This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Fifth place! Holy shit, fifth place. The Yankees are in fifth place, what sort of world have we come to here Joseph? Ron DeSantis, once and former front runner polling fifth, among likely New Hampshire voters. Fifth! As in one spot above “Undecided.” Wow! Talk about your slap in the face. The sudden realization that you didn’t get the job, and that all your hopes and big dreams were just that, hopes and big dreams.

A classic case of “It’s not selling in Peoria.” DeSantis drew early media attention and thus early name recognition, with his nonsensical Covid policies. In backwards land and Florida, whatever the federal government recommends, you recommend the opposite.

And it worked! It was a “Man bites Dog” story. Ron comes to national prominence just as Covid waned. Just as the pollsters came out of hibernation and began to ask the questions about Presidential preferences. Just as the deaths continued to rise in Florida, despite a vaccine.

The Republicans voters of attention deficit county knew only two names. Donald Trump and that new guy, Desantis. All of a sudden, Ron’s name was being used on the same page and with the same ink as Donald Trump. Heady stuff that could easily turn the head of some backwoods southern lawyer. Igniting grandiose dreams of unimagined possibilities in Little Mr. Sunshine state.

Well, it worked once, maybe it will work again? Meanwhile, in another part of town, unsuspecting Disney Corp was asked…asked! What had they thought of the Governor’s new policy? And son of a bitch if it didn’t work again! Disney walked right into it; sucker meet punch by stating Disney’s long-standing policy of not alienating any consumer who possibly might have some money in their pockets.

This is really working! Ron kicks Disney in the ass and his name and fame grow among Conservatives. But then, a funny thing happened. The more Ron campaigned in a particular area, the more Ron’s popularity wanes. (See: New Hampshire Poll) They like his ideas, and they like what he’s saying, they just don’t like him. But Ron’s greatest attribute besides his timing, is in not being Donald Trump. In being an alternative to Donald Trump.

The Republican voters won’t come right out and say, anyone but Trump. Instead, they say, “Ron DeSantis.” But as the contest heats up, new names bubble to the surface DeSantis fades.

But the New Hampshire poll had some other rather interesting opinions. Donald Trump polled at only 39%! Someone’s knocking at the door and ringing the bell. The alarm clock says, 39% wake up! Would anyone like to prophecy where that number might migrate to in another six weeks?

That 39% is an earth-shattering number as Trump always polls in the forties or even the low fifties.

The accumulated weight of legal entanglements collecting like snow on the roof. The run of the mill, low IQ voters still like Trump, but grow weary of his shaken baby politics. They begin to understand Trump can’t out run the gauntlet or the labyrinth and ever find the cheese again. Like a first love or summer romance, its over and they can’t go back.

So, it isn’t that Ron DeSantis did anything wrong specifically though he did, Rookie jitters mainly. John Kennedy pointed out America’s missile gap and Donald Trump pointed out Ron’s personality gap. Ron DeSanctimonious Eighth Grade Hall Monitor!

Ron has that “Let’s talk life insurance” smile. Yes sir, she’s a real beauty, with radio and CD player, good tires and air conditioning. What’s it gonna take to put you in the Ron DeSantis camp today? As Costello says to Abbott, “Fifth Place!”

But fifth place points to a backlash, anyone but Trump or DeSantis. Tired of Trump and not buying the DeSantis country song small town cornpone. “They is evil all around you! They’s dirty minds up to thinking up dirty things and writing dirty books about it!

Wha? But it always worked before, it worked last time. Why isn’t it working for me now?” Could it be that the country is growing tired of combative social conflict? Or maybe, DeSantis like a frat boy in a cat house, just climaxed too soon? It’s not uncommon for the early frontrunners to fade away. Who remembers John Anderson? They look good, until you see something you like better.

For the DeSantis campers paid political staff, unemployment looms! Maybe they can catch on and get a job with another campaign. But which one? Trump? No. Then who, Vivek Ramaswamy? The man voted most likely to be forgotten about by Christmas. Mike Pence or Nikki Haley? At least Vivek is exciting with his “Make bold uninformed statements today and apologize for them tomorrow.”

Experience? Who needs experience? Why anyone can just saunter into the oval office and run the government. I’ll just pick up the phone and tell them what to do. The concept is truly laughable, Airline pilot- No experience necessary! Paid training, great benefits, apply within.

The rest are pastel vanilla Republicans sanitized for your protection. Talking largely nonsense about school choice ( the typical Republican is over 60 and unlikely to have children in school.) Or Critical Race Theory. They want to feed their audience junk food to avoid the elephant in the room. What to do with Donald Trump? “How do you solve a problem like Maria?”

House wrecking Republicans push Kevin McCarthy down in the mud and take his lunch money away. Refusing to move forward a military appropriation bill after they said they would. If they won’t vote for the military, they won’t vote for nothing! New York Republicans talk of working with Democrats as the House wreckers attempt to pull down a house of Congress, trying to save the worthless carcass of Donald Trump.

But 39% and 39% plus six weeks! To then become perhaps 32% or 28%. If the house wreckers succeed in shutting down the government, they will help speed Trump’s decline. The New Hampshire poll is clear, less controversy and fist pounding. Less Ron DeSantis and much less Donald Trump. The Republican voters want, a kinder, gentler machine gun hand.

How else could you explain the rise of a Vivek Ramaswamy? A man without enough experience to run the White House security office, let alone the White House.

Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
I can’t buy no beer

Well, I’m standin’ on a corner
With a bucket in my hand
I’m waitin’ for a woman
That ain’t got no man

‘Cause my bucket’s got a hole in it
Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
I can’t buy no beer

Well, I went upon the mountain
I looked down in the sea
I seen the crabs and the fishes
Doin’ the be-bop-bee

‘Cause my bucket’s got a hole in it
Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
I can’t buy no beer

Well, there ain’t no use
Of me workin’ so hard
When I got a woman
In the boss man’s yard

‘Cause my bucket’s got a hole in it
Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
I can’t buy no beer

Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
Yeah, my bucket’s got a hole in it
I can’t buy no beer

-Hank Williams