This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

McHeads will roll. McDonalds Corp. say they were aware of Mr. Trump’s McStunt playing at fry cook/French fry specialist. Like a tuning fork, the message is still reverberating through the McDonalds hierarchy. I’ll tell you why I think that. The speed by which Mickey Ds answered the kerfuffle trying to get out in front of any apparent backlash. It sounds a lot like a middle management answer. “We just want to open up the conversation. And we’ve offered the Harris-Walz team the same opportunities.

Oh, come on now, “Dear Harris-Walz team, would you like to use one of our thousands of restaurants to advance your political message and perhaps troll your opponent? Please let us know at your earliest convenience.”

Never happened. That’s a message put out by someone afraid they are about to be unemployed. “We offered them too! You see? Their message says, “We didn’t do anything wrong! Stop looking at me like that! Why do you keep looking at me for? Gee boss, I thought it would be alright.”

Most likely, the event was billed as a personal appearance by Mr. Trump. And they probably didn’t elaborate on the full itinerary planned. Mr. Trump wants to make an appearance at a restaurant, is that okay? “Sure, why not? What could go wrong?” I get it. Not everyone follows politics. Arlington? Arlington? Ring any bells? Google what happens when the Trump team shows up for a personal appearance/photo shoot. Arlington!

Some franchisee got all gooey in their drawers because the big orange McTurd was coming to Their restaurant! Step back please! Lights, camera, action! Corporate either wasn’t paying attention or was hoodwinked. It can’t have escaped the attention of corporate America how the national political scene is very polarized. Any apparent support for either candidate could cost the company money. It could, however, escape the attention of some middle management area manager and franchisee enamored with Mr. Trump. “It’ll be great!”

The upper echelons of management would issue a fuller and more flowery corporate response. About how they are committed to diversity and are good stewards of the environment. Working every day to reduce their carbon footprint. About all the money McDonalds has donated to charity and how they would never intentionally demean their workers with stupid obnoxious stunts performed by aging political oafs. The company welcomes all generic political points of view. Everything from vanilla to beige, but please to take your stunts elsewhere. Employees only allowed past this point.

Upper management never would have allowed Mr. Trump to appear in their drive thru window. Let’s make a mockery of the company and piss off half the population while doing it! Pictured in McDonalds signature garb becoming an instant viral Internet meme about felons and work release programs. There is no shiny side here; this had disaster in the making written all over it.

So, the Trump team wanted to troll Kamala Harris’s McDonalds career, believing that through snark alone, they could change voters’ minds about the important issues of the day. It’s an inside joke funny only to Trumpers. Will it help to win over suburban Democrats? That would be a no, the stunt only appeals to those who are already voting for Mr. Trump anyway. Half a day wasted appealing to the base.

What is the genesis of the McStunt? Who’s bright idea was this anyway? Troll Kamala Harris by working at McDonalds, mission accomplished. She is trolled! Shows her huh? Donald really made some valid points there, don’t you think? That’s gonna change some voter’s minds, once they stop laughing! He can make French fries! The petty personal nature of the McStunt points to who as the potential author? Like Clue, you have all of these possibilities. Mr. Green in the conservatory with a lead pipe but one of the suspects is Donald Trump…game over.

Was the McStunt a success? Let’s see if they try it again. Odds are…no.

McDonalds has been trying to up their image in the marketplace for the last couple of years. Trying to sell lucrative coffee drinks with a squirt of unknown chemicals and whipped cream for flavor. The company dumped Ronald McDonald as their long-time mascot and spokesman and now this. Donald McRonald the new corporate clown. Arlington 2.0.

Lock the doors and set up the cameras. Somebody get Mr. Trump an apron! Kid, get out of the shot! “I don’t know about this. I need to check with corporate.” It’ll be fine, now get out of the way. Kid! Look excited! It’s the goddamn President of the United States here. For a loser like you, this is best day of your miserable life! You’ll tell your baby’s mama all about it. Okay, let’s set up for the drive thru shot. Kid, you’re in the shot again. Don’t you have a job somewhere? Oh, cooking French fries huh.

Theoretically the thrust of the Trump campaign has been the issues of inflation and immigration. Let’s do a day at McDonalds to troll Kamala! Ah, focus? Trolling Ms. Harris with McDonalds means what for the campaign as a whole? The McDonalds memes are going to be stuck all over Mr. Trump like tattoos from now on. And Donald Trump memes are going to be stuck on McDonalds like Donald McRonald. Wouldn’t you want Mr. Donald Trump clownishly representing your products in national memes?

“Jetson! You’re fired!”

“I like to watch the news, because I don’t like people very much and when you watch the news … if you ever had an idea that people were really terrible, you could watch the news and know that you’re right.” ― Frank Zappa