This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Things are looking rough for the Republicans right now, with stormy seas and rocky shoals all around. The defeat of Jim Jordan was a major defeat for Donald Trump and the “crazy eights” of Matt Gaetz. It’s shocking in a time of desperation in the midnight hour, so to speak. Kevin McCarthy is reduced to telling the truth. “Twist that knife, Kevin! Make it hurt! Make it count son!” Revenge is a dish best served on national TV.

Kevin McCarthy lowers the boom on Matt Gaetz and his friends at the Republican Party who got him fired. Fuck you guys! You hear me? I said, Fuck you guys! The “Party is in a bad place”- Kevin McCarthy.  Adam Kinzinger calls it “survival mode.” I call it Life support, as even Marge Traitor Greene tears up with the realization that Donald Trump might go to jail.

No new convictions or plea deals announced yet today…but it’s Sunday and it’s still early.

Republican Congressman Ken Buck says he’s being evicted from his local office because he wouldn’t vote for The Jimmy Jordan experience. Lease? Do you not have a lease? They can’t just throw you out because they don’t like your attitude. Or is this some sort of special arrangement with the management? Some sort of sweetheart deal where they let you use the offices at a highly reduced rate in exchange for non-descript preferential treatment?

Something about this claim doesn’t sound quite right. Buck says he’s also had threats and groups of people with signs, both literal and emotional showing up at his office. But it all failed so miserably as Jordan was sent back to the underworld packing. This is inside baseball folks and we’re in deep. As a family squabble erupts into a public crime scene.

The Republicans might not know who they want for their speaker, but they damn sure know who they Don’t want! Matt Gaetz says Jimmy Jordan was “Knifed in the back!” And here is Kevin McCarthy still holding the bloody knife. Naming names and calling them names when just hours before, Kevin McCarthy had given a ringing endorsement speech for Jim Jordan. Et tu Kevin?

Never mind what I said about him before; that was all the way back to yesterday! Never mind, I helped to nominate the little prick yesterday, Today! I’m glad he lost! Do you think that was fun for Kevin? Having to help, nominate the same dickhead who helped to get him fired. Politics – Strange bedfellows.

Lauren “Beetlejuice” Boebert (a name with sticking power. She is now and will forever be “Beetlejuice!”) is a far right out of the Twilight Zone Conservative. She loves Jesus and hates all things “woke” unless they can show her a good time. She gets bounced from a cow town play with her beau and Boebert’s mood is elevated. Preliminaries over, now they can go back to his place and really entertain each other. Did she not know he was a bar owner who put on Drag shows or did she not care?

She didn’t care, it’s all just an act for the cameras anyway. “Down with this and down with that! They’re trying to indoctrinate our children! We gotta think of Jesus! Oh, Jesus!

“I’ve never seen this amount of damage done…it’s astonishing to me.”    – Kevin McCarthy

The Jordanaires realized it was all slipping away and sent out a manifesto promising death before dishonor! Proposing if the majority “would be willing to ‘vote with the team’ and elect him the 56th House Speaker, we are prepared to accept censure, suspension, or removal from the Conference to accomplish this objective.”

 Okay, you’ve got my attention, I’m listening. Let’s talk about this removal clause you mentioned first. Why or what have you done to warrant your “Removal?” What are you trying to say here? What are you almost, but not quite admitting too?

If you vote for the Jimmy Jordan Experience, you can throw us all out of the club? If you elect Jimmy, We’ll leave! And we won’t bother you no more. Signed, The Breakfast Club. – Andy Biggs, Ken Buck, Tim Burchett, Eli Crane, Matt Gaetz, Bob Good, Nancy Mace, and Matt Rosendale. – Aka, The Sedition Circle.

What? Wait a minute! Are there two Ken Bucks in Congress? One who is claiming to be evicted for not supporting The Jimmy Jordan experience. And another Ken Buck, who promised to throw himself into the volcano to get Jimmy Jordan elected.

The credibility problem is pronounced with this bunch. They lie so often sometimes even their shadows don’t believe them. The chances we’d get a fair exchange with this crew are doubtful and so their last chance manifesto died alone with Jimmy Jordan’s name on their lips.

This is a pleading, look you guys gotta help us or Tinker Bell will Die! After all the bluster, bluff, bad acting and bullshit, they try begging.

I was trying to think of an appropriate metaphor for Donald Trump’s case vis-à-vis the American justice system. Remember the video game “Space Invaders?” (Explain it to the younger ones) Remember how about two-thirds of the way through the game as aliens are getting lower and your shields are almost gone? The music is getting faster, and you must dodge the individual incoming alien missiles by moving back and forth. It’s a lot like that.

Once the soldiers begin to flip to escape a prison sentence Trump’s shields are rapidly eroded, and his defense is being compromised. The gag orders hobble him leaving Trump at the operatic inevitable pathetic sad Pagliacci. At the conclusion, which begins to appear on the horizon as the Aliens land…Game Over.

This is why now; Kevin McCarthy has emerged from his shelter to throw rocks and give em all hell. Because it’s safe to come out now.

“Twist that knife, Kevin! Make it hurt, make it count son! ” Revenge is a dish best served on national TV.

“Well, those are my principles. But if you don’t like them, I have others.” – Groucho  Marx