This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

“He pushed me!” I did not! “You did so!” Did not! “My kidney still hurts from where you elbowed me!” It does not, you big baby! Now, they’re just getting silly. What’s next? “Mom! He’s touching me!” Clearly, feelings are on a razor edge. Kevin McCarthy feels he was eternally wronged when he was torpedoed as house speaker by Matt Gaetz. Congressman Tim Burkett was a former friend and ally of Kevin’s.

Then on that dark day when the roll was called up yonder. Timmy had voted with Matt Gaetz, Et tu, Timmy? So yes, there are hard feelings and bad blood between them. You see, Tim’s vote against Kevin was meaningless. Kevin would have been removed with or without Tim’s vote. So, Tim was unfurling his standard of “Fuck you, Kevin!”

Kevin had worked really hard to get that job as speaker. Enduring fifteen ballots and kissing so much ass he needed a ChapStick. But he over promised and under delivered when delivery was nie on impossible as you can only herd cats so hard. The Republicans have only a three or four vote majority inside of Congress and even less than that inside their own Party. Call it the Tuberville solution, just vote against everything and everyone. And always be the squeaking wheel needing grease.

Would Kevin actually do something like that? Elbowing a coworker in the kidneys? The magic eight ball says, “All signs point to Yes!” As other congressmen have reported similar stunts from Kevin in the past. Dealing with Kevin rule number one: Don’t let Kevin stand behind you when the cameras are rolling. Kevin’s alibi says, it was a narrow hallway, and he may have inadvertently, maybe might have bumped into the big cry baby. Call a Whambulance! “Wha, wha, Whaaa!”

Don’t you die on me, Timmy! Not on my watch! You hang on, you’re going to live damn it! We’re going to build the future together!

No charges were filed in this attempted murder plot, but Matt Gaetz is promising an ethics investigation. Of course, he is. Kevin McCarthy once pursued ethics charges against Matt Gaetz for fucking underage teenagers and what comes around goes around in the Republican house of the rising sun, doesn’t it?

It’s no wonder the Republicans can get so little done. Plotting and scheming against each other all the time like a bad soap opera. “A ha, ha, ha, just you wait! I’ll bide my time until he’s not expecting it! Then wham! Just when he least expects it, the kidney punch of death! And this is only what we can see of the tip of the congressional iceberg, what else are they doing? Unscrewing the salt shaker lids in the Congressional dining room? “Yes, this Congressman Burkett. Is my refrigerator running? Who is this?”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is calling for a “Citizen’s Arrest” of his prosecutors. Proving once and for all, when they go low, Trump goes lower. Trump only wants to stir the pot and skirt the edge, daring the court to sanction him. This is what Trump wants is a sideshow, a circus. To confuse the low IQ munchkins until they don’t know the good witch from the bad witch.

Orange Jesus dragging his cross through the streets of social media. “I dare you! Put me in jail! I’m a victim! They’re picking on me! But on the Trump-o-meter scale calling for judges to be arrested by plain citizens sounds like the plot for a bad Spiderman movie. A desperate cry for help. “Take this cup away from my hand.”

Trump is living in the past. Back in those not so long ago, good old days. When he could call on the cult for civil disobedience, and there was civil disobedience. Today, Trump is left with the bottom feeders and lone nuts with weapons. Trump knows what he’s doing and doesn’t care if he promotes violence. It is the only tool he has left in his Foolbox.

This is a desperate man in a desperate place during the most difficult time of his life. Willing to say or do anything to save himself from his pursuers. Because he knows that he is guilty, and the law is coming for him. This is Trump’s last rodeo and his last roll of the dice.

As Trump becomes more bellicose, he narrows the Republican herd.  The herd won’t run away from Trump in horror; they just won’t show up to vote. The Party is bitterly divided between those Republicans who see Trump as the future and those who see Trump as the end. Those who see Trump as a millstone around their necks. Some still like Trump but feel he has become counterproductive to the Republican Party. Like disco or hula hoops, Trump’s sell by date has come and gone.

Other Republicans, many with poor memories of their whereabouts on January 6^th see Trump as their guardian and only guarantee of continued freedom from Congressional investigations. Circle the wagons! We protect Trump and Trump protects us! Because if Trump is guilty and goes down in flames then that means….

It could be a bad look, a party standard bearer running for election convicted of multiple felonies out on an appeal bond. A party standard bearer still telling the folks the elections are all fixed. Leaving the low IQ quislings to ask themselves, then why bother voting at all?

A Republican Party bitterly divided, and a house bitterly divided against itself. And we all know what that means, don’t we?

New Republican House speaker Mike ah…Mike, Mike Smith or Johnson was successful in averting a government shutdown after getting more support from Democrats than from his own Party. Mike simply took the Continuing resolution and tore it half and called it two resolutions. Mike didn’t change anything in the resolution; he just rewrapped it in new paper. Kevin McCarthy could have done that!

We’ve all gone this far, and the Republicans have taken us all the way around the block just to get back to where we started. Just to settle their personal scores and vendettas. “He pushed me!” I did not! “You did so!” Did not! “My kidney still hurts from where you elbowed me!” It does not, you big baby!

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” ― Groucho Marx