This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

A government shutdown headed into a full month. Government workers not getting paid. A dictator out of touch with reality and 42 million Americans about to go hungry and what do the Republicans focus on? Autopen! Autopen! Autopen! In an attempt to change the subject from the Jeffery Epstein memorial ballroom, the Republicans go to the well one more time with a made-up Joe Biden scandal. State media Tass, I mean Fox, features the headlines. Big Biden scandal! (a big nothing!)

Guess which state leads the nation in home foreclosures? Guess which state leads the nation on homeowners behind on their mortgage payments? Guess which state just ticked a key economic indicator of financial danger and woe? Guess which state has an insurance crisis unlike anything ever seen in the United Snakes? Give up? Aw, come on. You know already, don’t you? It’s almost instinctive! Isn’t it? It’s Floriduh. The sun crime state.

18,000 homes for sale in Broward county. Do you want to buy one? Of course you don’t. Nobody does, and that’s the problem. Germany in the 1930s had the same issues. Authoritarian government, sketchy economics, cockroaches the size of Chihuahuas  = next train out of here. Wait, forget the chihuahuas. Among the five worst hit cities in the country, three are in Floriduh. Gee, I bet a few thousand Canadian snowbirds sure would come in handy right about now.

It is making headlines in the financial news all over the world. But you know the old Republican mantra. “If at first you don’t succeed, lie, lie again. And you have to understand, it takes a special kind of liar to write for financial publications. All good news all the time! Bad news doesn’t sell stocks, so if they ever report bad news, it’s terribly bad news. Fox Business says, It’s still good! Buy you some today! Fortune blames Covid. Why sure, of course it was Covid that created the governor Runt DeSantis. The little turd that couldn’t.

The little runt sued the largest employer in the state for being woke. The little runt eviscerating public schools and libraries. And gee, suddenly, where did everybody go? As the old saying goes, “It’s a nice place to visit but you wouldn’t want to live there.” The little runt wants to be president, so bad. He apes Hrump and even tries to go him one better. The Floriduh business forecast is sunny with a chance of financial depression and collapse.

But for some odd reason which only the financial experts can discern. Floriduh agriculture is short around 155,000 farm workers this year. Migrant workers, for some odd reason, just aren’t applying for work visas in Florida, like they used to. That’s a tough one, go figure. I wonder why? Runt DeSantis says Florida’s economy is strong and doing great, but still. There is this serious shortage of skilled labor. In agriculture and in manufacturing. The problem is the competition; you don’t have to move to Floriduh to be broke and hungry. You can do that at home.

Governor Runt cries Floriduh has more tourists than ever, but fewer Canadians. Yep, when I lived in Alabama, we’d hop in the old Ford and spend the weekend down in Panama City. Canadian tourists stay for months and spent thousands and thousands of dollars. So more than just a headcount is required. Who are you going to believe? Runt DeSantis or national publications?

“Florida, Joins Texas, Kentucky and Illinois in Alarming New Travel Trend in 2025.” – Daily Mirror. Plus, travel warnings from Europe and the NAACP.

Speaking of Texas; the annual visit to see Big Tex at the state fair of Texas has come and gone. It’s gone without a lot of Texans. For a family of four, it cost around $120 just to walk through the gate. So thousands didn’t. Attendance wasn’t off by much, just 400,000 or so. The lowest attendance in recent history.

Things are bad and getting worse for most Americans. Autopen! Autopen! Autopen! Joe Biden! Wall Street lives in a dream world. Without the seven tech giants, the market has been flat for two years. You see, they all think the financial Jesus is coming to save them and his name is AI. Financial Jesus, he’s going to save everybody and profits are going to soar one of these days. These tech giants have pockets full of money and want to get in on the ground floor. Spending billions on any company with AI in its name. But just like the actual Jesus, there is only a promise he’s coming. The experts say AI won’t be profitable until at least 2029. So you better buy you some today!

Remember all those stories about the Great Depression? About how people were borrowing money to buy stocks because the stock market was going up, up, up? Yeah, just like that! The experts are all certain this will be the biggest thing to hit the market since chunky peanut butter. But with no guarantees. When I look something up on Google and it offers me an AI solution. I immediately scroll past. I’m looking for a specific answer, not a middle school opinion. Artificial propaganda tastes just the same as the real thing.

I was looking for a specific statistic. I had heard that 42% of Americans earn $15 per hour or less. So I Googled it to confirm it. Oxfam America said it was true. But Google AI said it was only 33%. Something doesn’t smell right, does it? They got a machine to replace Winston Smith! The Lie bot 6000 can process thousands of lies and distortions without the muss and fuss of a payroll. Watch out Fox News!

But I don’t want this to be all dark and depressing. There is still much humor to be found at the end of the world. King Donald the turd was lost in a Japanese maze camouflaged as an open room. Big Bother was supposed to walk a circuit around the room with the Japanese prime minister. But he got lost and started to go the wrong way towards the kitchen. The prime minister, Sanae Takaichi, gently guided geriatric jerk off back onto the track before he stalled again. Stopped dead in his tracks, suddenly realizing this wasn’t in Mar A Lago! Who were all these Japanese people and what are they doing in my house? The old copper crumb bum hobbled and wobbled his way around the room like an old man looking for his glasses.

Next stop is China! Don’t worry, I’m sure it will be fine.

I’ve been wanting to share this because if you’ve only read Tom Sawyer or Huckleberry Finn, you’re missing out.

“But it was impossible to save the Great Republic. She was rotten to the heart. Lust of conquest had long ago done its work; trampling on the helpless abroad had taught her, by natural process, to endure the apathy the like at home; multitudes who had applauded the crushing of other people’s liberties, lived to suffer for their mistake in their own persons. The government was irrevocably  in the hands of the prodigiously rich and their hangers on, the suffrage was become a mere machine, which they used as they chose. There was no principle but commercialism, no patriotism but of the pocket. From showily and sumptuously entertaining neighboring titled aristocracies, and from trading their daughters to them, the plutocrats came in the course of time to hunger for titles and heredities themselves. The drift towards monarchy in some form or other, began; it was spoken of in whispers at first, later in a bolder voice.  – Mark Twain

Soothsayer? Prophet? Time Traveler? Have you ever read a more accurate description of the United Snakes in 2025?