This Carbon Based Life

Note: Convicted Felon in possession of a firearm.

By David Glenn Cox

He ain’t one of us. He’s one of them! He’s different from us and talks funny. They wear their hair different and have funny ways about them. We have a candidate here in the AZ and the Republicans have put forth a vigorous campaign calling into question his credentials to hold public office due to his deficiency of birthplace. He’s from California and this Arizona! You know what that means, don’t you? He’s gonna bring his smooth and swarthy California ways over here and try to tell us how to live our lives.

Granola crunching, Latte drinking Yoga instructors! Take Zep here for instance. He might be a natural born fool and a corn-fed idiot, but at least he had the good sense to be born HERE among us! But this guy smiling his slick California smile, he seems friendly enough. But you know how they are. Out in his garage, he probably has a 55 Chevy Nomad or a street rod. With a goddamn surfboard hanging off the back with the Beach Boys music blasting on the radio! Do you want that going on in your state Capital?

So, when they tell you a former comedian to the Republican Party Tony Hinchcliffe was a one off. This wasn’t Tony’s first appearance with the campaign. It was, however, Tony’s farewell appearance. Tony’s hilarity was checked and approved by the campaign before being loaded into the teleprompter. A joke referencing Kamala Harris and the “C” word was removed, but the “Island of garbage” remark was fully approved, vetted, and sanctioned. So was the joke about Black folks carving up watermelons for Halloween!  I guess we missed that one, what with the Island of trash remark.

When I lived in Alabama, they told jokes about Mississippi. When I lived in Georgia, they told the same jokes about Alabama. “How do you find the Governor’s mansion in Montgomery?” It’s the mobile home with the white columns out front. But somehow our regional jocularity never degenerated to the level of calling each other garbage.

Hysterically, the alleged “joke” in question didn’t even go over that well at the Trump rally. Ohhh, bad sign. If it won’t work at a Trump rally, it probably won’t work at all. Mmm, tough crowd. Is this thing on? Watch, as we switch to slow-motion, and you can see the actual moment when Tony’s career imploded like that damn little submarine headed for Titanic. Today it’s Puerto Ricans and tomorrow it’s Mexicans or Jews or somebody else. If he’d say it about them, he’d say it about you! If you ain’t just like Tony you’re a target.

Most of the Trump advertisements I’ve seen on TV recently don’t include the image of Mr. Trump at all. Simply anti-Harris negative ads. In response to Hinchcliffe’s hilarity, the campaign issues an explanation not an apology. He said it; we didn’t. Golly, he shouldn’t have said that. JD Vance did his best Richard Nixon impersonation. I’d love to talk about that but first let’s talk about this instead. The man told a joke that wasn’t funny. I’ll tell you something else not funny, Kamala Harris. Da dump da, rimshot! (Don’t quit your day job JD)

Donald Trump says he’s not a Nazi. He’s the opposite of a Nazi! Proving conclusively Donald Trump has no grasp of political self-Identification. Check for these warning signs! Have you thought about or participated in an actual insurrection in the last five years? Have you thought about or actually tried to overthrow an election? Do you ever promise the vulgar herd you’ll solve their problems extra judicially and through violence? Are you under Federal indictment? Does your wife refuse to kiss you in public, even every four years? You might be a Nazi.

Hinchcliffe’s hilarity is the flop heard round the world. And it’s almost what you would expect from the most gaffe prone campaign in recent memory. It’s almost like Sarah Palin and Dan Quayle had a baby. You almost had to expect the Trump campaign would burn down Madison Square Garden as a grand finale.

It was one of those moments when Mr. Trump had the opportunity to lead but chose not to. He could have called in the reporters and told them candidly it was all a big mistake, and the campaign totally disavows everything Tony said. Not through a spokesman or a press release, but personally. Like when they wanted Mr. Trump to go on TV and tell all the criminals to go home on January 6th. Mr. Trump wants to lead but only if it’s not too troublesome and he can have his way.

But this is the weak link in the Death Star’s shields and the issue reverberates through the electorate like a bell. Mr. Trump didn’t say it, but he might as well have said it. He can’t unsay it and with only a week before the election. If Mr. Trump wasn’t already dead politically, this would kill him. And in later days, when they dissect the corpse of the Trump campaign this event will be noted falsely as a cause.

The Trump campaign has tried to make the campaign about immigration and the economy. But the issue is just like last time. Just the same as always. The issue is Donald Trump period. All of his flaws and failings have been on full display and shown to one and all. Tony Hinchcliffe, former comedian to the Republican Party is just the cherry on top. Hey, what a great crowd. I just flew in from obscurity, and boy are my jokes tired.

Mr. Trump says, the United States is an occupied country. “A garbage can!” The enemy within is poisoning our blood. But not a Nazi! Don’t blame the former comedian. Mr. Trump has been saying these same things all along. Smooth move Exlax, have a cigar!

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.”― Mark Twain