This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

America’s last President has released Ukraine from any distance restrictions on using ATACMS missiles. They may now use US weaponry on Russian soil. This isn’t an action, but a reaction to the introduction of 10,000 North Korean troops into Europe. When Vlad the inhaler did that, he fundamentally changed the dynamics of the game.

It’s intercontinental now. How will Europe respond to this obvious challenge of alien troops on their soil? And what is the common denominator of this equation, you ask? It rhymes with Dump. Neither side trusts our new King to be a fair arbiter. And so, a sense of urgency overcomes them to make something happen militarily before the modern world ends in January.

You put North Koreans on the battlefield, and we take the restrictions off the missiles. Wanna play again? The sanctions are taking a bite as the Russian economy slides towards oblivion. Real inflation is at 27% with soaring food and fuel prices, young men hiding in basements or living in grandma’s attic to avoid service in the meat grinder. The Russian Army consists of Russia’s best and brightest men in their fifties and sixties. The young are either dead already or run off for the hills blowing a demographic hole Russia might not survive.

Back in Alabama, in a little town called Hayneville stands a lonely monument. Not of a Confederate soldier joyously waving his cap excitedly over cannon and shot. But a four-sided obelisk pointing up to heaven plaintively. On each side, are the names of the men from Hayneville who died in the Civil War. Brothers, whole families of men, fathers, and sons. And from their numbers you look around and begin to understand this didn’t used to be a sleepy little town. This was a going concern which never recovered from the Civil War. Nobody lives there anymore. The next generation was considerably smaller and so on and so on.

The Russians are desperately short of bus drivers and locomotive engineers. Because in dumb ass land they weren’t exempted from the draft. The pilot shortage is even worse. If you have the smarts and skill to fly a jet plane. You also probably have the smarts and skills to get the hell out of there. Who wants to fly this poorly maintained obsolete thirty-five-year-old box kite of a fighter jet into enemy territory?

In response to the missile restrictions being lifted, Vlad the inhaler announces changes to his country’s nuclear policy. If in the opinion of self-appointed Russian experts, if Russia is being threatened by foreign weapons from a nuclear power either nuclear or conventional. The Russians are free to retaliate with a nuclear weapon. See? And you were worried about the orange king coming to power. Cheer up! We might not even get there!

Now rumors of 100,000 more North Korean troops entering the battlefield. Rumors from the same sources who were correct last time. They know what Kim ate for breakfast. If Vlad adds 100,000 North Koreans to the European battlefield, all bets are off. The French are sending fresh batches of storm shadow missiles and training Ukrainian troops. Croatia is sending more tanks and ordering more for themselves. Poland is redeploying troops towards Kaliningrad. If you don’t know where that is; trust me, it’s bad.

International transatlantic cables have been cut. As in sabotaged, as in a hostile act. As in a possible precursor to war by a suspected Chinese trawler shadowed by a Russian spy ship. Worried yet?

There is conflict going on within the Kremlin. Some of the oligarch’s fear Vlad the inhaler puts too much confidence in Russia’s new employee of the month, our King. They want the sanctions lifted like yesterday. And wisely, they don’t trust our King. Vlad said it would only take a few days and now it has turned into all this. And now, he’s placing his trust in Donald Trump. Is he mad? Is Vlad losing his edge? Is the strain getting to be too great?

Vlad has announced the mass production of nuclear bomb shelters capable of holding forty-five people each. Designed with that famous Russian flare for efficiency. Just a shipping container with bench seats. No word yet on what the people will eat or drink while in the shelter. “Come in Comrade! Sit down for a week or two!”

If Putin adds 100,000 foreign troops to the European mainland, it is difficult to see how NATO won’t become involved. We all know that, including the Russian oligarchs. But the 100,000 troops won’t be introduced at least until the Russian employee of the month has been officially crowned. And after he appoints Roseanne Barr or Sean Hannity as his defense Secretary. Dr. Oz? Really? How embarrassing.

Vlad the inhaler has warned of red lines and knock this chip off my shoulder politics before. Only this time, he’s written it down as a decree and signed it. It’s the clearest sign a cat is frightened when they begin to hiss threateningly about what they might do. Sun Tzu advised always to leave your enemy a golden bridge to retreat on. Lest they fight like tigers or force their leaders do something stupid.  

Back in the good old days, back when we still had Presidents. An incoming President might make some strong statement of support advising Russia against escalating the conflict. But we can’t count on that anymore, can we? But by god, the Capitol hill restrooms are safe for the transphobic again! The world as we know it may end but at least we can all count on who is sitting in the next bathroom stall. Oh, how we shall all laugh about that someday in our fallout shelters and hovels.

“God created war so that Americans would learn Geography.” – Mark Twain