or the Confessions of a Shitty Capitalist
By David Glenn Cox
It’s all my fault and there is no one else to blame but myself. I am just a shitty Capitalist. By the book; I should be bugging you fine people for money at least six times a day. We should have thresholds with color levels and pop-up ads and premium levels with stars maybe. “Buy me a cup of coffee! Buy me a beer! Buy me a Ferrari!” Won’t you please donate to help me visit my elderly mother when she performs at a strip club in Las Vegas? Come on dig deep. Momma needs a good tip! New hips don’t grow on trees!
Give me your email address and I’ll remind you constantly to send me more money. But see, I don’t write to make money. I’d like to, I really would. I like money and I need money. I just feel funny about asking for it. You see, I’m pretty tight with a dollar myself. So, unless the story is about the impending rapture or the King falling off a tall building, I’m not very likely to splurge. But I’m cheap and have no money. So, it’s hard for me to advocate for free spending ways. I lay dependent upon your fiscal irresponsibility.
A while back, I wrote a story about Tucker Carlson’s impending (career) death. I was only trying to be funny, but it turned into clickbait. I felt bad about it for days. I’m just a shitty Capitalist. I should have been proud of myself! I got tons and tons of reads! But I felt bad. That is not what I’m trying to do. I don’t want to gain readers like that! So, I suppose there’s no hope for me. I don’t get up at four in the morning just to write clickbait. For clickbait, I’d sleep in.
“Oh, I really like reading him; He’s always filled with bland corporate bullshit!” But isn’t that the modern way? What do you need with content for or feelings or emotions for Montag? Isn’t right or wrong simply a matter of perspective these days? Ten Ways to Reduce Belly Fat! Drink Pond Water for Better Health! Big Game Hunter Eaten by Aardvarks in Brothel.
There are a host of new newsletters available, all promising absolute objective reporting. Bullshit! I don’t want to read any absolute objective reporting. That’s the story of the holocaust and now here’s the Nazi perspective! Sure, Bernie Madoff stole millions but on the other hand. If you have no opinion or slant on the matter, why bother to speak at all Eloi?
I promise on my honor to do my best, at all times, to be biased and speak with a strong passionate point of view. My biggest fear about Artificial Intelligence isn’t machines thinking like humans. It’s humans thinking like machines. Overloaded with inputs and nobody cares about anything anymore. An airliner full of orphans just hit a mountain peak, oh look! Two for one Hagen Das! There’s always too much going on, so it’s like counting change on a rollercoaster. Maybe it’s better not to try.
I’ll just close my eyes to life and become a Republican. What about me? I want my kids to go to good schools; I don’t give a fuck about yours! I want a tax cut and I don’t care who has to go hungry to pay for it! Do we really need all these school grades? Couldn’t we consolidate a few? Isn’t eight grades enough?
Now, these fair and objective folks promising hard hitting news without any “spin” or troublesome big words. They work for people, don’t they? And they draw paychecks, don’t they? They aren’t begging for money on the Internet like me, are they?
They have sailboats and sports cars and motorcycles and girlfriends named Trish and bright futures. So, let’s talk about that bias issue again. If his or her boss told them to write a nice thousand-word story without bias about Elon Musk. They would, I wouldn’t. See the difference? They do as they are told to do and write what they are told to write. By god, they don’t want to end up in my pitiful situation at the short end of the world begging for money on the Internet. They go for the jugular baby and have the objectivity to write without any bias, whatever the boss tells them. However, he tells them to write it.
Me, I’m biased and opinionated and not shy. In the words of Winston Churchill, “I fight for my corner and stay until closing!” I come by this trait honest, my Grandfather was also biased and opinionated. He once punched a Ku Klux Klansmen in the nose, without even hearing his side. Clearly, a failure of objectivity.
Artificial Intelligence will never paint an original Van Gogh or write the great American novel. It can’t, it’s artificial and only imitates. But it’s cheap! What else matters today? Cheap and artificial! It doesn’t want to offend anyone or dig any deeper into the story. It doesn’t want a paycheck! It’s designed by engineers to be inoffensive and pastel. In the future, maybe words won’t mean anything at all.
Just a word machine like Muzak to fill the page and the spaces of your life with artificial vanilla stories about whatever they think you might require, so as to turn a profit. Don’t forget to check out our over -priced merchandise! Be like all your friends and neighbors and join the Daveparts Fan Club at any Premium level! Choose from the Bronze, fiscally irresponsible level. Or the Silver, drink too much and read on the Internet level or the premium Gold, Dad left me a fortune level. Or even the family plan! Pets are always welcome! Supplies are limited! Void where prohibited and not valid with any other offers. Your experience may be vary. Offer not valid in OH or TN. I can’t help it. I’m just a shitty Capitalist.
“We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?” ― Ray Bradbury
Please support This Carbon-Based Life and I promise not to bug you. -Dave
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