This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Do you believe in magic? We can argue about theology and argue about what was meant by things said in the Bible. But in the end, it always comes back to “do you believe in magic?” The supernatural, Rod Serling. A magic superman with super powers to alter any reality. A super friend with nothing better to do than create a universe out of nothing and separate the light from the dark with his magic. And then, place us his prized creation in the backwaters of said universe.

This God is lonely and demands praise and worship. He craves our attention; he creates and sets up housekeeping for two prized pig pet humans living in a magic garden where the animals all get along wonderfully. These simple simians are given a simple code to live by or else this God will curse them with death. Being simpletons without knowledge or education, these creatures created in God’s own image, quickly violate his covenant and this God evicts and then kills them.

Satan and his pals tried to overthrow God in his heaven and were sentenced to the underworld, but not death. God could have zapped Satan to atoms for revolution but didn’t. He gave the death penalty to his unknowing children and gave the knowing Satan probation and a pass. Why did he do that? To teach us simple creatures that God only makes the rules, he doesn’t have to live by them.

God tells us to forgive and preaches mercy but in a fit of anger decides to destroy his creation. To teach us all a lesson about goodness and mercy, God plots a worldwide genocide with his magic. He will make it rain for forty days and forty nights and drown the whole world. The livestock, the children, the dogs, and cats all had to be drowned, everyone except for one old man and his family.

This old man is to build a giant boat with zero nautical experience, but don’t worry. God will help him with his magic. With his magic, he will summon all the animals in the world he has knowledge of. You see this all-knowing God doesn’t know about North or South America, Antarctica or Australia yet. The American bison survived the flood somehow. The kangaroo and the penguin did as well.

Saltwater fish survived the brackish water just as fresh water fish survived the brackish water. But the humans were wiped out to the last without a tear or mercy. God used his magic to create and then destroy man because he was dissatisfied with the humans he created in his own image. Could this be self-loathing? God is angry, God is jealous, and God is dissatisfied with his own magic creations. Who wouldn’t be? Satan tried to overthrow him, and mankind doesn’t pay jack shit attention.

The big boat carrying all the animals couldn’t carry enough food or water to keep all the animals alive. Don’t worry, God will use his magic to help them all survive. It begs the question of why go to all the trouble of building a big boat? Why not wipe out all the animals and just recreate them all again later? Or teach the animals to swim. It’s magic after all, and this big boat business seems a bit tedious.

Noah and his kin carried rabies, malaria, the plague, hookworms and all the other germs which a loving god placed here on earth to test our faith. Angels can run amuck! Fuck around, and do whatever they like, but his human children must be sternly punished for their disobedience. There are no blind, deaf or crippled angels, such maladies are reserved for God’s human children.

God sent his only begotten son to redeem us. The son was actually God himself, a magic human, and the spirit of God all as one. And, as would be expected, his wayward children quickly had his son nailed up on a cross and put to death. But it’s okay this time, all is forgiven! No plagues or worldwide floods are predicted. No genocide, this time God forgives us for brutally murdering his son and him.

After three days of mortification, God’s son rises up from the dead. Do you know who does that? Nobody, that’s who. Unless of course you believe in magic. His touch can heal the sick and raise the dead, but he uses his magic powers quite sparingly. You must beg and profess your faith before he will heal you. And if the magic doesn’t work. Well, then it must be all your fault for having such poor faith.

Now when Jesus rose from the dead, (with Magic) he had serious wounds that needed medical attention. Thomas was asking to stick his finger in a nasty spear wound on Jesus’s side. Yet, though now suddenly returned to life his mortal wounds offered Jesus no apparent discomfort. So, was Jesus really alive or just magic ghostly alive? A crucified man with injuries to his hands and feet rolls back a stone with magic! Doesn’t that make perfect sense to you?

As of late, this God has refrained from any further magic displays. He sent a savior two thousand years ago that should be good enough. Jesus feeds the multitude with a few loaves and fishes and magic. Presto chango, abracadabra, one fish is now three hundred! Watch me walk on water! Don’t try this at home kids cause nobody else can do that! He must be God’s son, just look at him treading water!

The new Republican speaker of the house says the Bible is his blueprint for life, so we can’t expect too much from a grown man who openly believes in magic. Who believes dead people can come back to life and turn water into wine. Sticks can turn into snakes, bushes that can talk! The sun revolves around the Earth! God stopped the sun, so Joshua could finish his battle.

Did he mean that God stopped the earth, and Joshua being a twit didn’t know any better? That God actually stopped the earth from rotating, and no one was any the wiser. Nobody flew off when the Earth came to a sudden stop, it was magic.

You believe in magic, don’t you? There is this book which has been compiled over thousands of years with the writing of dead languages about figures none of them has ever known or met personally. It’s been rewritten, abridged, and amalgamated into the unvarnished literal Bible we all know today. It’s all very simple really, all you have to do is believe in magic.

“Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool” – Mark Twain