This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

The King waves his mighty hand and warns the terrorists in Gaza. They had better release the hostages now before the coronation or “there will be hell to pay.” The King is ready to huff and puff and blow their house down. And maybe, it is even nobly motivated. But the King is failing to understand. There is already a war going on, and they are already paying hell now. Israel has set out to dislodge Hamas by the roots this time and isn’t in the mood to listen to clueless Donny prattle on about peacemaking.

A clear indication of what we can expect from the King. Proclamations and pronouncements! By my holy hand it is decreed that all crime shall cease immediately. A sort of Pax Moronica. The King handed down his solution to the Russia/Ukraine War and was rebuffed by both parties. The ingrates! Here was the King taking time out of his busy day to solve their pissy little problem with a pronouncement and they wouldn’t listen. What’s wrong with them? Don’t they know this is the King talking? He will dictate their future and they will say, “thank you King!”

Not that I would know from any personal experience, but they say success is heady stuff. Pretty soon the successful general or politician starts believing all of their ideas are great. Elvis is certain his clothes are just shrinking. The King doesn’t soil his mind with sordid details but decrees peace on a level unsatisfactory to either party.

I can only imagine Putin addressing the Duma. “After three years of bitter struggle and over 700,000 casualties, I have managed to reach a negotiated settlement with the help of King Donald the Dim. Everything will stay just like it is now! Only now, our army is ruined, and our country bankrupted and becoming more backward by the minute. Troops should expect to maintain their current positions forever! In short, we have accomplished nothing and paid dearly in doing so!

For the Ukrainians it is a little more direct. A Russian army invaded Ukraine with the goal of devouring it like a fat pig. And the King is calling for negotiations. I’ve got some bad news for you sunshine. Britain and France are talking about sending Instructors to Ukraine. If you don’t know what that means, see: Kennedy sends instructors to Vietnam. We were just going to instruct them. “No, no, no let me show you how again. Just like last year.”

A slippery slope if ever there was one. I remember reading during the Vietnam War how Russian instructors taught North Vietnamese pilots how to dogfight Americans by watching from the ground. So, then there is an incident. What then? Are they acting on their own national sovereignty or is this a NATO event?

Without a scorecard you can’t hardly tell all the players. Of course, Russia and Ukraine, you know already. But Russia is supporting the Syrian government along with Iran. Turkey is opposed to the Syrian regime and is supporting the rebels. Iran is sending fighters to Syria through Iraq. Turkey is opposed to Iran. Saudi Arabia is opposed to Iran. The Houthis like Iran. Turkey is opposed to Russia but sometimes friends.

If the Russian fleet gets ousted from Syria, Turkey won’t allow them to return to the Black Sea by treaty. The Russian Mediterranean fleet will be stranded and eventually lost. The most dangerous and unstable times in eighty years and the King will take over soon! The world inverted! Just like the Bible says! Wrong is right black is white, day is night. Drunk is sober and stoned is straight. Rickey’s a genius who can’t pass his grade eleven. Dr. Fauci is a bum who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Hunter Biden is a dastardly criminal, and the King is a man wrongly accused.

The King’s nominee for Defense Secretary apparently has it in for Muslims, (Thanks for your support) but only when he’s drunk. According to reports, drunk is his standard operating procedure. Pete needs a minder and women around Pete need mace. Pete was once accused of a sex crime. But it was all a big misunderstanding settled when Pete wrote a check with many zeros on it. Only then, did Pete and the young lady come to an understanding. We are through the looking glass here.

The Secretary of Health and Human Services says use Heroin for better study habits. That says it all! From just say, “no” to just say, “okay!” Mom, dad finals are coming, and I need some money for heroin. Only the beginning! Only a foretaste! What has twelve legs, six mouths and eighteen ex-wives. Six Trump cabinet members.  

The King is today selling watches on the AM radio celebrating his own victory and celebrating his own self. (What? Nothing seriously wrong with that, is there?) The King of the whole world is on the AM radio selling bobbles to the micro brained moronic masses. Get yours today! One size fits all! Makes a great gift! Just in time for X-mas. If you’re dumb enough, do we ever have a watch for you! With the disclaimer, this isn’t an investment. Not like the NASCAR collector’s plates or the General Lee reproduction automobile from the Franklin mint! The steering wheel really plays “Dixie! And the front wheels really turn! ” These watches aren’t quite as good as all that.

But collectors are collectors. Once you have shoes and the Bible and the arrest record and a fake college degree, you need a watch to complete the set. Study group Friday night! BYOH!

“It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character.” ― Joseph Heller