This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

It’s a beautiful day for a parade ladies and gentlemen, a beautiful day. The streets are lined with excited, expectant adults and their hyperactive children. Anxious to see this parade get under way, many have waited a long time for a parade like this. The crowd is up on their feet as the first float comes around the corner. It’s the Adam Kinzinger float. Decorated in thousands of white flowers, it features a funeral setting and casket, and along the side of the float in beautiful red roses it spells out, “Say my name…bitch!”

Coming up is the Helsinki balloon. A giant 60-foot-tall bag of gas resembling Vladimir Putin, filled with enough flammable gas to fill the former President himself. And matching him stride for stride, is the 5-foot tall Donald Twump balloon. Looking up and acting submissive. It’s a beautiful site, ladies, and gentlemen. Coming up is the Washington D.C. all-star public school marching band. Three kids with trumpets, a tuba and four guys playing drums on empty five-gallon paint buckets in street clothes.

I can tell by the roar of the crowd that the Liz Cheney float is approaching. I can see it now; it’s beautiful ladies’ gentleman. Acting out a famous scene from the film “Fargo” It’s Ms. Cheney stuffing a manikin of the orange one into a tree shredder! And red ribbons are showering out the other end ladies and gentlemen, spraying the crowd with colorful red streamers. Along the side of the float, it reads, “Censure this!”

Next in line is the anti-literacy league with their book burning float, titled “Hamberders!” followed by the anti-defecation society’s float, “No Shit.”  The crowd is jubilant as the Michigan float rolls by with unhappy kidnap convicts looking down with unhappy faces, from their dark, dark prison cells.

Here comes the Tennessee float covered in Confederate battle flags (1861 to    ?   ) Titled “Sometimes only a mother, can be her own half-brother’s best friend.” The Chamber of Commerce is passing out pamphlets, titled, “Don’t you dare bring one more fucking job to Tennessee, ever! And the Tennessee church ladies association and Klan auxiliary are passing out, “We’re going back to the dark ages, and you can’t stop us!”

It’s the jury award float next, ladies and gentlemen. A representation of an overflowing toilet with rising levels of excrement entitled, “Deep, Deep Do, Do!” Followed up by our honorable mention float. A representation of the original Gutenberg printing press, kicking out thousands of volumes of Twump, kiss and tell books. Titled, “The greatest thing since paper!” Celebrating the publication of the one billionth, Twump kiss and tell book.

Here’s comes the Florida float entitled, “Prison Library!” and along the sides it reads, “The only Twump Library!

Coming up next, is the Neil Young float entitled, “See the Sky About to Rain!” It features dark clouds with imaginary lightning bolts, chasing the former orange President. The crowd roars with laughter as the clowns are doing imitations of Don Jr. and pretending to snort up the white lines off the city streets. It’s a beautiful day for a parade, ladies and gentlemen!

But if I could take a moment from this levity to remember those brave souls who risked everything. In the hopes that reality would return to us again one day. I’d also like to take this moment to thank the anti-mask, anti-vaccine float, who were forced to cancel early this morning, due to an unfortunate sudden death in the family. But they sent along a cow spray painted to remind to remind us, “No worms or Covid!”

Our next float is the grand prize winner.  The Missouri float entitled, “We Used to be Sane!” It features the famous Mark Twain quote, so appropriate for today.

“In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.”
– Mark Twain

They first came only hidden along the darkened frontier and spoke only in low whispers. Then a brave few began to speak up. Trusting that the new would get old, and old would be replaced, eventually. Trusting that the spell couldn’t last forever. They are beginning to slip across the frontier in groups now, while subversives rise at home. Now, I’m no expert on worms, but it sure looks like this one is starting to turn.

It looks bad, when Chris Christie has publicly denied Twump three times now. Chris wanted to be Twump’s Vice President at one time. He lobbied hard for the job, but lost out, due to his corpulence to Mike Pence. Because of Mike’s milk toast appearance. Remember that kids. Sometimes what can appear to be your greatest defeat, is actually your luckiest victory. Christie is thanking his lucky stars today. He almost boarded the Twumptanic and took a cruise. “What the hell was I thinking?”

Mitch McConnell says, “Hey, you know what? I think maybe we should throw the book at the January sixers! Stomp em like bugs on the pavement! After Twump offered pardons and warm milk all around. Mitch is doing his very best to hand a drowning Twump, a very large and very heavy anchor. Twump has lost all impetus and is dead the water, becalmed by his own admission of criminality.

By now it should be clear to Twump that the doors of the temple to him are now closing. A wise man would always keep his financial information and cherished family photos on the airplane and keep that plane gassed up. Make travel arrangements now! It’s cold this time of year in Moscow. And keep that pilot on standby!

Even now the recollections of Twumpism, seem like fantastic drug induced Woodstock hallucinations. “You can grab me by the pussy!” Says 300-pound Petunia and who can ever forget that classic “Lock her up! Lock her up! “or “Let’s go to jail, Brandon!” Yet already, it seems so long ago.

This is the part in the Hercules film where Twump filling in for Steve Reeves, pulls down the columns of the temple, and it all comes crashing in on itself. His “yeah, I did it so what?” approach leaves his supporters standing legally naked in the breeze. But the long knives are starting to come out, there are scores to be settled. And egg salad sandwiches will soon be the order of the day. Time to meet those same people on the way down you stepped on, on the way up.

Chris Christie has denied him three times and Mitch McConnell swings a bag of silver coins from his fingertips.

Humpty Dumpty has fallen!

It’s a beautiful day for a victory parade, ladies, and gentlemen!