This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Much maligned mental monarch makes major Maga meltdown. He didn’t win the peace prize? How come? How could that be? What a jip, it must be fixed. How could he not win? Pay attention kids. This is how you get ahead in life. Or at least in the Republican Party, anyway. Vertically challenged sycophant Marko Polio writes a slobbering love letter to the Nobel peace prize committee.

Some say Secretary of Hate, little Marko Polio’s letter did as much to hurt the king’s chances as it did to enhance them. Apple polishing 101! There appears to be something brown on his nose. I think you should consider my boss for your Noble peace prize! He’s a great agent for change and only kills people sometimes. Don’t let his arbitrary extra-judicial killings or his authoritarian dictatorship leanings negatively influence your vote!

Now imagine you’re on the Nobel committee reading this jaundiced letter. Do you pass it around the room and give everyone a good laugh? Or do you wretch into a trash can? Now, be honest. Where, oh where, do you suppose the motivation came from to write this little letter to the committee? Slow day at the office, maybe? It’s the most obvious ploy since “Please excuse Donald from the war. He has bone spurs!”

I think I’ll write a little spontaneous note and mail it off to the Nobel peace prize committee reminding them just how great my boss is. Sure, that’ll work. Why, who wouldn’t believe a gushing little letter from an invertebrate suck up underling praising his mentally ill boss? What do you mean…encouraged? Are you trying to imply someone motivated me to write this effusive letter? Whom do you suspect?

Go ahead Marko, write the letter. They’ll never know I told you to do it! Yet somehow, the committee somehow saw through this clever subterfuge and suspected a fiddle. It truly is comedy in its lowest form. The sick and twisted kind where a grown ass man sends a letter praising his boss to the heavens to the Nobel peace prize committee and hopes it will do some good. Now, what sort of intellect would believe a letter-writing campaign could help?

It’s one of those moments in this typhoon of terror where we can stop and analyze the madness up close and firsthand. As a nation, we are overwhelmed with his criminal insanity and bullshit. But here is the clearest example yet of his failing mental faculties. Sure, that might work! I wonder how many anonymous letters the committee received from a Washington D.C. zip code written in Sharpie?

In the end, the committee chose Maria Corina Machado. A Venezuelan political opposition leader. Maga believes it was all political. The committee was just trying to show Donald Trump up. Trying to make Donald Trump look bad. Like he needs help with that. Ignoring the fact that Machado was trying to bring about peaceful change and Trump was practicing gunboat diplomacy and piracy on the high seas. Who knew that sort of thing might disqualify you?

But if the committee had any intentions of humbling the king, there was another method available. A dark horse candidate who could have melted Maga down like Chernobyl. During the king’s Alaska extortion plot, the king’s official concubine (the worst lady) wrote a personal note to Vladimir Putin asking him to think about the Ukrainian children and stop abducting them to Russia. Well, gosh, it seems they have established a back-channel dialog. The bloody, ruthless Russian dictator actually has a soft spot in his heart for the pleadings of a former Slovenian porn model.

Malaria made the announcement and almost no one attended or cared. Nobody in their right mind actually thinks Vladimir gives two shits and a bubble gum wrapper for Mrs. Trump’s pleadings. Of course, he answered her, he’s a former KGB agent. He’s going to string her along like a dolt the same way they did her doltish husband. Does she actually believe she’s tamed the Russian beast with her words? That because she asked nicely, Vlad, will you please stop committing war crimes? Pretty please with sugar on top? It gives great insight into the Trump marital relationship. She’s as gullible as he is! Donald, I have achieved a great breakthrough in Russia. But Donald, we have a dialog! He says I’m very smart!

If the Nobel Committee really wanted to stick it to Donald Trump, give Malaria Trump the Nobel Peace Prize. For her tireless efforts on behalf of the Ukrainian children. The 2026 Nobel peace prize goes to… Come on, it’s the end of the civilized world. Let’s have some fun with it. If Malaria won the peace prize, would Donald attend the award ceremonies with her in Oslo? My money is on, no. Trump would be angrier than Stephan Miller at a Black Lives Matter film festival.

Oh, lord, lord, it boggles the mind. Malaria gave a press conference to make the announcement. Like she really believes it. He said he trusts me and thinks I’m really smart! I know! I’ll hold a press conference and tell the world! Then they’ll see. I’m not just a brainless twit with low self-esteem from Shitholeia. But a brilliant woman and a diplomat with a fake college degree.

From the “And then one day I woke up from a coma” files. Dementia Don has a new adversary in congress. Three guesses who? You’ll never guess. But it’s Margaret Traitor Greene! It says so much. It’s the real barometer when Trump loyalists and leopards begin to change their spots. Marge really hasn’t changed, but she suspects her district has. The Maga pony is getting kind of tired. It’s time to find a new mount. Marge is railing against the government shutdown and cuts to Medicaid. Those funding cuts to Medicaid could cause job losses to people in congress named Marge.

Oh, me too! I never did like that Donald Trump either! Oh, I’m on your side! It’s a message that doesn’t shout, it screams. Major Malignant Maga member mutates into moderate populist liberal. That’s all you need to know, Charlie Brown. It’s all going that wrong for them! They are dropping their rifles and fleeing from the battlements.

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others.”
― Groucho Marx

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