This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Trump campaign staffers say they are “concerned” by internal polling numbers. That’s politiaspeak for “Oh shit! My hair is on fire!” They really shouldn’t say things like that in public. They should say, “No comment or It’s in the hands of the voters now.” But not biting your nails or being seen with your suitcase under your arm buying a bus ticket.  

The public polls are all over the map, depending on who is asked and how many of them are asked. Asking 800 people exiting the Piggly Wiggly in one zip code is hardly scientific, with predictable results before ever setting up the card table. 538 polling shows Trump up by 2% in Georgia, but early voting is especially heavy in African American precincts. Those two pieces of information don’t compute.

Donald Trump famously lost Georgia in 2020. If the African American vote turns out for Kamala Harris like they did for Joe Biden all of the other factors being equal. Donald Trump will likely lose Georgia again. Same factors, same reasons, same result. My mistrust of polling is based in human nature. These are the keyboard warriors allowed to speak their peace outside the Piggly Wiggly grocery store. But are too busy binge-watching Baywatch or Swamp Town to get up and go vote. Likely voters vs. Registered voters vs. Registered bullshit artists.

Polling says Trump and Harris are dead even in North Carolina. The same polling says the Republican Black Nazi, Mark Robinson, trails his Democratic opponent by 15% in the Governor’s race. Who is most likely to NOT show up on Tuesday? And let’s not forget the fifth column…women!

Donald Trump says he’s going to protect women, whether they like it or not! “Yes daddy, but you can’t stop me from liking Elvis!” That’s a part of that concern they carry. Trump’s polling with younger women is terrible and for women over 65, it’s worse. Older women were a strong suit last time around. There is a fear that the spouse will smile at their Fox News loving husband and say, “yes dear.” But once in the sanctity of the voting booth will say “Hell no.” Yeah, I don’t know how that happened either Herb. We all voted for him.

Voters in Fresno with Harris-Walz yard signs in their yards received threatening letters in the mail. You know your campaign is going well when you have a threatening letter department. Trying to burn ballot boxes because you just know the campaign is going along so well. Shooting up Democratic Headquarters outside Phoenix, getting caught and looking at forever in Federal prison. Yes, that shows a campaign on the move.

Remember when 60 Minutes offered to interview Mr. Trump and Mr. Trump declined preferring to go on a nothing Podcast instead? Kamala Harris accepted the 60 Minutes offer and was interviewed. Donald Trump is suing 60 Minutes for TEN billion dollars. Claiming they doctored one answer to a single question and therefore were electioneering for Harris. Only ten billion? Why not a hundred billion or ten hundred billion? A trillion godzillian million billion infinity dollars!

Gee, Donald Trump’s suing someone again. (yawn) I wonder how that will turn out? CBS promises to defend the case vigorously and a court decision is due sometime late in 2025, if not thrown out of court sooner. I bet Mr. Trump will put his best attorneys on that case. It’s important for a winning campaign to always be prepared to sue people at a moment’s notice.  

Nothing says winner quite like incessant carping and complaining. And when Mr. Trump gets tired, he knows he can depend on his running mate JD Boy from Witless Mountain Appalachia. Too dim to realize the cans of “Mountain Dew” left in the Green Room for him were a dig at his heritage. If you’re going to run for Vice-President in this country son, you should be at least bright enough to know when you’re being insulted. So, you have to ask yourself, what can we really expect?

JD boy from Witless Mountain says “regular” Gay men should consider voting for the Republican Party. Get ready; because they (Gay men) just want to be left alone. Of course, my first question like my first question to Trump in the Arnie’s shower room. How would you know what Gay men want or why are you so interested in the size of Arnie’s package?

The Republican Party is reaching out to Gay Americans because the Republican Party is the Party of personal freedom. (Shhh, not in front of the ladies.) Remember when the Republican Party fought for Gay marriage? Remember when the Republicans fundraised on memes of evil Gay pedophiles out to indoctrinate and molest your children? We take it all back! You guys are alright! Well, the regular ones are anyway. You know, the good ones.

Just think, without JD Boy from Witless Mountain. Mr. Trump would be responsible for all gaffes himself. This way JD can spell him from the heavy responsibility of screwing up. Who can forget “Garbage Island”? You’ll have to look long and hard to find such a successful Presidential campaign like that in the history books. Because you won’t find one, there aren’t any.

In future history, they will detail and dissect all the mistakes, miscues, and morasses of the Trump team. “Let’s put him in an orange safety vest and let him ride around in his own special garbage truck! Won’t that be so cool? Don’t worry, JD is out there wooing us the Gay vote.

A Tennessee Congressman warns of chaos and blood if Mr. Trump doesn’t win. But if Mr. Trump doesn’t win it will be because the thrill is gone. Donald Trump’s not new anymore. Even stupid people understand the Federal Prisons are filled with idiots who listened to Donald Trump last time. If they won’t get out and vote for Trump, they certainly won’t get out in the street and revolution for him.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” ― Mark Twain