This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

How bad is it? How bad could it actually be, or could it possibly get? Just a few days after toppling Kevin McCarthy. Republicans suggest he be reinstated to the office of Speaker. In just a matter of days, under the reign of the Florida monkey boy terror. Republicans have suddenly discovered that they have potentially made a grave error maybe.

From “That’s it for you fella!” to “Kevin! Save us!” Here, let me help you up. Come on back in. We were just fooling around! You see, Matt Gaetz had this plan.

1. Get Kevin McCarthy booted like Mr. Trump asked me.
2. Pick a new Speaker.

Forgetting the reason why Kevin was chosen in the first place. The nearer to sane members of the Party let the full-blown whack jobs know they weren’t willing to support any of their crazy ass boyfriends in positions of authority. They refused to be dragged into whatever Comet they’re waiting for. Gaetz for Speaker? No way! Jim Jordan? Don’t make us laugh. Even Republicans see that as a trip through the FUN house naked.

So, the names like the Jimmy Jordan Experience and Steve (You don’t know me) Scalise were floated. And were last seen taking on water and listing heavily. As a voice cried out from the back of the room, “Anybody else? Come on, anybody? You can have it any color you like as long as it’s Scalise. Jim who? Out of the question.

The Jimmy Jordan Experience is favored by the less tightly wound and the more loosely bolted together Republicans. Then Donald Trump opened his big yap about it and says he supports Jimmy and the Experience! Gramps is living in the good old days mostly. When folks didn’t question and just followed his orders blindly and candy bars were still a nickel.

Great Orange one hasn’t noticed the changing landscape. I understand, he’s been busy. Ever so slowly, Republican candidates openly attack Trump. The volume and ferocity of the attacks is rising and inching a little further forward every day. Where will that stop? Maybe being seen as a Trump robot isn’t such a good idea. Or maybe they resent that fat ass son of bitch trying to push his way into their house through the back door uninvited, and appointing himself in charge.

Oh sure, whatever you say! You can come over an sleep with my sister. Do you know who picks the Speaker of the House Mr. Trump? NOT YOU! I’d wager money there were Republicans willing to vote for the Jimmy Jordan Experience, until Trump stepped in it. They might could vote for Jimmy, but they could not vote for Donald.

Meanwhile, high on the monkey bridge, the situation has degraded into the same standoff we witnessed earlier this year when Republicans tried to pick a speaker. Republicans in gridlock with themselves. And in less than 100 hours of Matt Gaetzovision America, the house is on the phone. “Hello? Could I speak to Kevin please?”

And then, a crisis occurred, which ruined the Republican FUN house with real problems. And no one is in charge! And no one can help them! Why oh why, did we ever get rid of Kevin? He’s not such a bad guy, after all. Of all the Kevin McCarthy’s in the world, he’s the Kevin McCarthyist.

Creating a Republican vapor lock with each faction unwilling to move or suggest a compromise and the clock’s ticking. This thing is tricky, how can Republicans express their deep and abiding love for Israel while calling to defund Ukraine?

Putin is on the same side as Iran and Hamas. Defunding Ukraine is helping Putin, Iran, and Hamas. Causing a contradiction, Defund Ukraine! More money for Israel! The Republicans got caught wearing their appeasement pants after Memorial day. Caught on both sides of the fence again.

With the sting of the Pink slip still upon him Kevin had said “He would not seek, nor would he accept the nomination of his Party.” But aw hell Kevin, that was a couple days ago. Come on, let’s let by gone’s be by gone’s, huh! Geese, that was way back last week.

Neither side is prepared to move, if the crazies don’t get what they want their mission has failed. If the crazies don’t get what they want they’re back to square one with Kevin McCarthy, only with less love. The Republican congressional agenda is, “sdokvepvkjepfjvweropjvel.” Gibberish and nonsensical stunting, when they should have been working.

Meanwhile at the center for the sane in Washington, President Biden moves an aircraft carrier group closer to the Eastern Mediterranean. Also moving F-35 and F-22 strike aircraft to Italy signaling to Syria and Iran to stay out of it. Expressing the power of the United States in a sane way. What was it that TR said? Something about talking softly.  FREE Air Show! For details, Fuck around and find out!

Can you Imagine the scene if the Orange orangutan were still in charge? Trump sees a picture of Joe Biden with his shirt off and points to himself as monkeys sometimes do. Insisting that he has a better body than Joe Biden. What? “Yeah, I could take Joe Biden in a fist fight too!” Well, that’s important, isn’t it? “I could beat him at marbles, checkers and Pac Man! Come on, let’s Indian Wrestle! We’ll move the couch out of the way.”

Trump has been rebuffed and Matt Gaetz has been rebuffed too.(Gee, we really hate that guy.) And so the Republicans chaff under Matt Gaetz nonleadership. Driving the Republicans down a one-way street and ending up back in the same place they all started from.

Come on back Kevin! We still love you! Please, be our Speaker again. We’ll even let you be on the football team. You can be the kicker and Lucy will hold the football for you.

It took fourteen or fifteen ballots to elect Kevin McCarthy and as of today, they can’t even come up with a compromise candidate. Let alone begin to vote or make decisions and the clock is ticking. Not having a replacement on hand before ousting Kevin. How can you describe it? Dumb? Ignorant? Matt Gaetzian?

“All courses of action are risky, so prudence is not in avoiding danger (it’s impossible) but calculating risk and acting decisively. Make mistakes of ambition and not mistakes of sloth. Develop the strength to do bold things, not the strength to suffer.”
― Niccolo Machiavelli