This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

It’s official, the jury is now in. Texas is corrupt! Crooked as a dog’s hind leg. Ken Paxton was found not guilty of all obvious as the nose on your face charges. Paxton’s girlfriend was maneuvered out the back door. With his signature, Lt. Governor Dan Patrick signs the court verdict declaring Ken Paxton pure, innocent and without blemish.

Patrick breaks his silence, first heaping praise on the Texas Senate. They are all honorable and wise all. They laid down wise rules for the impeachment, for they are all wise. You see, the last impeachment was in 1917. Which means in Texas, your fear of impeachment was almost near microscopic. Struck by lightning with a winning lottery ticket in your pocket.  

So they had to write new rules just for this trial. Lt. Dan declares how he sat through the whole trial and kept his peace, because he was an impartial administrator with personal opinions.

With Lt. Dan’s praise of their fine handiwork still ringing in the back of the hall. Patrick complains about the process he just praised. Do you know what it was? The Texas House had erred and got the process all wrong. See, we couldn’t have found Paxton guilty, the process was all wrong.

So, we’re saying the question isn’t it is Paxton guilty? We’re saying, this was done all wrong and we need new legislation to correct it and make sure it never happens again. Hang on, as you will hear this message again in the future real soon.

Even if Trump is guilty, this isn’t the way to handle it. Let the ballot box take care of him. That’s why Jerry Ford wanted to end our long national nightmare of Watergate. Ford felt sorry for us, and by pardoning Nixon. Ford was lifting a heavy load from off our backs. By letting Nixon walk away Scott free, Ford was doing us a solid. “Thanks Jerry! I feel better already! I was up late some nights worrying about Richard Nixon’s fate. Now, I can move forward! Now, I have closure!

Texas Republicans declare, We’re not saying Paxton isn’t guilty, but we voted to say Paxton isn’t guilty and our excuse is that darned old illegal process. Paxton and crew of course claim complete vindication and Paxton gets his old job back , now free and clear to loot the state as he may please.

If you thought he was bad before, hang on. He’s bullet proof now. Who in their right mind would ever dare bring charges against Ken Paxton in Texas now? Or say a mumbling word against him? Who in their right mind would bring impeachment charges against anyone for anything in Texas?

If they won’t convict Ken Paxton, they won’t convict anybody. This is the Texas of Lyndon Johnson and George W Bush, Dick Cheney and Ted Cruz.

One of the rules Patrick praised highest was the time clock. As Patrick put it, “We could have been here for weeks!” And that would be terrible, wouldn’t it? It’s a good thing we put a time limit on testimony, a good thing. Too much talky talk and people can get confused. People could form opinions counter to our preferred options. Too much talky time and Ken’s girlfriend might have had to take the stand and testify, if only to take the 5^th amendment.

But through fancy lawyering and time limitations that won’t ever happen. Girlfriend? What girlfriend?   

An early question asked, do the actions have to be illegal to be impeachable? Or does violating the spirit of the law and public decorum enough for removal. Is being a slimy two-timing bastard enough to warrant removal? Texas answers, nothing is enough! Hold my beer!

 Lt. Dan was just getting warmed up and could no longer hide his partiality. They made poor sweet innocent Ken Paxton step down during his impeachment. Patrick wants legislation to fix that because crooked politicians in Texas need more legal protection and job security.

Accused of crimes while the state’s top law enforcement officer, and they made him step down! Those bastards! Why couldn’t we just allow accused criminals to run law enforcement in Texas? Impeachment must be serious; they haven’t had one in Texas in over a hundred years!

And the public has probably seen the last Texas impeachment in any of our lifetimes.  

Mitt Romney in his new book “Screw You Guys, I’m going home.” Says he warned Mitch McConnell about possible violence on January 6^th. Mitt watched it all go down and only tells a small part of what he actually knows. Republican denialism, knowing that what is going on is wrong and willing to do the wrong thing for the good of the Party.

Mitt is the rare exception though not innocent, voted to convict Trump, while the other Republicans looked away and held their noses and voted not to convict in the face of obvious crimes.

But a new challenge has arisen as Republicans point to Joe Biden’s age. Donald Trump appears to be mentally confused on the stump, saying Joe Biden would lead us into World War Two. Everyone misspeaks sometimes, but the former resident also confused Hillary Clinton with Barack Obama. (Obama is obviously much taller.)Maybe that little elevator that goes all the way to the penthouse of Trump land is sticking between floors?

The former (New York) resident recently challenged The Wall Street Journal editorial board to an acuity test. This action by itself calls the former resident’s mental processes into question. I mean, who on Earth does that?  “I challenge you, Rupert Murdoch! To identify everyday objects and repeat words back in order. Best two out of three, winner take all!”

Trump proudly claims he aced the test, like acing the SATs. But it isn’t an intelligence test as in “wow, he’s really smart.” It is an intelligence test given to people who have taken a blow to the head to see if all their marbles are still present. A test given to the elderly, to determine if they can still cook on the stove. A test they administer to football players inside the tent to see if they have suffered a concussion.

This is their hero and guiding light, and the Republicans will argue about the illegal process. Locked into their seats the Republicans must now defend Donald Trump. No matter what. No matter what Trump says or what he does. Even if Trump goes puddin head on them, they must still defend him. No matter what!

With 15 months until election day, that could be a thrill ride the Republicans will never forget. As Donald Trump has a plan to stop the war in Ukraine. Trump would pick up the telephone and tell everyone to stop shooting. That’s it! Just by Trump’s powers of persuasion alone, the war would end.

Why didn’t we think of that? Detached, delusional and simpletonian and just about three steps from puddin head. Sometimes when you wind the propeller too tight, the little rubber band just sort of snaps all at once.