This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

In colonial days, it was said a young Ben Franklin would push a wheelbarrow with a squeaking wheel through the streets of Philadelphia. Asked why he didn’t put a drop of oil on the wheel Ben remarked, “because they wouldn’t notice me.” Flash forward, Elon Von Braun builds his Bernie Madoff memorial spaceport right next to the highway for the same reason, to be noticed.

It should be remembered the Star Slip space program is utilizing some of the best engineers DeVry ever turned out. On the first Star Slip launch Spaced X’d reminded the press. If the Star Slip clears the tower, the mission will be considered a success. I don’t know how you could set the bar much lower than that. If she don’t blow up in the first five or six seconds, we’re golden Ponyboy!

But the Star Slip did clear the tower before flying out of control and destroying the launch complex in the process, scattering concrete debris over a mile. I’m not an engineer and my math skills are relatively poor, but I’m guessing that wasn’t supposed to do that. Maybe in 1959, you might have had an excuse for not knowing any better. Thrust x Concrete tensile strength = debris scattered across the landscape. It’s only money and we’ll build it even better next time! Quality engineering doesn’t require rebuilding next time. Proved true by no failed Roman aqueduct projects having ever been found.

During the space race to the moon how many destroyed NASA launch pads were there? None! See? Their homework was already done for them. The Star Slip is an ode to an old, near ancient, design premise. Elon Von Braun’s Star Slip is a reconfigured Soviet N-1 moon rocket. They hate it when I say that, but it’s true. The N-1 had thirty engines in the first stage, and the Star Slip has thirty-three engines in the first stage.

The Soviets had developed a superior rocket engine better than any in the west. Only it couldn’t be scaled up to a larger size. So, the Soviet answer was to use more of them. Spaced X’d says they use that many engines to spread the risk of engine failure. A solution without a problem. The Saturn V rocket had five gigantic engines and if it lost one that was 20% of the thrust. Good thinkin, right? But if you engineer them properly, you won’t lose them. In 16 Saturn V launches, NASA lost exactly one engine on one flight about a minute away from shutdown. The Star Slip lost more engines than that on its first flight.

Thirty-three engines equal six times the complexity. My car has an eight-cylinder engine, not eight one-cylinder engines. One recent Star Slip launch, the rocket spun out of control and had to be destroyed expanding the debris field exponentially. After months of study and research, the next rocket did the exact same thing. That’s some real fine work there boys. Heck of a job there Brownie!

The most recent Star Slip firing test was done with full tanks of oxygen but only a quarter tank of rocket fuel. Besides making the thrust numbers look better than they actually are. I can’t imagine another reason why. But wow! The test went poorly with a fire reported in the engines where fire is not supposed to be. The firing test was done on the “new” test stand design #3. This isn’t a new technology but a Soviet methodology. Sixty years ago, John Glenn orbited the earth. In 1902, the Wright Brothers took to the air. Sixty years later, jet airliners were commonplace. Sixty years after John Glenn, Elon Von Braun can’t duplicate his feat with his Star Slip.

The Soviet Space program was plagued by political interference. The rocket had to launch on May Day or heads would roll. It caused the work to be rushed, and the Soviet N-1 Moon rocket was launched four times and exploded in failure, all four times. I feel certain Elon wouldn’t interfere, aren’t you?

But down at the spaceport they tear down the new facilities to expand and build new facilities because they have it all so well planned out. We can knock this building down while we rebuild the launch pad! The Star Slip successfully landed on the gantry landing arms. But it looked kind of shaky in its attempt and Spaced X’d haven’t tried it again. Saying, we’re good!

This is the same engineering which brought us the Tesla Cybertunk. An electric off-road vehicle not safe to leave outside in the rain. Because the truck was designed to be sold at around a $100,000 price point. Tesla executives didn’t figure a feature like clear coating the vehicle was fiscally possible. The truck’s owner’s manual warns you to take all of the plastic parts off, before attempting any off roading. Because there are no spare parts and it’s not warrantied to use an off-road vehicle, off road. Ditto on the truck bed. If you try to load lumber into the bed, you will likely damage the tailgate.

Elon says he wants to die on Mars, and on this we agree. I’d like Elon to die on Mars too and soon. But if he gets on board the Star Slip express, I doubt he’ll ever make it past Mars, Ohio. Even with the new heat shield they are designing. Because the old one was working so well. Eight Star Slip launches and four complete failures reaching almost .0001% of the distance to Mars. Failed Saturn V launches? ZERO. Soviet N-1 failures, four. Elon is doing twice as good as the Soviets, but not half a good as NASA.

At the current rate of failure, all of the investors will be bankrupted long before they ever reach Mars. It seems almost inconceivable to believe it’s all just a big scam. But their track record says otherwise. If you don’t know what your rocket will do to the launch pad, you don’t know what the hell you are doing or you’re not really even trying.

“If anything is going to happen Boss. It will happen out there!” – Captain Ron