houston but not too far from the airport. Let’s do the time warp again! The Donald Twump Rocky Horror Picture Show revival and swap meet. The Last tango in Conroe.

You can only be new once, and then, you can only be current for just a second. Then you become old hat forever, dated, and tarnished. Today’s “New” Pet Rock! Students for Goldwater! The John Birch Society. There is nothing that smells worse than bad idea past its prime.

“Well, Capet, we’ll want to make this a first-class show, you know, so I guess we’ll add a little more to it. We want a little something to answer encores with, anyway.”

“What’s onkores, Bilgewater?”

The duke told him, and then says:

“I’ll answer by doing the Highland fling or the sailor’s hornpipe; and you—well, let me see—oh, I’ve got it—you can do Hamlet’s soliloquy.”

“Hamlet’s which?”

“Hamlet’s soliloquy, you know; the most celebrated thing in Shakespeare. Ah, it’s sublime, sublime! Always fetches the house. I haven’t got it in the book—I’ve only got one volume—but I reckon I can piece it out from memory.

– Mark Twain, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn