This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

I love retro futurism, looking at the future through the eyes of 1955. “And with just one press of this one button your atomic lawnmower, starts right up and springs to life!” Careful on your date Junior at the Space Drive-in, with our new flying car!  They had a device about the size of a large suitcase and with the aid of a telescreen, you could read the news from all over the world. Or send and receive messages on a teletype machine. They got the idea right, without understanding the practical application. Trying to learn to play the wah-wah pedal on an electric guitar, before having electricity.

When I think of the Florida of my childhood, it was always sunny beaches and oranges. Pretty girls in swimsuits and exotic warmth to those of us locked away in the pre-warming arctic tundra of the Midwest. People returned from there with a suntan and we thought that was pretty great. But then, our idea of sunscreen was going in the house. Brand new, clean superhighways beckoned us to make our way down to Lake Weeki Wachee and see the water ski show or to visit the fledging mouse that roared.

We could stop at the many roadside farm stands, and buy Tupelo honey and moon pies and R.C. Colas. Or visit the various private snake and reptile enclosures, scattered throughout the state. Buy tee shirts and saltwater taffy. Marvel to the giant insects which appear to have escaped from Jurassic Park.

The last thing we thought of when we thought of Florida, was crazy ass politics. It’s a tough time to work for the Chamber of Commerce, is all I’m saying.  Birmingham and Atlanta, used to be the same size. Birmingham chose firehoses and dogs. Atlanta was known as “The city too busy to hate.” Atlanta became a metropolis with that theme. While Birmingham is still the same size. Who got fucked here and who got rich?

It’s bad for business is all I’m saying. Maybe after a multi-story Condo building collapses into rubble. Maybe we should consider retiring somewhere else? Now, if you’re trying to operate a Cruise ship line and trying to protect your passengers from possibly the worst experience a $1,000 could ever buy. While the Governor of the state is working counter to your goals. Outlawing even the asking your guests, if they have been vaccinated.

It makes the tourists nervous that their safety means so little. “Maybe, we’ll just wait till some other time.” The Governor’s office has been caught jimmying the Covid numbers, what else do they lie about? Even when you lie for my side. I can’t help but notice, that you are an adroit liar. So, if I’m John Q. Businessman looking for a place for my new factory, why should I ever believe you? Why should I believe any figures from any state government agency?

After all, you have state employees arrested for telling on your lies. What happens if I find myself at odds with you some day? Can I expect a fair shake? Or will I be thrown under the bus and prosecuted, if it scores the Gov some political points?

Maybe I’m over thinking this, but I really wouldn’t buy a condo in Florida. A building collapses all by itself in the middle of the night and the Governor says, “No need to inspect the others…they’re all the same!” What are the chances that you want to rent a condo in Florida, for your next family fun vacation, hmmm?

The Governor refuses to use any adjective stronger than “Jackass” to condemn Neo-Nazis hanging Nazi banners across the road to Disneyworld. Like Clark Griswold’s Florida vacation, “Look kids, Nazi banners! We’re almost there!” That can’t be any good for business.

Then along came a crack in the sky, Faux News Brian Kilmeade says, Twump is a liar. Not mistaken confused, miseducated or prevaricating, but a liar! Admittedly, this was only Faux Business, the JV Team and not the Varsity. But they are trying out that new line and soon plan to take it nationally for the new fall season. If you’ve lost Faux News, it’s all over.

So, what happens to the political aspirations a whacky wayward Twump supporting Governor, when the world shifts. It’s gotten so bad, that Ted Cruz is now picking fights with Canadians. The crowd is growing quiet over on the Twump side of the field.  The new politics to replace the stale, old politics of the past, has become old and stale itself. It is feared without an immediate change of course, Twump and Twumpism, could cost the Republicans the next election. What happens when you’re the president of the Mickey Mouse Club and no one likes Mickey Mouse anymore?

Governor Ron DeSantis has been running for president, since his first day on the job. A leading proselytite and cheerleader for Twump and Twumpism. There are the pitfalls and perils to populism, of jumping on board the runaway mine train trying to get ahead. You race to the head of the pack at high speed, until you run out of track. Then, like Mystery Date, you end up either, a dreamboat or a dud.

Adding Faux News to the list of those no longer interested in riding on the orange mechanical bull. Give it another month or six weeks, and they’ll come right out and say, “Oh, I never really liked Twump at all. I only just kept my mouth shut because he seemed so popular. “Oh shit, not that guy again!”

That’s what makes retro futurism so much fun, hula hoops were once cool. Then they weren’t cool. Tailfins were popular on cars, then they weren’t. Cars were once six volt and now they are twelve volts! Notable events that mark the eras of time. “Who? That crazy old coot? No one pays any attention to him anymore. Why, didn’t you know, that guy is nuts!”

“The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.”
― Marcus Aurelius