This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Clever marketeers in Sardinia are promoting one Euro homes to disgruntled Americans fearful of a Trump Presidency. If I were a younger man, I might consider it. That or Alaska, but I hate the cold. See the world, learn to surf while you still can. Leave the country, while you still can.

Just days after Joe Scarborough and company flew down to Mar-a-Lago to beseech the King’s forgiveness. On bended knee and sucking in his “gut.” “Just kidding! Can’t you take a joke? Let’s let bygones be bygones, right?” Comes the news that MSNBC is being spun off. Where to you ask? Into oblivion, that’s where! But first, brother Joe had to take a royal dump on the property making it less attractive by kissing the King’s royal round ass.

Wonderful, one of your biggest stars publicly debases himself just days before the spinoff is announced. Purely coincidence, I’m sure. Joe probably didn’t know either. The parent company is saying, you’re fired. Your services are no longer needed. We are going to detach you from all life support and give you six months operating expenses and set you on your way. (Think: Viking funeral) But what is a news channel without a news department? Exempting Fox News, of course.

Remember in school when they taught us about the Nazis shutting down the free press? Yeah, just like that. You just go in quietly and explain why it would be better if you just went out of business. Maybe you should spin them off before you make the King even angrier. It could go hard on you otherwise. Maybe the King won’t call on you anymore. Maybe no more interviews, maybe. You saw the way the King’s men went after 60 Minutes.

The problem with these one Euro home properties are they all need renovation and are in many cases hundreds of years old. Electric shot, plumbing shot and they don’t make them like that anymore. And if you want to change anything, you’ll have to go in front of the committee. How’s your Italian? They don’t like people changing things. And if you think you’ll find replacement windows, you’ve got another thing coming.

As soon as the King wears his crown, there will be an emergency of some sort. The King promises mass deportations and wants to use the military to do it. A radical departure in American history reminiscent of Japanese Internment camps. Nothing to see here, move along. No news is good news and there will be lots and lots of good news.

Then will come the Enabling Acts, a fire, terrorist attack or some other emergency. Maybe they casually pass law saying you can’t move your money overseas. Maybe you can’t leave the country for more than thirty days without permission. And where would you get permission? From the Department of Government Efficiency and Efficiency, of course.

Just suppose the King issued his royal proclamation for the military to remove the undesirables and the military said, “No, that wouldn’t be legal.” But the King red-faced would answer, “I said so! So, it is so!” And who is left to argue? Take your money and go, while the getting is still good. It would be far better to end up laying on a beach somewhere in Sardinia wondering if you made a mistake. Then to end up in a camp somewhere, wondering the same thing.

Just think, a Constitutional crisis on day one. “Corporal, I mean General. You have your orders.”

It’s the strangest thing, almost like waking from a coma. All the King’s cheerleaders are suddenly waking up and discovering the King’s plans will be detrimental to their own. The latest victims are Wall Street Hedge Funds. “A tax cut! A tax cut! We’re all getting a tax cut! Wait, what? 60% tariffs across the board? That’s crazy talk! You’ll destroy the economy doing that! And we won’t get our bonuses and might all get fired!”

I guess the only good news, if you can still call it good news, is that the King’s cabinet picks are largely incompetent and doomed to failure. Prostitutes paid ten thousand dollars to have sex with Matt Gaetz. Sounds about right to me and not a penny less! How repulsive do you have to be to bring a prostitute to an orgy? Like bringing a blow-up doll to date night.

Eyewitness testimony said they saw Matt Gaetz having sex with a minor. Oh, for God’s sake shut the damn door! America can’t unsee that visual. Little Eddie Munster doing the one-eyed trouser trout boogie with the underaged hooker of his choice. Only in America! I smell a book deal! Imagine, these people party with this little creep and think he’s cool. Would you ever invite Matt Gaetz to your orgy? Oh sure, he’ll bring the coke, but kill the ambience.

The King appointing Matt Gaetz as his Attorney General is akin to Al Capone appointing Sam Giancana as his Attorney General. The King was looking for someone totally unqualified and lacking in character. Gaetz was known in the house for his pointless political stunts and unserious attitude. If approved, if Gaetz even shows up for work three days out of five, it will be a miracle. “Well, it’s Tuesday! See you next week!”

The King threatens recess appointments if he doesn’t get his way. The King is threatening a co-equal branch of government with neutering. Remember in school when they taught us how the Nazis undermined the legitimate government? Yeah, just like that!

Suddenly, the Supreme Court is no longer important. You folks just sit there quietly and look official, and we’ll call you when we need you. But we won’t need you much. “Your job Mr. Phelps should you decide to accept it. Is to rubber stamp whatever we put down in front of you. You are no longer judges, but office clerks. And you are only in charge of doing what you’re told.

If it sounds a lot like a recipe for failure, it is. The left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is stealing.

“With schools turning out more runners, jumpers, racers, tinkerers, grabbers, snatchers, fliers, and swimmers instead of examiners, critics, knowers, and imaginative creators, the word ‘intellectual,’ of course, became the swear word it deserved to be.”
― Ray Bradbury

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