This Carbon Based Life

Let’s relax and have some fun today, it’s Saturday. Nothing with earth shattering the meteor is comin tomorrow implications. Hawaiian shirt day at the maximum-security prison. Just some good old fashion lying and trying desperately to get attention in a crowded political field.

Political newcomer Vivek Ramaswamy’s car was suddenly and deliberately attacked by Naval and Air forces of the Empire of Japan. Or maybe it was Hezbollah or the Iranian Revolutionary guard. It could have been Al Qaeda or Isis or just a lady in the parking lot who didn’t see his car. (Oh, the humanity!) I mention newcomer because there is a learning curve. You don’t just go from the rookie league straight into the show.

This event spotlights a candidate desperate for attention, trying to make something out of nothing with hilarious results. Slapstick comedy as the campaign keeps hitting itself in the face with a cream pie.

“Had a civil exchange with protestors today, right before two of them then got into their car & rammed it into ours. Those two should be held accountable, but the rest of the peaceful protestors shouldn’t be tarred by the behavior of two bad actors.” – Vivek Ramaswamy

The fundraising Email the campaign later sent out said, “Stand for Free Speech!” And described the accident as, “a crash!” Luckily no one was killed at five miles per hour. Violent protestors, Antifa maybe even! But the police who investigated a fender bender in a coffee shop in an Iowa parking lot, saw it just a little bit differently.

Using a Jack Web voice, the police were working the traffic shift on day watch when a citizen’s frantic call came in. A police unit was immediately dispatched to the coffee shop around 1 PM. Where they contacted a 22-year-old woman who told police she had eaten lunch at the deli next door and had backed into the candidate’s car without knowing who he was.

She further explained, she wasn’t there to protest, but only to have lunch. The woman was given a citation for improper backing and it’s doubtful the FBI or INTERPOL will be called in to further investigate the case.

The rest of the story sort of writes itself as the campaign answers, “Well, the car had”…ready? “Aggressive bumper stickers all over it!” Yes! Aggressive! Mean little son of a bitches.

We’re they the dangerous and potentially deadly form of Islamic bumper stickers? Or just your usual run of the mill domestic aggressive “Gimme a dollar” bumper stickers? But the campaign has photos of the occupant flipping them off as the assassin’s rolling death machine fled the scene at a low rate of speed after speaking with police.

A campaign spokesman insists they stand by their assessment of the accident. And insist there were two people in the terrorist’s car. Maybe the Ayatollah! Che, Mao Zedong, George Soros or Richard Kimbell’s one armed man! Maybe she flipped them off as she fled the scene in her murder car after attempting to assassinate the Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Or maybe, she was pissed off because the Ramaswamy campaign were being a bunch of dicks about the whole thing.

Seeking the death penalty plus twenty years, plus the woman’s immediate deportation to Guantanamo prison. Campaign aides insisted the candidate would still attend the planned family event and wouldn’t let a dastardly little terrorist attack dissuade him. Aggressive bumper stickers be damned! Damn the bumper stickers, full speed ahead!

“Prior to the protestors ramming their car they continually laid on the horn, flipped staff off and screamed expletives.”

Knowing what we now know about the incident, the expletives and horn blowing was probably something in connection with, “You crazy fuckers! Get the fuck out of my way! Or I’ll turn these bumper stickers loose on ya!” While the campaign was waiting for the SWAT team or the Navy Seals to arrive on the scene and take down the perps with an air strike.

A practiced politician would have smiled and laughed at the incident, and had his picture taken in front of the bent fenders with the woman, trying to get her vote. “Fender Bender Brings New Supporter!” the caption would read. Instead, they are a laughing stock. Making things up and telling stories and defining the modern difference between good old-fashioned embellishment and just plain lying. There were three shots of espresso fired from the sixth-floor window of the coffee shop!

The Associated Press noted that this wasn’t the first accidental terrorist attack on the campaign trail. The DeSantis Campaign was traveling down I-75 when traffic slowed suddenly causing a chain reaction accident of state vehicles. Did somebody say Leslie Neilson in “Police Squad?” The comedy writes itself.

Moe Howard gets out of the lead car with a grimaced face. “Why, I oughta!” But Moe, I’m a victim of circumstances! You stopped before I was ready! “What’s your excuse porcupine?” That’s the Governor Moe, and he wasn’t driving.

Meanwhile in the wilds of Arkansas, the Governor Sarah Stumble me Sanders bought a twenty-thousand-dollar podium with a state credit card. Oh, it’s a real nice podium, though. She saw it in the window and just had to have it. Suddenly an investigation swirls and then just as suddenly, the state’s Republican Party stepped forward to pay for the Governor’s new podium (Nothing going on here!)

Altered records? We don’t know nothing about any altered records. An audit? What for? We repaid the money, I mean, we bought the damn podium and that should be the end of it! Sure, the details are sketchy, but nobody is out anything here. So, there is no need to investigate any further. I’m sure this was the Governor’s first impulse buy with a state credit card.

If the governor did nothing wrong, why the quick third-party repayment plan? Tamp down the scandal before the scandal tamps down them?

The former treasurer for George Santos has plead guilty to embellishing the phony Congressman’s phony financial statement with fake loans and phony donors. But what about Hunter Biden’s laptop?

Who gave you the building valuation numbers for the properties? “Eric Trump.” And when you questioned those valuation numbers, who told you to use the numbers anyway? “Eric Trump.”

“The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to the other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creatures that cannot.”
― Mark Twain,