This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Well, apparently the King will unilaterally retake the Panama Canal away from its lawful owner. Because that’s so important in today’s modern world, right? Maybe challenge the Sioux to a rematch at the Little Bighorn. Come on, put ’em up! The King vents his royal spleen at what’s grinding his gears. To keep the simians fired up and punching at the air. “We’re gonna call it Fort Bragg, Damnit!” Important issues!

I guess you can’t accuse the King of overreaching as President. John Kennedy wanted the moon. LBJ tried to end poverty. The King wants to rename a military base after a Confederate hero of his. Of course, the Canal theft could pose a problem. A deal is a deal. Right? That was a bad deal sixty years ago so, nix, nix! The deal is off!

A guy with a history in real estate should know better. Unless the King is preparing paratroopers to retake the canal by force, it’s a done deal. So, what the King is telling his audience is utter bullshit. King Trumpolini is going to make the trains run on time. The birds will sing sweeter, and toilets will all have a full flush and swirl nicely.

The King will do away with “woke” aka, common non -bigoted modernism. But like the war on drugs or the war on terror, there are no parameters. The King is announcing the dawn of retro-grade America. Anything which the King doesn’t approve is “woke.” “Heresy, anti-government activity, fifth columnists and wreckers!” Absolutely anything applies. “Where did you get that bumper sticker chum?” [Coming Soon: Enabling Acts!]

But fear not. (probably) The King struggles to put together complete sentences and efficient government is said to be more difficult still. The King is only feeding the ground squirrels. The hoosters like that kind of chatter and cruelty. “We’re gonna take our canal that we stole from the French BACK! Just because we want to! How do you like that? Har, har, har. Because we’re mean and tough! I Drive an F150, and own a gun! I’m only thirty pounds overweight and haven’t run a good mile since high school, but I’m tough! I’m a Fox News warrior!

But be careful what you wish for. The Panama Canal is too small for many modern container ships. So, a new canal is being dug. Is that one ours too? There is another problem with the water. The lake/reservoir considered more than adequate at the time of construction is for some odd unexplainable reason no longer adequate. It seems for some weird unknown reason the area is not getting as much precipitation as the area used to get. There is a name for it out there somewhere, I’m sure.

What do we gain by retaking the canal? Nothing! Nothing positive anyway. Let’s say, you wanted to turn the whole of Latin America against you in one single stroke. It’s a perfect example of what they face. Let’s say you wanted to open a mine in South America or buy a coffee plantation and in the midst of negotiating the King threatens armed robbery! The left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. So, what they tie with one hand they untie with the other.

I ask you to put yourself in the moccasins of the new King. You pick Matt Gaetz as Attorney General? Matt Gaetz is a doofuss, and everyone knows it! Why would you pick a doofuss to be your Attorney General? I’d almost like to ask Matt Gaetz why he would he be so foolish to accept such an offer? Obviously unqualified, plus he’s a doofuss. “Thank you for the offer your majesty, but due to the provisions of the Mann Act and events not yet beyond the Statue of limitations. I’ll have to pass.”

Pete Hegseth as Defense Secretary, I’m sure reporting on war on TV taught him all he needs to know about it. I know he’s unqualified even without his neo-Nazi past or his battle with alcoholism. The question isn’t why the King is making such poor choices. The question is why the King is trying so hard to make such poor choices. You can’t convince me Herschel Walker is Ambassador material for any nation on Earth. Make sure to clarify to him,  it’s Ambassador and not Matador. I wouldn’t want him to show up with a cape wearing a suit of lights.  

Obviously, the King WANTS people of low caliber. So much so, if offered a cabinet position yourself you had better ask yourself why? The trail is littered the bones of the weak and unsuspecting! Maybe they think you’re real smart and would do a real good job. Or maybe, they think you’re opposite of all that. They want you in charge because they think you’re stupid! Not such a great honor, after all, is it? You could maybe win the Mike Lindell Pauper’s prize or the Rudy Giuliani future inmate of the year award. Or the Bill Barr excellence in disbarment award.

Dumb people will cause the least amount of trouble and embarrassment for the King. Or so they hope. And smart people… won’t take the job. So, try to look on the bright side of things. If you don’t get the cabinet position, it was probably because you were too smart to begin with, and not dumb enough to play ball.

If it wasn’t for the end of the modern world as we know it, it would be funny. It is in many respects the dawning of a new dark age where the King decrees what is good and proper. Think nice thoughts and write happy stories, or else. A world where ignorance is embraced, and knowledge is eschewed. The King will meet with Vladimir Putin and then back to the witch trials.

“A really efficient totalitarian state would be one in which the all-powerful executive of political bosses and their army of managers control a population of slaves who do not have to be coerced, because they love their servitude.” ― Aldous Huxley

They love the circus. More please!

Authors note; I wrote this piece yesterday but ran out of time. I promised myself I’d post when I got home, but got tired and then it got late. So, I figured, what they hey. I knew Matt Gaetz was scuzball. But Geez, even I never dreamed Matt Gaetz was that slimy and crooked! Jeffery Epstein meets Bernie Madoff. And the King wanted him as Attorney General. An interesting choice!