This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

How low can we go and how do we keep from laughing out loud? Dateline, Tallahassee: Governor’s office vehemently denies charges the Governor has “lifts” in his cowboy boots that sometimes might impair the governor’s ability to move around. That’s just too funny. What with all the criminal and nasty things, Ron DeSantis has done, in his quest for leadership. To be undone by a set of Cowboy boots with stilts.

Someone tell Mike Dukakis to warm up the tank, I think we got a passenger. Give it the old Howard Dean scream! The DeSantis campaign has struggled in Iowa from solid second place to tied for second place. So, Cowboy boot gate comes at a bad time. When I first heard Nikki Haley was coming on strong in Iowa, I asked myself. Is this Nikki Haley surging or is this just Ron slowing down? Haley is surging because she is an alternative to DeSantis. The more the public sees of Ron, the less they like him. Ron’s campaigning for Nikki in Iowa at this point.

Like undercooked pork, everyone is suspicious of Ron. He lacks warmth (Understatement alert) and fails to connect with the crowd with hilarious results. “That looks like a sugary drink.” Mr. Warmth and now with the image of the wobbling Cowboy trying to reach altitude. This could be fatal politically just because it’s so funny. This is a Rudy Giuliani running hair dye moment.

But Ron battles with his public image because he’s insecure. You haven’t seen Ron wear those white boots again, have you? Ron got roasted pretty good over the white boots as they made him look like a Smurf. “Look! Here comes Mickey Mouse!

A lot of great leaders have been less tall, and many have been somewhat unattractive. Churchill was no looker and Mussolini had an ugly mug and Nixon? These things shouldn’t be an impediment but are to Ron. There has been a steady drum beat of negative comments about Ron coming from the orange apocalypse. Ron has the personality of rewarmed Tofu, said Donald Trump.

It has been a long road and Ron has gone from early front runner to spent husk. The campaign has had a reboot and a reboot of a reboot and still can’t gain any traction. Ron’s campaign isn’t  gaining on Trump and never has been. Any thought of DeSantis as a compromise candidate is dead. The sides are too polarized for compromise. Leaving Ron with no path forward and just grinding out the days. Back in Florida, some of the locales are starting to complain about Ron’s repeated absences.

The polling has been consistent, “Not Ron” everybody’s favorite second choice. But Ron and Nikki too, are both a distant second and not even within rock throwing distance. Nikki is running for Vice president and Ron is running out of time. Waiting for that surge of support that just ain’t comin.

The orange one toes the line stepping over it from time to time, testing the judges temper and gag order. Warnings coming from all corners that Trump could face jail time. But that is exactly what Trump wants for his Pity Party 2024. Incite the morons and stir the pot. “Look, look, what they’ve done to me! Just because I wanted to make the world a better place. Avenge me!”

Already death threats are pouring in from mobile home parks across America. “Boy, if I had gas money and my truck was running, you’d be sorry!” Trump wants to raise his imbecilic Army to fever pitch. “Throw me in Jail! I dare you lady!” One hundred million dollars in free publicity! “Trump sent to Jail by vicious judge!” Garsh, all I was doin was talking. I wasn’t hurting anybody. I’m just a victim here! And the babbling Bumsteads will ape along, “He’s just a victim!”

To mold and manipulate his court cases for the minions into easily digestible segments requiring no thought to create a morality play in an alternative universe. “Why did they wait three years to charge me?” I dunno, cause they were gathering evidence maybe. Maybe it was Trump’s stalling that had something to do with it?

The Feds called Mar- a- Lago and said, “Hey look, we know you have some documents you shouldn’t have please turn them in. Then they came to the door and asked, “You got those documents ready yet?” Then they got a search warrant and a subpoena and discovered hidden documents. A cooperating witness says Trump wanted him to delete the security tapes. Maybe that has something to do with the timing of the trial.

But the bigger the mess the better as the minions rarely read or take knowledge from outside of the cult. But if Trump can incite the morons to violence, he can be all set from when he is eventually convicted. All set when he goes down to flaming defeat in the November election to start his next round of election denial.

The prosecution is getting closer, and all hope of escape is gone. Trump will fight this down to the last imbecile. On today’s menu, fillet of Bill Barr. He only hires the best people until they cross him or rat him out. And the cultists never figure out, that’s everybody. Trump’s plan is scorched earth to create a large hell holy mess of the election and the justice system.

It is written in the stars Trump won’t fold. He will go down trying to incite the minions and burning the Republican Party to the ground as he goes.

“The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in heaven.”― Mark Twain