This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Next! That’s it for you fella! Next! You made a deal with Democrats to keep the government running! How dare you? And after we trusted you! Speaker Mike What’s his name has compromised on a spending bill and raised the hackles of the Free Dumb Caucus. Never surrender! Never give in! Death before compromise! A yowling house cat that presumes it’s a mighty lion’s roar.

Mike, penile euphemism is doing his best to rebrand himself as a moderate instead of an election denying Christian Nationalist with a pornography problem. The Free Dumb Caucus wants no compromise, burn it down! If you can’t control it, burn it to the ground! Death before dishonor. Jesus will be here any minute now anyway!

Making matters worse, the bill in question smells much like the agreement negotiated by the evil one, Kevin McCarthy back in June. Kevin McCarthy was overthrown for his compromise and now, Mike is following the same dangerous path. Realistically, any action taken by anyone anywhere will piss off the Free Dumb Caucus. They are an angry mob in tight shoes looking for a place to throw a fit. It’s the march of the discontented, anger is their schtick, anger and outrage is their stock and trade! Lectern pounding Fox News outrage!

The Anger Caucus says the spending cuts negotiated weren’t damned near good enough. And even though the numbers agreed to could be considered a victory for the caucus. Instead, they double down disputing their own numbers. Because everything is always terrible!

Only the lack of anyone else willing to take the Speaker’s job protects Mike What’s his name. He is indemnified by the two previous disastrous Speakership battles. Not fighting with the Democrats, but Republicans fighting with other Republicans with blood feuds and vendettas. Matt Gaetz had the evil one Kevin McCarthy removed because McCarthy had initiated the ethics investigation into Gaetz’s Venmo exchanges with an underage prostitute.

All at the behest of the Free Dumb Caucus. The air force cadets of the flying monkey Congress. Whatever it is, we’re against it! Trumper’s, election deniers and the lunatic fringe. The rump and rectum of the Conservative Trump trainwreck headed for the crash site early in November.

The saga of Lauren Boebert has turned ugly and violent and domestic violence is never funny. The only thing worse than a bad marriage, is a bad divorce. Mr. Boebert accused the former Ms. Boebert of hitting him several times at a local restaurant. Just going to have a nice reconciliation dinner and talk things over calmly like adults, and it all went South.

Ms. Boebert for her part says her Ex moved towards her aggressively. And she was only defending herself. By placing her hand on Mr. Boebert’s nose three times in rapid succession. I’m not going there to report, he said, or she said with no witnesses. Sometimes there is no reconciliation and the best you can do is to avoid sharing the same space in the universe at the same time zip code or state in the union.

For Ms. Boebert it is another public personal issue. First, contentious marriage issues with the police dispatched to the Boebert residence on several occasions. With accusations of drunk drivin, drinkin and fist fightin. Then the divorce, and then the Beetlejuice event. Ms. Boebert and her date were asked to leave a Denver playhouse after vaping and creating a disturbance.

The newly divorced out dating again, and that’s not always easy. Falling in lust, but here in the damn 21^st Century, cameras are everywhere. Big Brother is watching you! Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want to see on YouTube. So, keep your eyes on the road and keep your hands to yourself!

Ms. Boebert is facing a tough reelection contest and has recently announced changing her Congressional district in an attempt to salvage her failing career. Facing a well-funded Democratic opponent, Ms. Boebert will try her electoral luck with strangers. Unaware or heedless, that other well-established Republicans were already running for Congress in Ms. Boebert’s new chosen district. Ms. Boebert isn’t running against Democrats; she is running against other Republicans.

Former Vice-President Mike Pence refutes the claims of Donald Trump. As Pence encourages rank and file Republican voters to choose another candidate in 2024, anyone besides Trump. Pence says he likes all of the other candidates, except for Donald Trump. Republicans running against other Republicans.

Donald Trump was asked if he would renounce violence in the 2024 election. Supposedly, Trump walked away from the reporter’s question. Either Trump was making a stealth threatening statement or was distracted by the aroma of a cheeseburger. Or by the sight of some shiny object out of the corner of his wandering eye.  We know from our years of practical experience how Trump’s mind sometimes does or doesn’t operate.

If Trump is trying to raise the tension, he raises it only for other Republicans. Which side are you on son? Stand and deliver! Be ye loyal or be ye RINO? Trump cleverly pushing the sliver further in raising their level of irritation. Or Trump had momentarily tuned out of reality. Replaying his favorite episodes of “Sky King” in his porous aging mind.  

Donald Trump plans to give his own closing argument this week in his civil fraud trial in New York. (What could go wrong?) Good seats are still available! Make your plans now!  Trump fighting with the courts and fighting with his Republican opponents. Trump is dragging the Republican Party down with him using it as a human shield to protect him. Making the Stockholm Syndrome Great again! Making the only issue of the Republican Party, Donald Trump. On Donald Trump alone the Republicans will rise or fall. “Warp speed Mr. Sulu, brick wall dead ahead!”

The Trump conundrum, either a fiendishly clever politician at work or a cramping old man needing to use the restroom. It is entirely possible Trump knew exactly what he was doing, but it is also entirely possible Trump’s brain was offline and didn’t hear or understand the reporter’s question.  You just never know with Donald Trump; Crazy, Clever, Gassy or Stupid!