This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Finally, some good news. Forty-three Reece’s monkeys escaped from a research center in South Carolina. How bad is our national life when this is good news? Yes, it has come to this. Political monkey jokes, but it breaks the tension and helps with depression and stops my mind from racing. Slapstick comedy as one hundred policemen chase Buster Keaton or Oliver Hardy getting a pie in the face.

And it is a funny story, it is. Provided you don’t own a monkey research center or work as a monkey catcher. It seems, a new employee who hadn’t finished his training yet had inadvertently left the cage door open. I’m just so cynical by nature. I’m a fucking genius and so I just automatically assume everyone else is too. You wouldn’t even need to tell me! I’m so damn smart. Now I’d be thinking Dave, You’re working at a menagerie now, shut the door.

It’s probably real important to remember to shut that fucking door. What day of training is this skill taught on? This company policy may need some modification. Oh, to be a fly on the wall! “Ah boss?” Yes, what is it, new employee? “I think some of the monkeys escaped.” How many? “Oh, maybe forty or so sir! You see, nobody ever explained to me it was in my job description to shut the door.” Me? I was lucky, I had training, I had a dog. And like Pavloff, that dog trained me! He taught me to remember to shut the fucking door or play chase in the yard rain or snow for twenty minutes.

I suspect monkeys they might take a little longer. They will get hungry eventually and probably only escaped because they wanted to mess with the new guy. “Gee, I hope this won’t affect my future employment?” Note to self; only hire employees smarter than the monkeys. “You see, I sort of got fired from my last job at the mental institution for the same thing!”

Day one, orientation: As you may know from the many wildlife documentaries or Tarzan movies you may have seen. This is a monkey! They are very smart! [see illustration] Don’t turn your back or trust these little buggers for a second. And for god sakes! Whatever you do, don’t leave the fucking door open for any reason!

How long did you leave the door open for? “Long enough for forty-three monkeys to escape the compound, sir. It couldn’t have been more than an hour or so, sir.” He’s new, he’ll catch on! He won’t ever let it happen again. We had one job; keep the monkey in his cage, and we failed.

And now, the monkeys are in full control and will build their own menageries. The King has already had his legal charges vacated and now rules supremely. He has issued a royal proclamation to end Russia’s brutal invasion of Ukraine. Ukraine will now surrender. Not join NATO for twenty years (hint, there won’t be a NATO in twenty years) Surrender 20% of her territory to the advancing Russians. No war reparations or war crimes trials, just surrender. The King demands it!

Or the King will withdraw US support and let the invading Russian horde slowly destabilize Europe and take it all! 100% all Russia, all the time! Sure, it’s totally illogical after spending billions of dollars to support Ukraine. But the incoming administration has decided to throw them to the wolves and NATO in the bargain. It makes no sense but then, ask a criminal question, get a criminal answer. It’s already begun, and it’s only the first week.

The FBI broke up an Iranian backed assassination attempt on his royal majesty. Get ready America! You ain’t seen nothing yet! The monkeys are loose and in control. The shit pot has been stirred, and the piper will need to be paid as the smell is endured.

But with this country moving to an authoritarian form of government there will be less need to worry about the Supreme Court. Shuffled into obscure insignificance like a J.D. Power award or a AAA warning to drive careful around the holidays. What do they care? They will do what they want anyway! That’s what happens when the monkey’s run the zoo. President Al Capone versus the Securities and Exchange Commission. King Donald the turd versus the law. And who will win this time Homer?

How long will it take Europe to understand the fundamental shift in direction? The King can’t be dissuaded or bargained with. He wants what he wants, and 98% isn’t good enough. The King can’t be trusted. Don’t turn your back on him for a second unless you want trouble. Is this your first day working here? Europe must go its own way from here on. You can’t honestly pretend to have an alliance with someone so openly corrupt, untrustworthy and in bed with your enemies. Assume this might be a permanent shift and plan accordingly.

Assume the US is lawless because it will be. Assume all agencies are corrupt for they will be. Assume whenever they talk to you, they are lying to you, because they are. And their lies and claims will all be vouchsafed by a contrived and complicit media with a Play doh court. Coming soon! A new chocolate ration!

I read a really swell story this morning. All about a homeless young man who met a Marine Recruiter and now his life is all wonderful. See? He didn’t need public assistance or aid, after all. Just join the Marines! I suspect we will see a lot of these “Good News” contrived stories like this in the days to come. If only to hide all the ugliness.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top! When the wind blows, they won’t notice Kristallnacht. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall and down will come the final solution baby, surprised as hell aren’t you? “Gee, we didn’t know!” Sound somehow familiar?

   “Joker, I’ve told you we run two basic stories here. Grunts who give half their pay to buy gooks toothbrushes and deodorants – Winning Of Hearts and Minds. Okay?  And combat action which result in a kill – Winning the War.  I don’t ask much of you people but I do expect you to adhere to my editorial policy.” – Full Metal Jacket