This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

I’ll try not to cry if you promise not to laugh. I thought I had heard it wrong at first. Matt Gaetz had resigned from Congress. See? I thought, the sun will still come up in the morning and the world can move on. Gaetz has been one step ahead of the law for over two years now. After reports of Mr. Gaetz showing pictures around on his phone over an underaged cutie for hire. She was selective in her affections. Not any man could have her, only those with unassigned money. The three “C’s, Congressman, cash, and cocaine. There’s always a party.

You can only imagine my dismay when it was announced Mr. Gaetz would be our new Attorney General. From an accused defendant to top law enforcement officer dispensing American Justice in one move. And the Republicans in Congress will say, “Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! And rejoice! They, like you and I, know if you put a small brain in a big job without any accountability. Then you could easily get away with robbing old ladies in church or molesting young children in schools.

It’s a very simple and diabolical plan. Step one, put an idiot in charge, someone way out of his or her league. Someone you know that has, shall we call them appetites? Hobbies! Something to keep them occupied and amenable to whatever the New Administration might suggest. When they arrested Herman Goering, he had a big jar with twelve hundred morphine tablets. J. Edgar was a transvestite. You put someone in charge with a built-in weakness to exploit. You make the blind man the bank security guard.

Do you know who should be the Secretary of Dense? Defense, defense! Exactly! A Fox News host! Who else would know more about the largest and most complicated military machine the world has ever seen, better than a man who reads scripts for a living. His ability to make chit-chat and Orwellian small talk will make a perfect liaison to the Generals and Admirals over to the Pentagon. It reminds me of the time George Bush the Elder sent a woman to negotiate with Saddam Hossain.

You and I, and most everyone who didn’t vote for the orange Fuhrer believe in equality. Muslim leaders, however, don’t always see it that way. Sending a woman was like sending a stable boy or a janitor. It was seen and taken as a direct insult to Hussain. Sending Chris Rock as your personal representative to the Klan.  Just wait until the Generals and Admirals are taking orders from Fox and Friends. It’s an insult from the King! The middle finger! Nuts to you fella!! You do remember how the King did suffer prior difficulties with his Pentagon underlings.

See how the little ants line up to follow the sugar trail? Have you or a loved one ever pretended to run for office against Donald Trump? You may be entitled to an important cabinet position! Quid pro quo? If you pretend to run for office against me and I win, I’ll give you a job! But there is one high profile name missing from the apple bobbing. A man soon to be out of a job as Floriduh’s governor. But see, he ran for office against the King and really tried to win, so no soup for you!  

Why not make Tulsi Gabbard Director of National Intelligence? She was a four-term Congresswoman from a small state with zero experience. Who has hung around in the political doldrums as a crank for years. First as a Democrat, and then an independent and finally making a soft landing with the King. You can’t tell all the players without a scorecard! Like RFK Jr. living on conspiracy theories and weird behaviors. Living in a van down by the river. Even using Tulsi Gabbard’s name in the same sentence with intelligence sounds like an oxymoron to me. But hey, welcome to crazy town.

If George Orwell were alive today, this would surely kill him. He’d slap his knee and say, “Damn it all! I should have thought of that! Sure, Big Brother has a rich little brother who gives him money when he needs it. Then Big Brother puts little brother in charge of a bureaucratic organization of paper pushers with the goal of improving government efficiency. Just your basic pay for play scheme. Just your basic Department of Redundancy Department and the National Bureau of “Shut the Hell up!”

Do you want to be targeted for government efficiency? Complain! I double dog dare you! Squeak up! Brother Lonny will zero you out of the budget faster than you can say Anthony Fauci. Any complaints or grievances you’d like to make about the way we do things so far? Good! We now understand each other. Do you understand Dr. Chloroform?

What does all this signal for the Administration’s future plans? You take an organ grinder and a monkey and put them in the Attorney General’s office. Then, you send the organ grinder home and leave the monkey. Why else would you choose the biggest most corrupt idiot available on the market today on the entire planet? But for the King to continue on in his unrelenting unabated life of crime. Not only choosing someone spineless, but incompetent as well!

The King kicks the Pentagon in their stars and bars. Take that! We picked this guy because Pee Wee Herman was already dead. Get the message? We’re giving the orders now, and we ain’t asking no questions this time. Guess what? Go on, guess. Mr. Trump said he spoke with Mr. Putin on the phone about Ukraine. And Mr. Putin’s spokesmen responded, “Nyet! No, he didn’t. That would be wrong. No phone call, nyet! Nyet!”  Get ready! Dig that bomb shelter good and deep.

You can always tell the quality of a leader by those they place around them. It is a feeling like being at the top of a high staircase and about to fall unable to catch myself.

The new Administration wants to put the homeless into camps where they can receive “homeless treatment.” Of course, this camp would need a fence around it to protect the homeless and keep them from wandering off and getting lost. Needing guards with guns because the homeless have lots of enemies. I bet we could combine the homeless camps with the proposed migrant relocation camps and save some money. You know, in the name of government efficiency we could concentrate them.

“When you’re cold, don’t expect sympathy from someone who’s warm.”
― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn