This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

It is most amazing. Lunacy is an everyday occurrence now, but some days they overfill our quota. Let’s go visit the Pope! “When?” Easter weekend. I’m sure he won’t be too busy, and he’s probably fully recovered from his near-death experience in the hospital. I just want to look around to see if he wants to sell the place. You know who thinks it would make for a great resort location. High rises, condo’s, amusement parks…the works! We’re thinking something nice like Vatican Sunrise Resort and Casino, what do you think?

Something tells me, despite my lack of statecraft. Just an intuition really, a little bird on my shoulder that tells me the Vatican didn’t initiate this state visit. “Oh sure, come visit us on the busiest weekend and holiest holiday of the spiritual calendar. If the Pope’s not dead by the time you get here, he’ll be glad to see you. Perfect! That would be just great! Just what we need to add to our holiday schedule to make it complete.

Not unlike National Lampoon’s European Vacation. You’re distant cousins from America are coming for a visit! Jim Bob! Put that down! I bet it’s probably expensive. “it’s from the 14^th Century.” Well, just so it ain’t something new you’re partial to or still paying on yet. The Appalachian Clampetts have come to visit their castle in Europe. Vatican City has only a token Swiss Guard for defense of the city. This weakness was exploited by the Vice President and his entourage. Fabersham everybody!

But I’m a lapse Catholic myself. And I’ve been far away from the church for many years, and I’ve forgotten much of its orthodoxy. But somewhere in the Papal cannon I bet. There is an ancient rule or ordinance about not dropping in unannounced on the Pope. And if you do drop in unannounced on the Pope. Don’t do it on a high holiday weekend. Hell, and eternal damnation awaits!

In my mind’s eye, I see Appalachian faces pressed hard against the limo glass. “Look Mama, there’s Saint Peter’s! Stop the car! I want to get my picture taken out front! Look at me! I’m a Swiss Guard too! Is his holiness ta home? “I’m afraid he’s a little busy, right now.” That’s okay, we’ll wait! I came all the way from America at great expense to the taxpayers to bring his holiness this autographed Bible and pair of golden tennis shoes. Great for playing ball on the court and extra comfortable under sacramental robes. And this medallion is made from a genuine Trump coin to wear around your neck!   

You really have to wonder who is minding the store? Who at the White Castle ever thought this was a real good idea? Seriously lacking in sensitivity or reverence. Easter? What’s that? Every year? This weekend? Huh? But the King’s message won’t wait, and he’s sent his best… well JD Vance anyway. And he wants to tell the citizens of the Vatican the King doesn’t think the Pope is doing them right. Let’s cut to the chase and no more screwing around here, how much do you want for the place?

The King feels if he had been the Messiah at the time none of this ever would have happened. He would have initiated multiple lawsuits and injunctions. Then he’d start a smear campaign against Pilate on social media. Between the lawyers and the propaganda, Pilate would be the one getting crucified.

But why send JD Vance anywhere to do anything? Why? What could you possibly hope to accomplish besides getting rid of JD for a few days? Don’t you remember what happened the last time you sent JD someplace to do something for you? But it’s true, Someplace high in the Himalayas, The Dalai Lama has challenged JD to a fist fight. The estate of Will Rogers has issued a statement “I never met a man I didn’t like, except for this one!” And now he’s testing the patience of Jesus’s top man on earth.

Details are spotty on JD’s itinerary owing to no one probably knowing they were coming. It’s a tactic JD has picked up over the years. Don’t tell them you’re coming, and it’s less likely they’ll pretend they aren’t at home. But you don’t get to be the Pope of Rome by falling for that one.

JD met with the Pope for a few moments where they exchanged views on migrants. Oh boy, to be a fly on that Papal wall. “Whadda ya mean barging in here like this? Are you crazy or something? Would you visit Santa’s workshop on Christmas Eve? Hey! Were busy here, got it? How dare you come in here trying to glom on to my gig? Stay in your own damn lane! Now get out of here, I’ve got work to do. A Papal blessing? No, you get out of here before I give you a blessing you’ll never forget.”

The audacity is off the charts and beyond comprehension. Well see, your holiness. I promised the wife if I ever got elected to anything important. I’d take her someplace nice. And I figured you probably wouldn’t mind if a couple of devout Catholics stopped by for a visit. I figured we’d be treated better here than we were in Greenland anyway. Which way is the gift shop?

What was the purpose for the trip besides a hillbilly holiday? A dream vacation including Samsonite luggage and Rice a Roni the San Francisco treat in a Price is Right showcase. But the problem with places like the Vatican is after seeing the Vatican and meeting with the Pope, there really isn’t much else to do. But with the Vatican Sunrise Resort and Casino, we can change all that. With 24-hour Blackjack and Video poker! Strippers and legal weed.

“In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.”  ― Mark Twain