This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Honest to god (figure of speech) I was going to write a review of the Republican candidates ahead of the Fox News sphincter punting debacle. But then, I came across the recent polling. There was a jagged line across the page near fifty percent, that’s Trump’s numbers. Then along the bottom of the page, is a multicolored minutely jagged line marked under ten percent. Unimportant, and inconsequential really. The Magnificent nothings, strangers at their own rallies who could walk out unnoticed. Also rans, in a fantasy race over before it ever really began.

Near the middle of the page, there was a jagged line reminiscent of a Kamikaze fighter plane going down in flames with smoke trailing off behind. That line is Ron DeSantis. A Rod Serling/Shakespearean epic. “Imagine for a moment, a man making a deal with the devil to be popular. And he was popular, but then the devil reneged and spell was broken, and you’ve just crossed over into the DeSantis Zone. Where good things never happen anymore. Stumbling awkwardly from gaff to miscue.”

It’s like they’ve switched guys or something, and it’s a different cyborg DeSantis body double. From a frontrunner, confident and in charge. To Gilligan, stuck on the island just like everyone else. Two weeks ago, a month ago, this was the only guy with the numbers to go after Trump. Today, he’s spending millions of dollars to make himself unpopular, falling out of favor from the sky.

I’ve seen campaigns that never took off with the public before. (See: Mike Pence) Those are a dime a dozen. But this was the guy. He had everything going for him. Was on the TV news nearly every night, every night. And the buzz was good, so he kept doing it more and more. Then boom, like an engine throwing a rod. It’s all over and can’t be fixed. Like mayonnaise left out in the summer sun, you wonder if it’s still good. But you don’t worry about it enough to try and save it.

It would take five of the magnificent nothing Republican candidates in a minivan to come close to Trump’s numbers. Is this like the Harlem Globetrotters and the Washington Generals? Are these guys just here to make the Globetrotter’s show look good?

A nationally televised debate of those Republican candidates polling under ten percent and Ron DeSantis, soon headed that way. Why bother learning about peripheral marginal candidates? In a year, two of them will be wedded in a ticket on a doomed lamentable forgettable campaign journey in the midst of a dark political scandal.

Hypothetical multiple races of Trump vs. the magnificent nothings and Trump vs. DeSantis, the big nothing. But most of all is Trump vs. Trump. The demise and fall of the turd Reich. Living in a basement bunker and still polling near fifty percent of the Republican electorate. But the future is dark and uncertain for Trump. Which bloody shoe will drop next? Will Trump reach critical mass and implode or will he hobble along on, fatally damaged into November?

Dragging the Republican Party like a laundry line of clean clothes behind him through the mud. The Republicans went to the White House and told old Dick Nixon. “Look it’s over, we can’t support you anymore.” Will that time come again? Will more Republicans step away from the cult? Delivering a notice of excommunication for the Grand orange Pooh Bah.

In the end, those are their only two choices. Stick with Trump and lose or go with nobody and lose. A majority of Republicans say they won’t vote for Trump. Time marches on and they’ve already done that once and they don’t want to do it again.

The Republicans can play pretend for a while longer if they like, but reality really doesn’t care if you’re paying attention or not. Trump is wounded now and taking on water. Will that get better by itself? Or will he continue to get worse?  Can Donald Trump talk his way out of this one? All signs point to “no.”

Vivek Ramaswamy says he’d pardon Trump on day one of his administration. He might regret that remark in a while someday. If you’re going to pardon Trump and think Trump is so great and wonderful. Why not we all just vote for Trump?

Then, Trump could pardon himself and cut out the middle man. The candidates illustrate their own pointlessness with “I’d pardon Trump!” But hey, this is your one shot near the big time Mary Tyler Moore, so throw your hat in the air just as high as you can and go for it!

The sand is shifting beneath their feet, and no one can tell what the public opinion is going to look like in sixty days. And Ron DeSantis had everything going for him too! By rights, DeSantis should be the prime beneficiary of Trump’s legal fatigue. He’s like Trump only less damaged, wealthy and battle scarred. Trump beats on Ron like Bud Abbott beat on Lou Costello with Ron DeSanctimonious. Trump insults Ron while not taking him seriously, nor need he take Ron seriously.

The other day Ron was only trying to be poetic, colorful and picturesque and all, in his manner of speech. DeSantis referred to certain Republicans who shall remain orange and nameless as “Listless vessels.” By the reaction he’s gotten you’d have thought Ron said something about their mamas. Declaring Ron’s gone full Hillary “Basket of deplorables” on the MAGA crowd.

That’s part of what makes me suspect a put-up job. Ron never hits hard and always hinting with glancing blows and dancing around the edges of Trump, while never coming right out and saying it. Trump then kicks Ron in the nuts and Ron retaliates by calling Trump’s supporters “Listless vessels.”

Can this be real and not a dystopian stage play? The Royal Nonesuch? Everybody knows you can’t call them that in a small town. They don’t take kindly to flowery speechifying and folks calling them names they don’t rightly understand.  “Is he calling us Gay?”

I’ve seen a lot of campaigns just not take off before, but Ron went from frontrunner to “Not if you were the last man on Earth!” That’s a first. Democrats generally run to the left in national elections and Republicans run to the center. Attempting to get a leg up on Donald Trump, DeSantis ran to the right.

The culture war is over, and the Republicans have lost again. DeSantis is the sacrificial lamb and Republicans now know what not to do in their next campaign. Ron can fuck up Florida all he likes, but it doesn’t sell in Peoria.

“Sometimes a man wants to be stupid if it lets him do a thing his cleverness forbids.”― John Steinbeck