This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

The question waits for us all, what will the house Republicans do next? The most unsuccessful, cantankerous, scandal ridden Republican Congress possibly ever, but definitely within my majority. And that’s saying something! Denny Hastert was sent to prison for raping children, and George W. Bush said it was a real sad day for Congress, Denny being sent to prison like that.

Newt Gingrich pioneered shutting down the government in the Republican “hold our breath till you turn blue, contract on America. “If you don’t let us have our way. We’ll, we’ll break it! We’ll shut the thing down and ruin our nation’s credit and tank the economy, and everyone’s credit card bills will go up, and it will be all your fault! You don’t want that to happen, do you?”

Always willing to sell half the farm for seed, always willing  to negotiate down to zero. We can fund the orphanage, only if you’re willing to cut senior benefits. How about if we just go half-way to the moon and come back? That’ll save some money!

They ran for Congress on fixing the economy and fighting inflation. These Republicans promised us they weren’t just going to obsess over Hunter Biden’s laptop or Rudy Giuliani’s lies. They weren’t going to wreak their vengeance on the Biden Administration as payback for impeaching Trump. (Twice!) “Just you wait! We’ll get even with you!

One by one, the Trumpers weeded them out. Any Republicans who didn’t toe the line like Adam Kinzinger was pushed out. Liz Cheney was the number three Republican in the house and was replaced in a whirlwind with a loyalist nobody, who toes the line. Dance to the tune or get off the floor.

After the failed Trump sedition and election defeat. Republicans vowed their revenge on the Biden Administration. And they might have had greater success, but they were too busy pursuing Hunter Biden’s laptop and listening to Rudy Giuliani’s lies. Investigating Social media, where conservatives are regularly discriminated against and picked on by science and the truth.

Like scorpions in a bottle, they can’t help but fight with each other. This is their moment in the sun and the cameras are rolling.  The squeaking wheel always get the grift. “Boo! Hiss! Liar!” says the lady in the white fur coat holding the helium balloon.

Then came the battle for speaker and Kevin the terrible wanted the job so badly. He prostrated himself and promised everyone everything for it. Of course, it wouldn’t take long to find out what happens when you trade away your authority for a majority, everyone is unhappy. Kevin made a deal with the Democrats to keep the government from shutting down. “Let’s get him! And beat him up behind the dumpster! That dirty dog!”

Replacement names fly from the crazy Caucus and Jim Jordan gets his feelings hurt once he’s declared too intellectually deficient for the speaker’s role. Jimmy remains quiet and humbled and doesn’t have much to say these days. Kevin the terrible says, “Screw you guys, I’m going home! I don’t need to put up with any of this shit anymore! If you’re not going to let me be in charge, fuck you!”

Matt Gaetz is the iconoclastic spastic seeking his revenge on Kevin the terrible, for an ethics hearing on Matt Gaetz, Venmo and teenage prostitutes. “I’ll get you my pretty and your little dog too!” Gaetz is rumored to be angling for the Florida Governor’s job. “Daddy said he’d buy it for me! Now that I’ve burned all my bridges here in Congress.”  

The only thing the Republicans in Congress have successfully done was to eject George Santos from office. But only after they used him for all he was worth to them. Then as we approached the milepost of reelection season, George became an encumbrance to them. George was delt with and ejected like a used shotgun shell.

But what can they do for an encore? What action could they possibly take which might right this most wrong Congress in memory? How can they convince America the Republicans have vision? If you said, “Impeach Joe Biden for nothing!” You are correct.

These Republicans are stuck with their backs to the wall. Kevin the terrible was a disaster and Mike What’s his name, looks even worse. Jim Jordan’s hearings fell flat. The Social Media hearings fell flat! Hunter Biden says, he will be glad to testify Publicly As Republicans stammer. “No! In private!” But it’s a death blow, public testimony is harder to misconstrue than behind the Republican media curtain.

What’s left for them now? Impeach Joe Biden! On what grounds? “Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges!” We’ll figure that out after we impeach him.” We are going to give him a fair trial right before we hang him.

Future headlines include; “Republicans blame TV networks for low ratings of Impeachment hearings.”

If they hold an inquiry into impeachment, the Republicans will impeach. If they impeach, the Republicans will lose. They don’t have any evidence of any criminal wrongdoing and they know it. A giant fraud, a Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade trying to save the day.  

Marching into election season skunked and shut out. Two more years and zero successes. And now, after everything has failed and all their plans have fallen into wreckage. The Republicans plan an ever-bigger adventure. Formally Impeaching the President of the United States for nothing! For childish vengeance and to please the royal nonesuch. To feed the cult all that the cult usually feeds on.

A distraction to draw the eyes away from the Trump prosecutions. Never mind what Trump’s done! Look at Joe Biden! Why, he’s done stuff we think, though we have no proof of any wrongdoing. That’s why we need an impeachment inquiry. To get to the bottom of all these baseless allegations!

You know already, don’t you? Just like I do. This Republican impeachment is going to be a fiasco for house Republicans. It will appear as what it is, a sham prosecution seeking petty revenge. It will fail on its merits. And it will fail in the house, and it will fail on TV. And most of all, it will fail in the court of public opinion.

What did you expect? The house Republicans have to do something worse for an encore.