This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

I don’t know if you’ve received this month’s copy of the Shipping News yet. But it seems due to the time and distances involved. That if the King’s team doesn’t resolve its little trade spat with China sometime like immediately. There might be big trouble under the tree this December.

The King’s discriminatory landing fees on Chinese built or flagged vessels on top of the 145% tariffs. Have so upset the shipping industry there has been a 30% decline in shipping contracts with 10% straight cancellation of contracts. So, when you go shopping for a My Karoline the Ho doll in her dominatrix outfit or a Kristy Noem model BB gun for Pete this Christmas. They might be out of stock.  

It seems there are two kinds of factories in China these days. The first kind is working half shifts and short weeks. The other kind is on the move to Vietnam, Thailand or Cambodia. But that takes time and Christmas won’t wait. If you can find it, it will be 145% more expensive from underwear to cell phones. What’s a measly $1,000 on a new I-phone or laptop to a sport like you? It’s the principle of the thing, right? The King’s fighting for a better deal for all Americans and shouldn’t we be willing to sacrifice all for it?

Heck, you can get another job and maybe buy another house someday.

Say you run Willie’s World department store and you have stores everywhere. You suspect the Ho doll, and the BB gun will be hot sellers this Christmas. So, you ordered heavy a month ago. Because it will take the factories in China at least four months to produce the products. But first, a contract and a purchase order are necessary with earnest money. And if business conditions suddenly change radically overnight? Somebody might get hurt.

Then the shipment has to be arranged for the four-to-six-week journey to the US. Then! This very important. The ship gets into a line to be unloaded at the Port of Los Angeles. If things are slow, maybe two weeks. But if in the case of everyone trying to beat that Christmas rush and they all ship at once? And the Port can only unload the ships so fast. Once out of the Port and soon on to the highway to a regional warehouse somewhere near you. Finally arriving on store shelves in another ten days to two weeks.

But because of all the trade turmoil you didn’t order heavy, you order light. Nobody wants a warehouse chock full of Karoline the Ho dolls for twelve months, when they arrive in January. Nobody wants to order heavy these days when King Crazy pants might relent on his tariffs at some later date. See the rub? You might pay the tariffs and two days later the King does away with them or creates a loophole for them. Like the 60 Minutes intro, the clock is ticking.

Say, how are those all-important trade negotiations going anyway? The King says, They’re going great! They couldn’t be better. We’re going to bend them over like a gymnast. We had an excellent high-level discussion just today. It went great, best meeting ever! The trade negotiations are going so well. The Chinese took this opportunity to call the King out. Liar, liar pants on fire! No such meetings ever took place! You, Mr. President, are a damn LIAR! The talks are going just THAT well! Like an ugly divorce with nuclear weapons.

Now that’s really getting personal and not the remarks of someone in a hurry to resolve this issue. It is in my lifetime; probably the most wholly inappropriate remarks since Nixon said, Mao had B.O. and bad breath. Now; we all know the Chinese aren’t wrong here. But to call the King out publicly like that is a diplomatic incident. It shows a real frustration and anger rarely seen publicly in Asian cultures. This looks like a job for Marko Polio or JD Vance!

Many large retailers make the lion’s share of their profits by marking up products for Christmas sales. Without those sales, it’s going to be a cold winter and a tough year. The Japanese trade ambassador told the American trade ambassador, Japan will negotiate, but don’t get stupid about it. Meaning, if you start your nonsense, we’ll walk away and leave you twisting in the wind with your dick in your hand. So much for the opening salvo of the negotiations, huh? We’ll just sell more Toyotas somewhere else.

 “In the end, I think what’s going to happen is, we’re going to have a great deals, and by the way, if we don’t have a deal with a company or a country, we’re going to set the tariff,” – King Donald the turd.

But it won’t happen by THIS Christmas. Start your seasonal shopping now, for best selection. Where is Dr. Suess when we need him? The Orange Grinch Who Fucked up Christmas.

“I impose Tariffs to make big bucks. But for the children of Whoville they get fucked. The Captains of Industry and Captains at sea are all out of work, because of little ole me. I am tough and I am strong but if you don’t like it, I’ll go along. I am King! Can’t you see? All that really matters is me!”

“No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride…and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well…maybe chalk it up to forced consciousness expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten.”  ― Hunter S. Thompson