This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Tucker TV dinner Carlson is back in the news. Is anyone surprised? I must give credit where credit is due. Despite being fired from every job Tucker has ever held, Tucker always manages to land on his feet. From a job at Fox News earning tens of millions of dollars per year with an audience of millions. Tucker now hosts his own podcast for thousands for free on Twitter. Well not Twitter, X, whatever the fuck X is supposed to mean.

X is how illiterate people sign their name. X marks the spot where the pirate buried his treasure. From “He tweeted me to he X’d me.” Do you see what I’m saying? It doesn’t really work. You can’t make a consonant into a vowel, just because you have a lot of money in the bank.

If you were to purchase, say, “Wendy’s” or “Burger King” and suddenly decided to change the name to X burgers. It would be throwing away billions of dollars of advertising, brand recognition and potential good will. People grew up with their Whopper; they don’t want the New Big  X burger.

How many times have you seen that sign that says, “Under New Management!” and you ask yourself. “How bad was it before?” That they now had to advertise to the public, “Come on back, we fired all those assholes!”

Corporate management would never allow such a change because it would obviously discourage business. So, this is top down the orders came from upstairs management. “I’ll just make it so! I’m rich, I can do that!” Ford Motor Company once commissioned a poll to aid in naming their new billion-dollar car model. The very least popular name on the list by a wide margin was “Edsel” but senior management sort of liked the ring of it.

Elon wants to change the name of the company to change the message of the company. He doesn’t want to be Twitter. Don’t call by that name! Call me X like the villain revealed in a Batman movie. A James Earl Jones voice says, “You may call me X” Trying to jazz it up by dumbing it down. The darker edgier X rather than that stogy old Twitter.

But who goes to X? (you see? It just doesn’t work.) Who goes to X? I give up, who? X=Y? But who goes to X for podcasts? I dunno, maybe millions of conservatives do. A safe space where they can say whatever they want to say regardless of race, creed, or color. “They’d like to teach the world to sing in racist harmony” with the freedom to be obnoxious and repulsive.

But Tucker Carlson? For Tucker, X is a lifeboat, and he will abandon them as soon as a bigger boat comes along. For X this is perfect rebranding fodder. The New darker X now with more Tucker TV Dinner. “Well sir, I’ve been fired from my last four jobs, but I’m sure this time things will be better.” But Tucker is self-employed now, he’s not doing it for the money but to keep his face before the public consciousness.  And not fade away to the Island of broken Fox News toys where the anchors don’t have ships.

“If you begin with criticism, then you go to protest, then you go to impeachment, now you go to indictment, and none of them work. What’s next? Graph it out, man. We’re speeding toward assassination, obviously,” – Tucker (TV Dinner) Carlson

Oh Tucker, I didn’t realize things were going this poorly for you. So desperately clinging to the window ledge, shouting fire into a crowded theater trying to save himself.  Excuse me, but did you say, “none of them work?” Trump is facing ninety something indictments. He is facing many long days in court for the foreseeable future. Things look dark and poorly for him. I think he meant to say, “None of them have worked… yet.”

Tucker confuses communes and conflates the idea that all criticism is hostile and counter-revolutionary. It is a disloyalty to be stifled. Every President is criticized and protested; it comes with the job. It’s our right as Americans, not something dirty to be ashamed of.

That latent paranoia, that they’re out to get our Jesus. Never considering, maybe he’s guilty.  Tucker puts up a cross or an X or something. “They’re gonna kill Jesus! They’re gonna kill Jesus!”

Look at me! I’m Tucker Carlson; I’m still out here! I’m not like all the others. I’m not done yet! Did you hear me? I said, they’re gonna kill Jesus. That headline will sell some newspapers damn it! Kill Jesus! Look at me! I don’t want to go to the Island of broken Fox News toys. Pay attention to me, please! I’m not finished yet, I’m Tucker Carlson damn it! (Add maniacal laugh to taste.)

There is a near zero possibility Trump will be assassinated. I think the greater possibility would be for Trump to have a medical emergency. He’s 77 and overweight at 215 pounds. He notoriously eats a poor diet and doesn’t really exercise and is under a great deal of pressure. He doesn’t drink and tends to bottle up his emotions then release them in sudden outbursts of petty violence. A baby throwing it’s rattle down in anger or a ketchup bottle at the wall.

If you were a fortune teller at a carnival and Donald Trump walked into your tent and asked about his future. What would you see in your crystal ball to earn your twenty bucks? What would you tell him knowing what we already know? “Oh, it looks great! The indictments will all soon pass away. I see a new residence in your future sir. A big-big place! I see you, meeting lots of new people sir! And a lot of your old friends will be there too!”

Trump knows and Tucker knows too, that the apogee has been reached. The happy times are over, and it’s the long day’s journey into night from here on out. Donald Trump will never again be as popular as he is right at this minute.

The bubble has burst, and the big ape is falling from his skyscraper. Trump says obnoxious things to get attention because he’s failing. And the more he begins to fail the more obnoxious the claims become. Trump says, if elected he will prosecute all of his prosecutors and put them all in jail. Sure you will, sure you will.

Tucker TV Dinner says, ‘They’re gonna murder Jesus!”

Trump says these things in the spasms of anger of a frustrated man on the edge of oblivion, and so  too, does Tucker Carlson! There is no need to assassinate someone already on their way out history’s back door.

Old soldiers never die, they simply fade away” – Douglas MacArthur