This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

See the sky darken about to rain about to come with sudden droplets over here or over there, spaced randomly. These are the omens and touchstones of what’s to come. First, Donald Trump has trouble in New Hampshire. Then trouble in Alaska of all places. Now, et tu Iowa? The places the Trump team are having trouble are all places where they shouldn’t be having any trouble at all. If they are worried about their prospects in Alaska and Iowa, and it’s close. It’s not going to be close at all.

But let’s talk about etiquette here. Years ago, I worked with a guy and him and his wife used to take singles cruises separately on different boats. They had one rule. You never rub their nose in it or use it to shame or embarrass the other. Simple basic etiquette. If you’re a lecherous old fool chasing plastic Patty, Polyethylene Pam, or Lexan Laura around the office. That’s one thing but try to maintain some decorum. Don’t play grab ass in public.

Don’t grab her in your wife’s house no matter how large it might be. Bad Juju dude, tempting fate! The American people will put up with all sorts of ridiculous lies and bullshit. But something stupid like that could be the Howard Dean scream which broke the camel’s back. If the Blue Haired Ladies Against Freedom ever get it into their closed minds Donald Trump is trouser trout fishing with a floozie, he’s done for.

It’s about respect for his wife Malaria. That’s what they invented doors for. If you want to have a girlie on the side, fine. Just don’t rub your wife’s nose in it. But Donald Trump is a simple man of 78 years, flattered and self-impressed with a lot more talk than action. He would have to be taking Viagra intravenously. It’s about some young gold digger attaching herself to the former President like a tick through flattery and winky, winky. “You’re so smart Donald “giggle.

She’s not letting go. She’s hooked the biggest fish in the pond, and this is her moment in the sun. All she has to do now is land him and haul him into the boat. It’s pretty clear that Mr. Trump and the Mrs. are on cordial terms at best and rarely seen together. Malaria’s visit to the Republican Convention was a virtual walk through with a wave. “Hello everyone. I’m contracted by lawyers to make appearance and wave at least three times. Bye!”

It is common knowledge, Malaria didn’t like being the First Lady and wasn’t crazy about the idea of Donald running again. Maybe that’s the deal, talk to the hand. She’s made up her mind and counted to ten. “If you run! You just leave me out of it!”

There is always a desire in men to squeeze out the last rays of virility before the flaccid time conquers. To be with a pretty young surgically altered thing (Just for the sake of argument) just one more time. You do the best you can with whatever is available. Maybe she does have crazy eyes. But a 78-year-old man doesn’t get an opportunity like this very often, And maybe he goes a little overboard because his heart is going pitty pat loudly in his chest.

For Donald Trump fidelity has something to do with stereos. This is so very Donald Trump! He cheated on his first wife with his second wife and so on and so forth. And Laura shall replace Malaria as Henry’s sixth wife. It would explain Trump’s distraction. It’s not cognitive decline after all, they’re playing touch and giggle in the broom closet and rub and tug in the pantry. Donald is letting the little head think for the big one again.

Maybe Donald’s is just in love and it’s not like all the other times. Maybe this time it’s for real and pure! Like John and Yoko for real! It could certainly explain Donald’s haphazard campaign. He’s not studying when he should be studying. Or he’s been studying on the wrong subject. He’s distracted and unfocused. “She thinks my jokes are funny. She says she’s never met another man quite like me before.”

It is a theory which could explain a lot. And we are all very familiar with Donald Trump’s track record. So, the question of would Donald ever do such an irresponsible thing are completely off the table. He assaulted a woman in a department store dressing room for God’s sake. Cheating on his wife right under her nose is small potatoes.

But if it has really reached the point where photos are being taken, and eyebrows are being lifted around town. It means inside the Trump campaign it’s already a well-known guarded secret.  Lexan Laura works with the Trump campaign, but she doesn’t work for the Trump campaign. She’s Donald’s “friend” and travels with the campaign drawing no salary. Traveling in the company of the former President for weeks out of pure platonic friendship. Sure, that could happen. On the Disney channel maybe.

Laura has no title or official duties with the campaign other than just as Donald Trump’s friend and  advisor on horizontal affairs. Just hanging around and being friendly to Mr. Trump or as she calls him Donny. Nothing going on. Move along now, nothing to see here.

No fool like an old fool.

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” ― Groucho Marx