This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Ninety-nine bottles of trade deals on the wall. Ninety-nine bottles of trade deals! Take one down and pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of trade deals on the wall. Suppose they gave a trade war, and nobody came? After promising ninety trade deals in ninety days. The Administration has inked just two, sort of.

The British Prime Minister, Keir Starmer looked like a champ inking a trade deal with King Doofus. But then suddenly, he was all alone. Saying yes, when everyone else said No. Well, at least we can still get good prices on a new Rolls Royce or Land Rover.

But now, the Administration is taking a different tact. Don’t be surprised! You made us do it! We wanted to give you ninety days, but now, you’ve made us angry. Check your mailbox! Now, you’re about to get a sharply worded letter about your negligence from the King.

To the occupants of all Foreign lands. Dear sir, our records indicate you have ignored our plans to rework world trade. It is important to us in the United States to shift the tax burden from the wealthy to the unwealthy. Please understand this is not directed against you personally, but a massive tax increase on our own citizens. But since you’ve refused to play along, we must now spin the wheel of fortune and assign you an arbitrary tariff number. Are you happy now? We didn’t want to do it, but you’ve made us do it.

It ain’t workin Jethro. They don’t seem to be scared no more, write them the letter. A demand letter marked “Please, please! Pretty please!” And when they got there, the cupboard was bare. Big talk about “If you want to do business in the United States.” Turns into, if the United States wants to do business with the world. The King who thought he could order the sun around and tell the tides to stay out finds his power ends at the palace gates. And so, the letter.

You can almost see the rough-cut gears turning. Write them a sharply worded letter Jamison. Maybe they missed it on the news or were out of town. But I, naked King Doofus, have decreed a new order in world trade. Failure to respond might force us to write another even more sharply worded letter! I’ve got this gun and I’m not afraid to shoot my own foot. Only you can avert this tragedy, respond today or the foot gets it!

It is a letter of extreme weakness, almost pleading. A letter which smacks of fear of failure. The Administration being narcissistic and certain of uncertain things. Felt all that was needed was the King’s decree and all would quiver and fall at their feet. And do you know what happens when the bullies bluff gets called? That’s right! A sharply worded letter. So now spin that damn wheel! Tariffs from ten to a gazillion percent.

Only now, with Christmas on the line, the King declares a ninety-day cooling off period until Christmas shipping season is over. It is amazing, how do the Chinese do it? The Houthis bluster and laugh out loud at their victory over the United States, but not the Chinese. King Doofus can’t even get a trade deal with Canada or Mexico, when there already was a deal in place. It’s a whole new kind of failure. And they talk about RFK Jr. out swimming in shit. The big bad wolf and the house of bricks, huffing and puffing until out of breath. “Dear little pigs, this letter is to inform you to surrender at once or else!” [Second request!]

But the nuclear negotiations with Iran are going much better, The King says, they have reached a deal. The Iranians, fractious like they are, claim there is no deal in place. The King after demanding a cease-fire in Ukraine was rebuffed by the Russians. After the King demanded Putin show up in person for peace negotiations was ignored…again. The King responds, he’ll call Putin on the phone Monday. And straighten him out, I guess. And if that doesn’t work, a sharply worded letter. How many kinds of failure are there? Let me count the ways.

Even the King’s “Murder the poor so that the rich may thrive tax bill” was defeated in committee. In committee, it didn’t even make it to the house floor. That kind of defeat must really sting. But the problem with the bill was in its monstrosity and rapacious cruelty. Successful passage meant death and grinding poverty to innocent millions. The King responds with an executive order demanding 50% price cuts on prescription drugs. And the King’s not afraid to demand it again, real soon. He means it! A phony attempt at phony populism as the pattern has now become worn and falls on deaf ears.

I’ll sign another executive order! I’ll do it! Don’t make me do it! That’s it! Check your mailbox fella! The postman has some bad news for you pal! Thank God for Fox Snooze or they would be truly fucked. “Congress is set to negotiate in a rare Sunday session! The King achieves Nuclear breakthrough in Iran! The King will personally speak with Vladimir Putin! Turning defeat into victory, 24hrs a day.

Here’s a Fox Snooze ditty, “The King’s approval numbers are up at 44%!” Ta da! For those of you not learning impaired, that is a 56% disapproval rating of the King’s performance. It took King Doofus years to achieve that number in his first term. And now, he’s done it in just four months. If this trend continues, we can all soon expect a sharply worded letter in our mailbox. Void where prohibited. Your results may vary. Objects in White House may appear smaller in your rear-view mirror.

“It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character.” ― Joseph Heller,  Catch 22