This Carbon Based Life

By David Glen Cox

How do they make canned spaghetti? I mean, how do they shove it in the little can like that? Vivek Ramaswamy, the little candidate who couldn’t says. Vote for me and I won’t run! Apologies to Groucho Marx about not joining any club that would have him as a member. Only out of sympathy with Donald Trump of course. Vivek is willing to risk his entire candidacy and millions just to show support for his opponent.

If Donald Trump is banned from the ballot in Colorado and Maine, then Vivek will withdraw from the ballot as well! There! Take that! I bet you’re sorry now! Huh? Ha, ha, Vivek will take his 7 to 15% and go home. So, theoretically if Trump continues to be banned from state ballots, then Vivek is also out of the race under the two birds with one stone rule.

Buy none, get one free! We’re not losing, we’re just supporting fair play for Trump. Why it’s perfectly normal for one candidate to go out their way to aid and assist their opponent. So, support Vivek, with your dollars and it will be possible for him to not run. To not spread his message of trust the 1%. Or when in doubt, ask a paternalistic billionaire.

Lauren (Beetlejuice) Boebert has gone Colorado district shopping. Switching Congressional districts because that’s always a good sign. A good healthy campaign and the home folks just love her so. Boebert claims Barbra Streisand and Ryan Reynolds money ($1,500 each) donated to her opponent as Boebert’s reason for the swap. Boebert is certain the Streisand/Reynolds camp with $3,000 on the line wouldn’t dare try to double down and donate again.

Obviously, other recent events and headlines are involved. “Boebert and Beau Bounced from Beetlejuice Broadway Boards!” and keeps a firm hand on the throttle. Just the kind of arrogance that could really piss off the public. Boebert’s move is more to get away from Boebert’s own funk than Streisand’s money. Barbara is no Liberal elitist interfering in a local election. Streisand owns a home in Colorado; she is a local.

It’s a risky strategy reeking of weakness to suppose that maybe the neighbors down the road will like Lauren better. So, Lauren goes on Steve (Why isn’t he in prison yet?) Bannon’s podcast.

“We have to shut down the Hollywood elites who are trying to buy my current district.” Boebert goes on a national broadcast attempting to raise money from all over to fight the donations of celebrity locals. Lauren isn’t just a politician dancing with her foot caught in a bucket. She’s fighting those damn Hollywood Elites! And how do we fight those Hollywood Elites? We Leave! We run away and change districts!

Ha, ha, she showed you! Mister speaker, my silence speaks for itself! When the going gets tough, the tough get going and move away! Boebert is banging the same old rabble rousing, they’re picking on me tired drum. Them Liberals is out to get me. And only you and Jesus’ kin stop em!

“I will not allow dark money that is directed at destroying me personally to steal this seat,” Boebert said on Facebook. There is no dark money, the Streisand/Reynold’s donations were duly noted or Boebert wouldn’t know about them. Who is destroying Lauren personally?  A messy divorce and “Beetlejuice.”

Won’t you help? With your donations I can move away to defend my district from celebrity locals by leaving! Ha, ha, ha, Bab’s then you can kiss your 1,500 bucks goodbye!

Meanwhile, the Zombie candidacy of Ron DeSantis plods on. (Brains! Brains!) Life support Ron holds a rally in Des Moines on his “Barely Breathing tour” imploring his 200 dedicated supporters to mendacity and mediocrity.

“I think we have an opportunity to just make a statement that, in this country, it’s we the people that ultimately decide these things.” What are we deciding today, Ron? Besides letting Donald Trump stay on the ballot. The public has already decided it doesn’t want Ron DeSantis.

The problem  seems to be that Ron is unlikeable. Not on purpose, he just is. It’s the Jack Kennedy magic in reverse. The Republican public just doesn’t like him. The public doesn’t dislike Ron’s ideas, just him.

This is the Republican Party of Donald Trump. They want action! They want swinging from the rafters,’ flying monkeys and burn the witches’ zeal! Smurf boots and culture wars just ain’t good enough anymore. It’s almost quaint, the other guy is promising mass deportations and concentration camps, while Ron is only scolding Mickey Mouse. Sure, Ron’s crazy and cunning. But he’s not crazy enough anymore and too cunning for his own good.

Trump can work a room, Ron can’t. Ron recently hosted a “Drink a beer with the candidate” event in New Hampshire. The original price of the event was $50 dollars to attend but was later discounted to one dollar American, trying to draw a crowd. Ron was thinking maybe if he can plug em with a few beers, maybe they will listen to him. But is unable to garner any enthusiasm even with cheap beer. A losing minor league baseball team can draw thousands with dollar beer night. If you add Ron DeSantis, the number is reduced to around thirty. If you can’t draw a crowd with dollar beer, you’re done.

Don’t bother us with policy specifics, just say something outrageous. If elected, I will pardon Donald Trump! Screw the courts! And will send the illegal aliens to the third planet from the sun. Ban all the bad books! But if elected, who will you put in prison?

“That’s a lot of sugar, huh?” – Ron DeSantis