This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Well, it should be a slow day at the crisis hotline with Marge Taylor Greene out busy entertaining the troops again. With her one-woman UFO tour. All across the spectrum of crisis and neediness, Americans are doubled up with side splitting laughter. Gazpacho! As my mother used to say, “everyone adds something to the conversation dear.” Mort Sahl made a damn fine living mixing up words. But then, he was a professional comedian and was doing it, on purpose.

What Margie was trying to say, before the time missed at school spoke over her. She was upset about Nancy Pelosi’s Gazpacho police! Joining those two popular Republican topics forever, paranoia and cold tomato soup.  Margie is very fortunate, that intellect isn’t a necessary job skill on her side of the street. I feel near certain that most of her adherents are also worried about Nancy Pelosi’s “Gazpacho police!” Next thing you know, they could send an I.U.D. after you. The International Undercover Department! But that’s top secret for internal use only, it says so right on the package.

I’m seriously impressed that Marge even knew the word Gazpacho (Can you get that at Burger King now?) even if she was unsure of its actual meaning. It could have been a lucky guess, I suppose. Just putting her lips together making sounds and trusting that maybe a real word will come out.

On the Trailer Park Boys, TV show, they are known as “Rickyisms.” “It’s not rocket appliances, you know. It’s just water under the fridge.” But then, Ricky is supposed to be the dumb one. The Stan Laurel or Lou Costello character, as the stereotypical dumb, dumb guy. The dumb guy, who doesn’t know that he’s dumb. And it is a secret, only to him or her.

Writers and directors and cameramen, and all manner of trades people, trying to put on a satire, a stage play show of someone really, really, dumb, who thinks they are really, really,  smart! “Watch this everyone; I’m gonna Bull shit the hell out of them. And they won’t even suspect!” (Tee he, he) And then our little Margie, slays them all without even trying. “It’s gonna be a late night at the office, if we have to try and top that one!”

“We were working the day shift on the Appetizer and Guacamole squad downtown. My partner’s name is Bill Gannon, but let’s leave our private lives out of this. We’re tough no-nonsense, hard-hitting big city crime busting cops! My names’ Joe Friday and we are the Gazpacho Police! (Place – Hard-hitting, big city, crime busting theme music – here.)

I was watching porn on my laptop, when her call came in. She was near hysterical, telling us tall tales about spilling Gazpacho all over her great grandmother’s good tablecloth. I tried to calm her down by saying, calm down and telling her that they can only hang you once. But it didn’t work. Finally, I told her I would come as fast as I could.

 And after cleaning up, Bill and I investigated and sent samples off to the lab to be annualized. It wasn’t that we knew for certain, that she was lying to us. But Bill was suspicious, after he had found a saucepan on the stove with a red residue inside it.  

I was about to tell Bill all about the lab discoveries. When Bill showed me evidence that made the lab results undissectable. A Red and White soup can that Bill had retrieved from a trash can, that told us the real story. You must think us cops are pretty dumb lady, don’t you? “Well yes, I do.” Alright lady, come clean! Why were you trying to pass off a plain old ordinary Campbell’s Tomato Soup stain, as a fancy exotic European appetizer?

“I didn’t think you’d help me for just Yamamoto soup. I’ve tried soaking and pretreating, but nothing seemed to be working. And you guys were my last dope.”

The QAnon website probably already has warnings up about the Nancy Pelosi’s Gazpacho police. “The Gazpacho Crises” What are the Spanish cooking up for us this time?  First the flu, and now this! It’s a trick! That’s how they get you! And turn you into a liberal Zombie! With their cold soup! After eating just one bowl of Gazpacho, and now I’m magnetic! Every time I walk past the grocery store, the doors fly open all by themselves, due to my magnetism. I suddenly find I give a shit about the homeless, and I think I’m having a leftist leanings attack.

Faux News reports angry parents at school board meetings. No Gazpacho police in our schools! “Theys in there teaching our youngins all about Critical Soup Theory with their books and stuff, and I want it stopped! I don’t want my boy’s third year in the sixth grade, ruined with any Liberal soup indoctrination.” Protestors carried signs “No soup, no napkin, no stains! What are you afraid of? Napkins are a part of the plot!” I don’t need a napkin thank you, I have a medical wavier!

Tonight, on Little Tucker (TV Dinner) Carlson’s continuing series; “Petrified in America!”  I don’t know about you good people. But back when I was a boy growing up in my mother’s mansion, her chef always prepared hot soup for me.  We were real American’s back in those days! Like I always say, if you want to find a Communist, trying to take over the world while hiding in your very midst. You should first check out their soup. Is cold? Is it red? I rest my case! You know what they say, better off Fred than red! The only two things you can count on in life are death and Texas!

A rare look behind the scenes, Margie warned us of the Gazpacho threat on Steve Bannon’s pod cast. Those pod casts are generally taped for later broadcast. So, either Steve Bannon’s Pod cast doesn’t have a pause button. Or no one on the premises in either the production staff or crew, knew the difference between Gestapo and Gazpacho either!

Hell no! No Gazpacho! Draft Beer, not Soup! Whose streets? Our streets! Whose soup? Our Soup! And how do Real Americans like our soup? Hot, hot! Hot! Only a dirty stinking liberal, would eat cold soup!

Give me liberty or give me Chicken Noodle with stars and stripes! With jet planes and bombs, but no health care and only a minimal education. Cause education, that’s Communist!

Mr. Speaker,  I rise today to propose the most important legislation of the past fifty years. Under “The Defending Americans from Cold Soup Act.” Better known as the Anti-Gazpacho bill, will protect Americans from the dreaded Luft waffle or the Communist red Ford! “Waiter! My soup is cold!”

“I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.”
― Groucho Marx