This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Would you like to tell them, or should I? One of the glories of living in a Capitalist utopia is a plethora of new products provided to you, whether you want them or not. Every public comment in every public forum I’ve read, says the exact same thing. The public hates AI. Everyone I’ve spoken to hates it. Either they are afraid of it or disdainful of it. You can paint like Van Gogh! You can write the great American novel! You’ll look younger and thinner too!

Google offers AI to answer your queries. General answers to specific queries.  If I type in, Vaclav Havel quotes, looking for a specific quotation. AI answers, “Vaclav Havel was a playwright and the former prime minister of Czechoslovakia.” Just by accident, it should get one right once in a while. But sometimes with Capitalism you get new products, because somebody else wants them. No more Indians on the sub-continent insulting your intelligence with poor verbal skills or thick accents. Now a computer can insult your intelligence and misunderstand your question in half the time! Ain’t technology great?

Then there was the automatic seat belt! Oh, it was  going to be great! This product freed you from the mental gymnastics and insane intense physical struggle of putting on your own seat belt. They were universally hated and disappeared as quickly as they arrived. Some company had developed them at great expense, and then went out and sold the idea to the automakers. “These are great! The public is going to love this! Just wait, we’re all going to get rich from this idea.

Who remembers “Wow” potato chips made with Olestra? Now finally! You can eat all the potato chips you want, without the fear of gaining weight. The corporations, at great, great expense, lobbied the Congress to make Olestra legal for sale. The product only had one slight drawback. Possible painful diarrhea. Did you know? Americans are so fickle; they’ll choose potentially getting fat over being doubled up in pain on the commode. The best part was that you never knew. Maybe you’ll be fine or maybe not. Try a few and find out. They quickly disappeared from the marketplace and became a parody of themselves.

Hormel introduced “Meal in a bag!” It was a great idea! Instead of beefaroni in a can or frozen spaghetti and meatballs. You could grab a meal right off the shelf with real meat in it, without the can or the cold. Everybody knows how difficult it is straining to open a can or a refrigerator door. The secret was hospital waste. M,M good, the wholesome goodness of medical waste. By stacking up left over spent X-ray machine cartridges, the meat could be irradiated and prevented from spoiling. Just like in those apocalyptic atomic bomb survival films of the 1950s. Don’t eat that! It has been exposed to radiation.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t the grizzly and grotesque nature of the production line. It wasn’t Irradiating food by passing it through medical waste which turned the public’s stomach. It was the idea of meat in a bag. It was just unnatural. After two hundred years, the public believed meat must be either canned or frozen. It was a solution without a problem. In an apocalyptic survival scenario living in a bunker, it might have come in handy. Otherwise, no sale! The benefit was to the grocers and truckers, no expensive refrigeration necessary! Just don’t tell them how it’s done.

Talking vending machines were going to be great. The next big thing! Minding your own business walking down the hall when you’re suddenly accosted by a vending machine. “Say friend, how about a frosty cold overpriced carbonated beverage of corn syrup, chemicals and artificial flavors?” How long did they last? About five minutes. After the novelty wore off the machines were routinely answered with fuck you or shut the hell up or with a swift kick! The public only wants so much help and when the corporations or technology overstep that boundary, count on a push back. Spell check is great! I used to have to proofread looking for misspelled words. Now, thanks to the marvels of modern technology. I have to proofread looking for the words spell check has incorrectly replaced.

My favorite car was my 1965 Mustang. It was great and featureless. It didn’t bing or bong at me. It never reminded me to put on my seatbelt. It didn’t tell me my door was open. I was forced to use all my mental facilities to find out if that damn door was open or not, all by myself. And if I ran out of gas, it was all on me! I just put in the key in the ignition, and she took me wherever I wanted to go without any commentary or complaint.

I rented a car at the airport once and had to stop at the rest area to read the manual to figure out how to change the radio. Some of the new cars come with forward looking collision avoidance sensors. But that’s not new. I’ve had that in every car I’ve ever owned. In the old days, we called them eyeballs. Fifty years and I haven’t hit anything yet.

With AI it might be possible for a child graduate from High School, without ever having to read a book. Back in the old days we really had to struggle faking a book report when we’d only seen the movie. Or we had to go to the library and find Cliff notes. Ain’t modern technology great? Just by typing in “Moby Dick” a child’s homework can be done for them in just seconds!

No need to read or learn or experience literature. No need to practice or learn grammar, the machine will fix it for you. You can paint like Van Gogh and write like Steinbeck. Only it won’t be special anymore, once everyone can paint like Van Gogh or write like Steinbeck. Thirty-two little book reports, all saying exactly the same thing, word for word! God, what a utopia it will be! Once relieved of all need to think, question or inquire. Hey Siri! Why do you suck? “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand the nature of your question.” I said, Hey Siri! Why do you suck? “Sucking is the action of drawing in fluids by creating a vacuum.”

“But Brawndo has what plants crave! It’s got electrolytes! “…Okay, what are electrolytes? Do you know? “Yeah. It’s what they use to make Brawndo.” But why do they use them in Brawndo? What do they do? ”They’re part of what plants crave.” But why do plants crave them? “Because plants crave Brawndo, and Brawndo has electrolytes.” ― Idiocracy 

“You don’t have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.” ― Ray Bradbury