This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Down south they call it “snake bit.” They’s just snake bit and can’t do no better. It’s like an eventuality of things that must and will happen. Something bad will happen no matter what. Republicans have a difficult time with choosing Vice Presidents and appear to be “snake bit.” Even the one time it all seemed to work out, it ended in disgrace and resignation.

Harry Truman once commented that Richard Nixon was so crooked, he screwed his pants on. So, from Richard Nixon we move on to Spiro T. Agnew. Who would Nixon choose to be VP? Agnew was investigated and later charged with criminal conspiracy, tax fraud, extortion and taking bribes. What we would call today, the usual Republican things. Things that don’t surprise us much anymore.

After Mr. Agnew’s resignation that left a sudden job opening. Nixon appointed Jerry Ford to be his VP. Ford was a Republican from the old school in that he was decent man. He wanted to defend Detroit and spoke directly for the chamber of commerce. But he didn’t want to hurt anyone. Ford’s distinction was that he was appointed Vice President by Nixon and then Nixon resigned. Jerry Ford was elected President by one vote, Richard Nixon’s.

Ronnie Reagan chose George H.W. Bush. Old George was former head of the CIA. Do you know how you get to be the head of the CIA? It ain’t by being pretty. After the assassination attempt on Reagan relations with Mr. Bush were said to be markedly cooler. Then Bush was elected head cheese on Reagan’s coat tails. Bush was later stunned in amazement by a grocery store scanner and then carelessly said, “Read my lips! No new taxes” and was thus easily defeated.

Does anyone smell sulfur? Is Dick Cheney near? Did you know Dick Cheney is still alive? (Proof: Only the good die young) Living on his third baboon heart and aided by the blood of virgins and high technology. It will take over a hundred years to untangle the dark legacy of Dick Cheney. And when that time finally comes, it won’t be pretty. After Dick Cheney, Republicans should need prior approval before choosing any Vice -Presidents.

Lest we forget the forgettable, Dan Quayle. I have always had a soft spot in my head for Dan because he was a prototype. Born among the wealthy elite and raised with a blue-chip education. He was born and groomed for political office and never once raised a sweat in his life when he didn’t want to. “Say Muffy, Lets take my new corvette over to the country club for some tennis.” But just because you built a race car doesn’t mean you could drive it. Dan was forever hobbled by his intellectual limitations.

I’ve always called it the Dan Quayle rule. If you were suddenly to find yourself in the center of a media whirlwind. If would be very easy to fuck up and say something stupid. A novice, a babe in the woods the media wolves would have you turning back flips, and no one could blame you. But if you were born and trained for this since childhood and stumble and fall time and time again, due to self-inflicted verbal wounds. You’re just dumb! What good were all those elocution lessons?

But as a prototype Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin have much in common. Like marathon Scrabble games with the final scores of 27 to 18. Someone nice looking and unoffensive. But there it is again, snake bit. Sarah Palin famously gave a live television interview as a farmer behind her cut the heads off of live turkeys in the background.

This is a story that I heard back when Trump was running in 2016. “Mother” Mrs. Pence was dead set against Mike signing up with Donald Trump. But Mike assured her this was only a resume builder and surely Trump wouldn’t win. And on the night, Mike was elected the Vice-President “Mother” stormed from the victory party with “I hope you’re happy now!” Psychic? This woman obviously has super natural powers. Somehow, she just knew that pairing up with Donald Trump would somehow lead to disaster.

Just snake bit, they could pick someone out of a hat and have better luck. For many years Democrats have wondered out loud what it would take to finally stop Donald Trump. And now, it appears the question has finally been answered. J.D. Vance is the anti-Trump Republican dark matter.

The cat lady remark didn’t do Vance in with the public. But it made the public sit up and take notice. He could have just explained it all away as a poor metaphor, and he meant no offense. Instead, he doubles down because explaining a metaphor to Republicans would be too difficult! Yeah, I said it! What about it? But by now, they’re listening as JD explains people without children, should pay higher taxes! Read My Lips! You start talking about raising taxes on anyone in Republican circles and you get the tar and I’ll get the feathers!

The general consensus is the Republican base does not like Donald Trump’s pick. And the Party insiders like him even less. But now, how can I prove that? Fox News is asking the question on air, should J.D. Vance be replaced? If Fox is asking, then Donald is listening. The seed has been planted and it’s only a question of time now, before the Eagle lands and somebody gets a real sad phone call.

Joe Biden’s departure has put the age shoe on the other foot and made people think more about Donald Trump’s age. The selection of J.D. Vance has made them ponder that question to themselves even harder. They like Trump, but they DON’T like Vance. Republicans are forced into a quandary; Trump is old, and Vance is obnoxious. The minions might risk four more years with Donald Trump, but not if J.D. Vance is still attached. J.D. is the electric wet blanket and Donald Trump will likely pull the plug on him.