This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

A clear case of buyer’s remorse or does everything suddenly appear in a different light? The numbers are in on J.D. Vance and it ain’t pretty. Somewhere between Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin, and he hasn’t even tried to spell potato yet. The worst numbers in nearly half a century.

We know from the sad saga of Mike Pence that Donald Trump puts great store in appearances. We know from Donald Trump’s narcissism that you must be at least this tall to be my running mate. But you can’t be any taller than me or better looking than me or appear to be smarter than me. Rumors abound Trump picked Vance because he thought they looked good together on TV and Vance was dumb enough to accept. The spider inviting the fly to come over and visit the web.

What does J.D. bring to the table? He’s from Ohio, and that’s always a plus. They that win Ohio! But Trump carried Ohio in 2020 by 400,000 votes. So, J.D. won’t bring any new voters into the fold. J.D. brings the same people who would vote for Donald Trump anyway. They call it balancing the ticket for a reason. Donald Trump the former draft dodger picks a former Marine to be his running mate. A Marine who can look away swallowing hard and sign on with a draft dodger. What the hey! Trump called dead Marines “losers” but J.D. can overlook that. His dead buddies will understand.

Remember when Trump said he liked heroes who didn’t get captured? Talking about a Navy veteran shot down in combat over enemy territory. Just let that pass. This is such a golden opportunity. So, what, he likes to denigrate the military sometimes. You can’t take it personally. But, but, but this guy is almost 80 and he doesn’t eat right. He’s high-strung and blows his top a lot. Yes sir, this one golden opportunity.  

Instead of picking a running mate who would either moderate or accentuate the ticket. Donald Trump after being stung by Mike Pence’s ungrateful hand this time around chose a parrot. “Yes sir! Whatever you say sir! I can say that sir! Do you want me to pick out all the green M&Ms from your bowl before I leave sir? Thank you for your servile!

So why isn’t J.D. popular with the penny stinkers and the hoosters in the hustings? Because he’s only a minor eruption and a mirror copy of Donald Trump. It’s the same struggle every cult faces at some point. If you put on the sunglasses and sit in the big chair, you begin to make the leadership a bit nervous. They’re looking for somebody good, but not too good. Intelligent but not too intelligent. Energetic but not too energetic.

With history as our guide, it is obvious to ask why anyone in their right mind would accept a job which ended in death threats for the last guy. But Mike Pence was the humble pious Christian. While J.D. is a prayer warrior. J.D. doesn’t believe in all that suffering servant of humanity crap. He’s out to send people to hell if they don’t shape up and live in his prescribed way.

Case in point, J.D. calls Kamala Harris “A childless cat lady.” Because see, he believes all women are just baby making machines. “Let your women keep silent in church.” His God calls on all women to have many children! And if they don’t? There must be something wrong with them. There is only one path to salvation. Only one path a woman can take. childbirth or apostasy.

The Vance choice illustrates Trump’s error. Trump being a ravenous wild-eyed extremist, should have chosen someone more moderate. Instead, the Republicans are now stuck with two wild-eyed extremists discouraging every independent voter they come across. Drawing a line in the sand, love me, love my poodle. This is a cult, and every spotlight must always remain on the leader! Trump will brook no interlopers. If we need you J.D., we’ll call you. Otherwise, you just wait in your office.

But now, in light of the Kamala Harris campaign J.D. doesn’t look so good anymore. How can he help us in November? Oh God, he can’t! He’s the poster boy for restrictive abortion laws. A subject candidate Trump and the Republicans would like to soft peddle this time around. But not with J.D. on board. Boy, that was really dumb!

It’s a high stakes gamble for J.D. he could be one aged poor dieted, overweight, over agitated heartbeat away from the Presidency. But there is another job J. D. is also equally suited for. Can you guess what it is? If the Republicans win the White House J.D. will be relegated to waiting for the phone to ring at two AM. But if the Republicans fail to win the White House J.D. will be relegated to the fall guy.

If the Republicans lose, they will bellow about crooked elections, but that bell is starting ring a sour note. Sooner or later, if the Republicans lose, J.D. Vance will get the blame. After all, it could never be Donald Trump’s fault, could it? So, who else will be left to shoulder the blame? “Hang J.D. Vance! Hang J.D. Vance! Hang J.D. Vance!” History repeating itself in a most familiar way.

“Trouble with mice is you always kill ’em. ” ― John Steinbeck