Mister! Mister! Mister!

By David Glenn Cox

We need an event to get out in front of the eyes of the American people as a counterpoise to Joe Biden people. I’ll now open the floor for suggestions. “I thought we were going to shut down the government to take our political stand on the financial ruin of the country?” We tried that, but it didn’t work. “Wait a minute! Weren’t we in the middle of impeaching Joe Biden? Didn’t we just impeach the Homeland Security secretary for letting it rain?”

We tried that, but it didn’t work. “Need I mention Hunter Biden?” We tried that too, but it didn’t work either. Think people! Think! “I’ve got it! Where was Joe Biden during Benghazi? Maybe? Huh? No?” I don’t know, maybe you’re on to something there. Sure, a revival of the good old days when we took our stand for personal liberty. When we Republicans proudly chose foolish death over simple cooperation.

Now from K-Tel Records, 20 of your favorite Republican Covid-19 memes. You’ll get, “You know I can’t breathe with a mask on.” And who can ever forget “Vaccines can make you magnetic!” or “It changed my DNA.”  Remember? “I can’t wear a mask, I have a health condition” or who can ever forget, “There’s no such thing, it’s a bioweapon.”

They’s a comin to get us Jethro! A deep dark plot and another ugly government conspiracy designed to hide the truth from us truth seekers. Bioweapons are a simple chemistry experiment in Industrial strength bug spray. A scientist who proposed Covid -19 as a bioweapon would probably get drug tested and promptly fired from the lab. They have on the shelf chemicals which would kill everything breathing in a square mile within ten minutes. So, a bioweapon that kills one in a hundred within three weeks would be a battlefield fail.

But never let facts stand in the way of a good story. “I’ve got it! Let’s hold hearings on Covid-19 again! It’ll be just like the old days! Americans will forget all about Donald Trump’s criminal conviction once I get Dr. Fauci on the stand! We’ll get the old gang back together; it’ll be just like the good old days!

Jumpin Jimmy Jordan and large Marge Tater Greene, it’ll be awesome. We can ask inept questions and throw personal hissy fits. Just wait until we snatch Dr. Fauci from out of his comfortable retirement. Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi! Isn’t it true, you drive an electric car? How long have you known Hillary Clinton? Are you now or have you ever been acquainted with…Barack Obama?

If you ever wondered what “A day late and a dollar short” actually looks like. The absence of any good ideas which would bring this hearing about is truly stunning. Let’s hold hearings on things we can’t change from four years ago! Let’s get to the bottom of whoever did whatever they did, once and for all. There! That will explain to the American people once and for all this is all Joe Biden’s fault.

Is Dr. Fauci perfect? No. Did Dr. Fauci do the best he could in a difficult situation while being heckled and scapegoated at every turn? Yes. Why would he do otherwise? But the question never asked was a simple one, “Who knows more about public health here?” Jumpin Jimmy Jordan the former deaf dumb and blind boy from the Ohio State locker room? Or maybe large Marge could explain to us the intricacies of managing public health during a pandemic. But then, probably not.

Today’s Republicans are fighting for yesterday’s issues with baseless accusations. A tan suit! Can you believe it? How disrespectful, he’s wearing a tan suit in the oval office! He’s destroying our country! George Washington never wore a tan suit!

Marge Traitor Greene won’t sing along unless she gets her solo. Marge began asking questions of Dr. Fauci designed to expose the grand conspiracy hidden from us all and prompt his immediate confession. When the questioning didn’t take Marge to where she wanted to go. She began her characteristic hissy fit. Marge is mad! Now you’ve done it! “Curses, foiled again by the well-educated!”

In a display of middle school pique, Marge refuses to call Dr. Fauci Doctor and calls him Mister. If you don’t give me the answers, I want. So, I can paint you into a corner of this McCarthy style jungle gym hearing I’ll get mad and call you “Mister!” Take that! Mister! Mister! Mister! Had enough? Or should I call you mister again?

With such a devastating intellectual attack it was surprising Dr. Fauci was able to stay in his chair without bursting into tears and confessing his guilt to something or other. Some might question why Republicans would reserve a room to hold a hearing only to bring up yesterday’s news. Just to raise a stink about something, that’s why. Because nothing else has worked, that’s why. Hunter Biden didn’t work, and the Joe Biden impeachment never really got off the ground. Go long Mary, and I’ll throw it to you!

A vivid vapid visual display of no idea of what to do, whatsoever. What’s the pressing news headline of the day? Donald Trump’s conviction. Your job Mr. Phelps, should you decide to accept it. Is to deflect the public’s attention away from Donald Trump’s conviction. Any ideas?

We could hold a hearing on Covid-19?

Anyone else? Anyone?

These Republican leaders have not been content with attacks on me, or my wife, or
on my sons. No, not content with that, they now include my little dog, Fala. Well,
of course, I don’t resent attacks, and my family doesn’t resent attacks, but Fala
does resent them. You know, Fala is Scotch, and being a Scottie, as soon as he learned
that the Republican fiction writers in Congress and out had concocted a story that
I had left him behind on the Aleutian Islands and had sent a destroyer back to find
him – at a cost to the taxpayers of two or three, or eight or twenty million dollars-
his Scotch soul was furious. He has not been the same dog since. I am accustomed
to hearing malicious falsehoods about myself – such as that old, worm-eaten chestnut
that I have represented myself as indispensable. But I think I have a right to resent,
to object to libelous statements about my dog. – Franklin Delano Roosevelt