By David Glenn Cox
Apparently, the great dictator has a new illness of the elderly known as “Chronic penis Insufficiency.” (Sounds painful) It means a swelling everywhere below the waist except where you might want swelling. It means the veins are failing to squeeze the blood back up from his bone spurred feet to his orange fathead. There’s no known cure, except perhaps, hanging upside down a lot.
So now he must be painted up like a two-tone Buick from the 1950s. Bronze over white with curb feelers. Get Earl Scheib, “I’ll paint any President for $99.95!” And boy is Trump ever angry now! The Wall Street Journal has published a story about Trump and his bestie friend in the whole wide world, Jeffery Epstein! Alluding to their special secrets (Wink, wink) with a lewd drawing of a woman. Trump insists it’s not true! He declares that he is incapable of drawing a picture. So, there’s only one thing left for him to do and that’s to sue, sue, sue!
That will help him make those old Jeffery Epstein files stories go away. A nice high-profile lawsuit holding the public’s rapt attention for months and months. It helps to validate my theory that the rich and powerful have gotten what they want from Trump and now, they no longer need him. Now, it’s time to bank the fires and switch over to playing defense against the coming public outrage in 2026. Curiously, Trump began his threats and outrage tour over the Journal story even before it was released. Which means he’s known all about it all along. If it were a made-up story, it would have been a surprise to him. This is just a story which has escaped confinement on the plantation. A story which has been around for years. Only now, he’s gonna sue!
But let’s talk about something else for a minute. I’ve always been a fan of stories about time travel. And since the election of Donald Trump, the longing has only grown stronger! Who wouldn’t want to tour the vaults of time? Maybe go back in time and teach Jesus how to play basketball. Or replace Marshal Ney as Napoleon’s favorite. Or maybe even replace Napoleon! Maybe history would remember it as the Daveionic period.
But alas, it’s not to be. Time travel was just a metaphor for H.G. Wells. And a convenient plot vehicle for everyone else. Growing up, I remember the TV show “The Time Tunnel.” Every week travelling through time for some spectacular adventure. Never ending up on a farm in Kansas on a dull Thursday afternoon in 1888. Just a plot vehicle. Because there are parameters of time which are unconquerable. Traveling through time is one thing, but traveling through space is another. If your time machine is in Omaha, you can travel through time in Omaha. You can’t set the way back machine to Hollywood. It’s a time machine, not a bus company.
You wouldn’t need one machine for time travel, you would need two machines. The first one to move you backwards or forwards in time and the second machine to exempt you from the effects of the first machine. If you set your time machine for the day you were born, how old would you be when you arrived? You can’t travel through time and exempt yourself. How could you ever exempt yourself? There is only one of you. How could you go back in time and watch yourself grow up? Likewise, if you set the way back machine for one hundred years ago. How old would you be when you arrived? You couldn’t be there. Because one hundred years ago, you didn’t exist.
You couldn’t go back in time and murder Hitler as a child. Because nobody ever murdered Hitler as a child. You couldn’t because the past is the past, and you can’t change it. There’s no magical way the second World War just disappears from the pages of every history book on the planet. History, like concrete, sets up hard.
Let’s suppose, just for the sake of argument, you set the way back machine to the year 2000. And your plan is to buy up stocks you know will make you rich. What will you use for money? Currency marked 2022 or 2023? That would require some explaining, and they would probably want to see some identification. What would you show them?
You could carry gold, but it would only be worth 2000 prices. So, bring along a little extra. So, your gold purchased today for $3,365 a troy ounce and you’re going back to 2000 when it was worth $280 per troy ounce. Sounds a little speculative at best. You would need several million dollars in gold reduced to a couple of thousand of dollars to make any sizable stock purchases. “Yes, I’d like to purchase twenty thousand shares of Apple please!” Sure, it was only .91 cents a share. But the cost of the Time Machine, plus the costs of the gold plus the cost of the electricity.
Scientists tell us time travel might be possible if we hooked together all the power plants in the entire world. Then, it might be possible to move ahead or behind for perhaps five minutes. A stock purchase might take hours, if not days. With all the power plants in the world hooked together, churning and burning just to keep you there in the past. And as fun as that might sound, how about going into the Future! With Trump in power, that’s not the glittering prospect it once might have been.
Travel into the future faces one mighty hurdle in that it doesn’t exist yet. Try buying a ticket to Narnia or to OZ. You could hop into your way back machine and push the forward button. Only to discover it won’t move. You can’t read a book that hasn’t been written yet, or witness events that haven’t happened yet. Chances are, even if you could, you would probably only be disappointed, or worse. George Washington never traveled more than 20mph in his life. What would he think of airports or interstate highways? He would demand his slaves pick up his bags and take him right back home. Away from this horror show! Or Nicola Tesla, “What! A car? They named a fucking car after me? Son of a bitch.” But wait Nick, there’s more! You should really see your truck!
We’re locked into this time and to this reality, as unfortunate as it sometimes may appear. There have been worse times to have been alive. It’s a rare treat given to few to witness the collapse of Western Civilization. Where once we went to the moon, now they gut NASA. Where once science created wonder drugs, we now cut research. Where once we built great technologies now, we build prisons and close schools. Where, once higher education was given only for the privileged few, it will be again.
A sad primitive world without a cure for Chronic penis Insufficiency except for body paints. Oh wait, my bad. That’s “Veinous” insufficiency. “Veinous!” My mistake.
“Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.”
― H.G. Wells
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