By David Glenn Cox
Never mind the cognitive test for Satan’s fake tanned sidekick. Test those Wall Street traders instead. Donald Hrump told them some good news, and they flew like Lenny Bruce on a speedball. It’s called first class primo Hopium 29, as in 1929. Hrump blows some smoke in their direction and they giggle and squeal like little children. “Hrump makes a trade deal with China and all of our problems are solved! Soybean prices surged to over $11.00 dollars a bushel. Corn and wheat prices also rose, though they’re in no way connected.
But Newsflash: There is no trade deal with China, nor with Korea or with Japan. There are only agreements in principle. Nothing binding, no contracts, only promises. Only press releases. Now class, what do we know about Dementia Don’s promises? That’s right, class. They are not worth a tinker’s damn. But these college educated money managers and financial experts are joyous at the news. Fool me once, shame on you. But fool me over and over and fucking over again and I must work on Wall Street. That Hopium, that must be some really good shit!
Here’s a preview of a cognitive Wall Street test I’ve been working on. Donald Hrump is a ___________. A. Real nice man. B. Courteous and helpful. C. A fucking liar. But like Peter Pan, they just want to believe and save Tinker bell. Never mind the massive job layoffs at Amazon in front of Christmas, no less. Never mind Home Depot closing down distribution centers. Never mind farmers and trucking companies going broke all around. Just listen to the sweet, sweet promises of a corrupt serial liar. That Hopium must be some really strong stuff.
Little Mike Johnson, the cling on turd stuck to the dictator’s ass, shuts down the House until next week. Then next week, he will gavel the house out of session until after the holidays. Tell me again who is responsible for the government shutdown, Mike? Tell me again! Write this down so you don’t forget. Friends don’t let friends climb on airplanes with 90% of air traffic controllers absent. By Thanksgiving, air travel will become a crap shoot with long odds at best. Save yourself the trouble and the heartache and just stay home. Maybe split a turkey and dressing TV dinner with the family. And what do the Wall Street analysts say? “Hmmm? The what?”
The Octogenarian orange ape holds a “Great Gatsby” themed Halloween party down at Xanna Lago. Sure! I know it doesn’t make any sense. What does F. Scott Fitzgerald have to do with Halloween? Maybe they will have a “Death of a Salesman” themed Christmas party. Besides, “The Great Gatsby” is a book. Who will explain it to the crooked dipstick? They say that party cost more than seven million dollars to put on! That’s enough money to feed a family of four for nearly two weeks!
I bet it was a great party, though, filled with lots of really cool folks. Tonight we’re going to party like it’s 1929! You and I go to a Halloween party in cheap masks, costumes and make up. At Xanax du, they had REAL monsters! Trumpenstein and the Bride of Trumpenstein. JD, the wolf boy (sorry, my wife couldn’t make it) Scott Bessant as Smuggy Bear and half-wit Pete Hegseth went as Foster Brooks. Speaking of peterless Pete, a three-star general and advisor to the joint chiefs has just resigned. And an admiral has been cashiered and shown the door. Apparently, three-star generals and admirals don’t like taking orders from one-star former Fox news hosts from the 82nd couch battalion. What could possibly go wrong?
Mark Twain once said, “To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” In heckerped Pete’s case, everything looks like two nails or maybe three. Everybody try and keep up! Last week, we were going to attack Venezuela. Then, the orange ogre said no! That’s out! This week it’s Nigeria! The copper-colored crook will tell you he wants to defend the poor Christians. Sure, like Hitler wanted to help the poor German minority in the Sudetenland.
Nigeria, Nigeria, now what is it they have a lot of in Nigeria? It comes out of the ground and is all black and oily. Funny, huh? Of all the nations in the whole wide world, the master of disaster only picks fights with oil-exporting countries. This orange cretaceous creature tried to extort oil from Russia. I think we have a theme emerging here! I bet if they would just sign over a part of their oil wealth, all of their problems with the US would simply go away.
Donald Hrump picks fights with nonaligned oil-producing states because __________. A. He wants what’s best for everyone. B. He really cares about Christians! C. He’s a blood sucking gangster.
Does Donald Hrump care about families going hungry? Does he care they will be priced out of the health Insurance market? Does he care that the economy is taking on water? No, he cares about keeping a lid on the Epstein files. You talk about a scary Halloween story! “Revenge of the Midterms” or Jason joins the boy scouts. No SNAP benefits, no air traffic control and no health insurance! And a crippled economy! Vote Republican!
Mother always used to say, “Don’t stay where you’re not wanted.” Scientists and researchers are now listening to that sage advice. And leaving on a jet plane, and don’t know when they’ll be back again. A recent poll showed 30%, one third of American scientists and researchers are looking for new jobs overseas. Somewhere nice, like Europe, Canada or Australia. Somewhere they can work without the worry their grant will be pulled out from under them on a moment’s notice, because they used the phrase “diversity of plant life” in their footnotes.
But finally some good news. The classic film “Soylent Green.” Not to be confused with Marge Tater Greene. Is now available on YouTube, gratis! It’s a really great film starring Charlton Heston before he turned evil. And Edward G. Robinson in his last film role. Now, let me be clear about this. I only mention this film as great cinema theatrics. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m making any dietary suggestions for SNAP recipients. But I have heard rumors. Republican politicians taste just like chicken. Only, they’re hard to clean because they are so full of shit. Billionaires are said to taste like sugar candy, but only their ass.
The real problem with Hopium 29 addiction is that when it’s all gone, the stock brokers tend to start jumping out of windows. They would rather die than to live the life like you and I must lead. They are too addicted and afflicted. Why do you think they call it dope?
“In every age it has been the tyrant, the oppressor and the exploiter who has wrapped himself in the cloak of patriotism, or religion, or both to deceive and overawe the People.” ― Eugene Victor Debs
“I saw one of his heads which seemed to have a fatal wound, but his fatal wound was healed; and the entire earth followed after the beast in amazement.” -Revelation 13:3
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