This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

From high atop the Trump-Kennedy Center in the city of Trump-Washington in the District of Trump-Columbia. We bring you to the annual Trump -Christmas spectacular! Celebrating the Trump-Jesus holiday! “Who’s the leader of the cult that’s made for you and me? D-O-N-A-L-D  T-R-U-M-P! Donald Trump, Donald Trump! Forever let us hold our scammers high, high, high! Come along and sing this song and join the thievery, D-O-N-A-L-D  T-R-U-M-P Hey there, hi there, hoe there, you’re as helpless as can be. D-O-N-A-L-D  T-R-U-M-P!

Good evening, friends and peons at home. I’m Mike Trump-Johnson, your master of ceremonies. Can someone get me a peach crate to stand on? It’s a real honor to be here tonight. I work for Donald Trump organizing the Trump Memorial House of Representing in the Trump memorial Capitol building here in Trump-Washington. And speaking of high, high, high. It’s Captain Ketamine. Elon Trump Musk to say a few words!

[APPLAUSE] sign lit. No response.

I just want to say thank you to Donald Trump for the beautiful grift of Christmas. Everybody gets a cyber truck! No arguments, you’re all taking one home and that’s final! One of these days, soon, we will celebrate Trump Christmas on Mars. Making ours the first interplanetary species to uncivilize an innocent empty and barren planet. To make Mars like Donald Trump has made Earth! A wasteland, and a place where billionaires can do drugs and molest children in safety. Thank you!

Hoe, hoe, hoe! Who could it be? Why it’s the worst lady Malaria Trump. You know, I really hate Christmas almost as much as I hate all of you people! Back in my shithole country days as a young girl. We used to gather together at this time of year to steal chickens and drink to excess. Celebrating our Soviet masters. Back in those days, we were unenlightened. We had no lights. But we used that as an opportunity to steal more chickens. Then one day, as I was flying on Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet when I met the most wonderful man and my husband, Donald Trump.

Donald came along at an important time in my life. I was aging out as a prosti, model. Little did I suspect I would end up here. Forced to deal with all you people. And I just want to say that no matter what happens in the future. I HAD NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE OF ANYTHING! Read my book! See my documentary! Give me money! Have a happy Trump-Christmas and a happy Trump New Year!

Thank you, Malaria. You may now clock out and go home. You’ve done your duty and served your five minutes. Right now, a few somber and sober words about the true meaning of Trump Christmas from a man who wears his feelings tattooed on his Christian-Trump Nationalist chest. Give it up for Pete Trump-Hegseth! (Crickets)

You know, when I took this job, you know. I promised aaaah; I promised. You know, I promised that I wouldn’t, you know, wouldn’t, wouldn’t drink anymore. And I’ve stayed true to that promise. True to that promise, I’ve stayed true to that promise. I’ve stayed true to that promise by vaping. Now, I can really inhale the stuff. Before I came along, our military, our military, our military, was fat and gay! And now, as I look across your shining faces, I see now you are also, You are also; ah, ah, ah, fat and gay! And so in closing, I just want to say. I just want to say. Can we get on with the war already? It’s tiresome killing in the onesies and twosies. Let’s get out the big guns. That oil won’t steal itself! In closing, closing, In closing, I just want to say, Lose some weight! Do some pushups, you losers!

Thank you, Pete! You know folks, it’s important to remember the true reason for the season. Long ago, in a manger in a lowly stable a baby was born. Because Fred Trump didn’t want any Jews in his building. And Fred begot Donald. And Donald overcame his over-privileged childhood. And despite bankruptcy after bankruptcy, fraud and criminal conspiracy, he became the president of these Trump United Snakes. Now, to say a few words in his defense, Kara Lying Trump Leavitt.

I just want to say merry Trump Christmas. Don’t you dare say Trump -Xmas! Don’t you dare belittle this sacred holiday with any of your leftist sacrilege. I know those leftists out there in the media attack us with their fancy facts and laws. But we won’t listen to them, we’ve never listened before and we won’t listen now! And that is why despite economic hardship, tax cuts for the rich and stealing healthcare from millions. This is the most popular president ever! Ever! On the face of the earth. Everyone loves us! Everyone! And if you don’t agree, go fuck yourself and have a merry Trump Christmas.

I now ask that you all stand for the Trump pledge of Allegiance. “I pledge allegiance to the United Snakes of Donald Trump. To the Republic, irresponsible, one nation illiterate, incognizant under Donald Trump. I swear that no matter what crimes he commits, I will look the other way. With liberty and injustice for Trump.” You will all now be docked the mandatory $19.95 donation for using Trump’s copyrighted name in public. And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, moms and dads. The resident of the United Snakes!

I just want to say it’s important to remember Jesus, but only because he was here first. But Jesus never cut taxes for anyone. Jesus never got his name on any buildings. Okay, maybe a few. But not on any high rises! Jesus never built a ballroom or remodeled the Trump-Lincoln bathroom or deported millions. You know, one of my favorite bible verses is the one about something, something and someone. And that’s what he said. And that’s why we’re all here tonight. To remember what’s his name and me! I remember once, but that was long ago. I was just a young boy when my dad said to me. And that’s how I learned it today. Before long, it won’t be like this anymore. It will all be past. We will all look to a new future and ask ourselves. And when that day comes, remember not to forget it.

Have a Happy Trump Christmas and a happy Trump New year!

“Comedy is reason gone mad,”  – Groucho Marx

“Politics is reason gone comedy.”