This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Okay, a guy named Vivek Ramaswamy who grew up poor and became rich in this country. Say’s, the problem is American culture. What culture? Do you see any lines at art museums or at the library? American culture breeds mediocrity! No, mediocrity is the state of not being exceptional. Most people on earth fall into that category on most days of their lives. Otherwise, when they picked the players for the All-Star Game, they would have to pick everybody.

It is a Fordism. Henry Ford, once the richest man in the world, loved to pontificate on how lazy most Americans were. How they were living their lives all wrong. Ford was sitting on top of his mountain of gold blaming hungry unemployed workers for not being exceptional. Ford offered Square Dancing but No Jazz to his workers. Hidden microphones in the washrooms. The America we’ve always dreamed of. “Someday, I want my boy spied on.”

Ford saw himself as “exceptional” and pure as the driven snow. Ergo, his genius made him exempt from the rule’s others must follow. He just did and said what he wanted. But with the deepening Great Depression, Americans soon tired of the “this is all your fault” routine. Especially, from a man eating regular. Ford’s admiration of the German Fuhrer also went a long way towards silencing his big mouth. Henry sent back the medal the Fuhrer sent him for being such a swell guy. You see, it’s hard to be exceptional every day.

I wish I had the psychological credentials to explain this Vivek guy, but I don’t. I will however use my forty-year business career listening to executives’ brag and boast, threaten and plead and predict an incredibly bright future for us all! Get ready, cause here it comes! “But to make that happen! I need you to step up to plate and be exceptional! We need some serious orders to get this ball rolling!”

All their bright ideas, with no input from distributors or customers. But it is up to us to finance and make this turkey fly? Because what? Because you’ll get fired if it fails? Doesn’t sound like an exceptional plan to me. Sounds pretty mediocre. But Vivek is trying to sell himself as some bonafide expert on American culture to hide his own personal insecurity (I’m not a nerd! Yes, I wear glasses and a pocket protector too, but I’m not a nerd. I got picked last in gym class, so what?) I’m a 153 pounds of fightin man in my stocking feet! How bout those Bears, huh? Three goals and the goalie pitched a complete game!

Who is this guy besides an ersatz Presidential candidate? A tech guru (bullshit artist) A pitchman trying to feather his own nest by acting important. Outshone by the shadow of Elon’s ass he looks to gain the moral high ground. “Eureka! I have discovered the problem! I will now solve it for you at no additional charge. The problem my dear friends is mediocrity! Tada! Sorry, no autographs or personal interviews at this time!

I’ve made it to the top of the mountain, why didn’t you? Because obviously, I’m great and you suck, that’s why! So, stop being mediocre! Be exceptional, like me! Learn how to Square Dance! Abhor Jazz music. I tell you, I’m not a nerd. Stop saying that! I’m not! Be like me! Everyone be like me, just alike! Be exceptional! Have you ever noticed how the messiah always points to himself as the paragon of virtue?

Just imagine what we could do if we were exceptional. After inventing Jazz, Blues, Rock and Roll, Rap, Soul Music and Country and Western. We could have done something really exceptional. We invented the electric guitar and the cat scan. The microwave oven, the jukebox and the drive thru liquor store. But were not exceptional enough? We lazy Americans landed men on the moon fifty-three years ago. A feat no one on Earth has duplicated or even attempted yet. The American space program invented the modern world we live in out of whole cloth. Space telescopes didn’t invent themselves and lazy people didn’t put them in outer space.

This country sent a robotic rover to Mars. And just to be American about it we took along a helicopter. Opening an entire new chapter in interplanetary aviation created by the mediocre. When Americans went to the moon, we took along a car. Because Americans weren’t satisfied to just walk on the moon, we wanted to drive on it!

Years ago, I knew the cultural arts director for Montgomery, Alabama. She’d book chamber music and Guatemalan Folk Festivals and was always disappointed by the turn out. These people just don’t have any culture! Hank Williams grew up and became famous in Montgomery. There was bluegrass, country and gospel music everywhere. There was culture all around her. But she wasn’t interested in learning about culture. She was there to teach the heathens about all the good things in life they were missing out on.

To her, these people had no culture at all, because it wasn’t her version of culture. Her version of culture was called look down my nose at you bigotry. Hank who? I know better than you, about you! Come on friend, let me wise you up to some real culture. I’ve got a master’s degree in Baroque music, so listen up! You’re in for two hours of some real fun! Then we can move on to German Opera!

“While some on principles baptized

To strict party platform ties

Social clubs in drag disguise

Outsiders they can freely criticize

Tell nothing except who to idolize

And say “God bless him”

*****

While one who sings with his tongue on fire

Gargles in the rat race choir

Bent out up shape from society’s pliers

Cares not to come up any higher

But rather get you down in the hole

That he’s in.” – Nobel Laureate, Bob Dylan

Not too shabby… for a mediocre culture.