This Carbon Based Life

BY David Glenn Cox

As we sit on the death watch for the imminent fall of the house of Twump. He cries out, like a witch in the shower room, “My accounting firm was taken over by radical Leftists!” Radical Leftists accountants? Really? Everyone already knows that radical Leftist accountants, can be the worst kind! You got yourself your wild band of Hell’s Angels or Isis, and then you got your gang of radical Leftist accountants. But we’ve all seen this scene before at the movies, “I’m melting! Melting! Those radical Leftists accountants have ruined my once perfect world!” Oh we love, the orange one! Oh we love, the orange one!

Look again, it might be Antifa Leftists accountants with their Goth haircuts and psychedelic pocket protectors and skateboards, arguing over the merits of the 1987 tax code. “You say one more word against tax depreciation schedules man, and I’ll brain ya!” As the man gets smaller, his enemies appear to grow larger and more powerful, and become more fantastic. “Melting, melting!”

But it hasn’t slowed idiot contest between Florida’s Death Ray Ron DeSantis and Texas Governor Gregg “Bubba” Abbott. If anything, it has intensified it. For now that they begin to see the writing on the wall about old orange, what’s his name?  Gregg thought, in the name running for President on someone else’s dime, and to get some more camera time. He’d call out the National Guard of Texas.  To duplicate the services of the border patrol as the soldiers amuse themselves by thinking about their now broken careers. About how joining the National Guard was the biggest mistake, they’d ever made in their lives.

Gregg called out the National Guard for border patrol duty and then seemed to forget that they were still down there. Wasting time, spending money, and doing nothing. Like the braggart caught in a dare, he can’t declare victory and dare not admit defeat. Soldiers are complaining of being short paid and long deployments. It seemed like such good idea at the time. “Let’s Go Brandon!” A way to stick his thumb in Joe’s Biden’s eye and show, that he was just as disloyal and gutter trashy as the next Republican.

See, the Republican Meme says that the boarder is being inundated (Inundated – Marge Taylor Greene Definition, when your date doesn’t show up, so you stay in.) Overwhelmed, like the border crossings haven’t been going on for over a hundred years now. It’s brand new! And all Joe Biden’s fault. We gotta do something quick, before our hair catches fire. “I got it! I’ll mobilize the National Guard and get my picture taken!”

Then what will you do? “I just told you, I’ll get my picture taken. Then I’ll show that Joe Biden, that this Republican Governor isn’t afraid of a futile gesture or two. No matter how long it takes, or how many suicides or broken marriages it causes. We won’t quit until we get the headlines we want.” Imagine, if the New Mexico Governor called out the National Guard to watch Roswell, in case the Aliens come back looking for their saucer.

But this is that quiet time when deer first hears that “click” in the forest and lifts its head to listen. A time to process events very carefully, the magma chamber is refilling in Mt. St. Helens. If Twump really is spoiled meat forgotten in a cooler in the back of the camper, what does it mean for Twumpists? Do they carry on as usual, or do they white out Twump and white out his existence? Do they carry on with the crazy talk, or do they go back to the good ole days of tax abatement and getting folks to church on Sunday?

In the sinking Dutchy of Florida (Home of the world’s largest flying Cockroaches! Ride em! Paint them! Collect them all! Trade em with your friends!), Death Ray Ron Desantis moves in for the attack. He’s going to punish local schools and school districts for disobeying his insanity. Inverting everything inside out, Death Ray wants to punish administrators, who required masks in schools against his wishes.

For taking away the freedom of every red, white and blue, God-fearing  American to catch a fatal illness. Spread it around some and then die if they want. He wants parents to be able to sue the public schools for forcing those evil little masks on their evil little children. But that’s still not good enough, even though Florida ranks near the bottom in school funding, we won’t ever let that stop us, from taking away even more.

“I hope you small children are paying attention, when your school roof leaks, let me tell you whose fault it will be!” It was that guy who used work here, until we cut his salary. With a master’s degree or a Doctorate in education, it won’t be hard to find a real school system with pencils and books and everything. “So, you remember that kids. Your shitty education is because some people wouldn’t follow my orders! They wanted to follow their fancy doctors and scientists. But I’m the Governor, and where are your fancy doctors and scientists now?” There’s God, there’s the Governor, and then there is God help you!

I think I would like to start my letter with Dear Mr. Disney. Have you ever considered the possibility of moving your most excellent theme park? South Carolina is nice and Augusta is also very lovely. It’s only a matter time before Florida is underwater. I understand the Governor has decreed by executive order, that all rising waters should cease rising immediately, but somehow, I fear this is beyond his office. He has had a state employee arrested, for telling on him when he lied. He tried to silence two college professors, scheduled to testify against him in a lawsuit.

To hear Ron tell it, public education is the greatest threat to Florida today. But he’s only freeloading, feeding his own fire to up his steam with Florida tax dollars. A megalomaniac, who doesn’t want to govern over Florida, but rule over it. But only as a steppingstone to greater things. Ron would nuke Orlando if he thought it would help him in the national polls. To Twump or not to Twump? But alas, whether tis nobler to pretend that I hardly knew the man or to seek out his blessing, it is too early to tell. The Twump discorporation means that all bets are off. “I remember the name; I think he used to get coffee for us.”

“Poor bastard. Wait ’till he sees the bats. ”
― Hunter S. Thompson