This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

If you live long enough, you’ll see everything in its turn. I remember the Islamic Revolution in Iran and now, the anti-Islamic revolution in Iran. They once took to the streets wanting the Shah out, and now, they take to the streets wanting the Shah back in. None of those individuals in the streets are old enough to have any memory of the Shah. But they have their heart set on it because they hate the current regime more. When money walks out the door, love flies out the window. A friendly word of advice to the Russian wise.

But the king of fools immediately takes to his podium, shaking his shaky rattle and scepter and promising troops in Iran if any of the protestors are injured. Whoa, big boy! One war at a time. Even though he believes himself to be the king of the whole world. It certainly doesn’t mean we can fight everybody, all at the same time. It’s the Nero effect. The answer to every question becomes to call out the military. One day, we’re attacking fishing boats in Venezuela and chasing oil tankers across the Atlantic Ocean. (Who knew they were so fast?) The next it’s missile strikes in Nigeria, fighting ISIS and protecting alleged Christians. Now, we’re invading Iran, defending Muslims from other Muslims.

Clearly, it’s megalomania run amok. The military must be in a tizzy right about now and hardly knowing what to pack from day to day. The tropics or the mountains? Panama or Greenland? Snowshoes or suntan oil? Bring Bibles or don’t bring Bibles? It was just a few months ago, Der Fuhrer bombed Iran. How does he know we’d be welcome? Oh, I forgot. He doesn’t care. This is the mad king of hearts. “Off with their heads! Off with their heads!” Now, is that any way to go about winning a Nobel peace prize? It appears the king is no longer pulling with both oars in the water.

The mad king is determined to fight the whole world. Vladimir gets Ukraine and we get everything else. Once we have boots on the ground in Iran, then what? Is this a peacekeeping mission or regime change? How do we tell the good Iranians from the bad Iranians? Obviously, the king hasn’t actually thought this whole thing through yet. “Better to remain silent and to be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

The King is losing the chocolate chips from his cookies and running short of gray matter in the batter. Chances are, he has no idea what he’s talking about. And believes Iran and Nigeria to be right next door to Panama and Venezuela. The king believes his power to be unlimited. We can fight them all with one hand tied behind our backs! Build more battleships! Tell the air force to start bombing immediately. Call out the calvary and abandon Portland! We’re invading Tehran instead! There is an old maximum which says “Don’t push the tired horse. He’ll fall on his own.” I had a cop buddy once tell me he hated domestic calls most of all. One minute you’re their savior, and the next, you’re the enemy getting in the middle of someone else’s fight.

But when you believe yourself to be omnipotent and king of the entire world, it’s hard to remain silent. It’s also hard for us in the peanut gallery trying to keep up. We’re going to take back the Panama canal and conquer Greenland! But which comes first? Who is first on the list? The king has finally shut his yap about making Canada the 51^st state. But trust me on this, he hasn’t forgotten. But he’s appointed a special envoy from Louisiana to go visit Greenland. A perfect fit. Don’t you think? From gators and bayous to Icebergs and snow drifts. On a special mission to sell the Eskimos Trump brand refrigerators with built in ice makers.

The medical term, at least, the Alabama medical term, would be “Nutty as a Claxton Fruitcake.” Paging the 25^th Amendment! 25^th Amendment, will you please pick up on the white courtesy telephone? The very idea that they could talk these people into leaving Denmark and joining the United Snakes is truly beyond bizarre. But I want it! I want it! (Stomps foot!) Tell em again! Tell them I, their new king desires it! Not since Hernando Cortez visited Mexico has there been such a bizarre spectacle.

What must it be like behind all the statecraft? Orange Linus, holding his blanket and sucking his thumb. A seventy-nine-year-old three-year-old throwing himself on the carpet, screaming and kicking his feet. “I want it! I want it! I want it! Give it to me!” In the last iteration of the phony Ukrainian peace negotiations, the king of fools has promised US soldiers as peacekeepers. Well, that sounds like a perfectly wonderful plan, doesn’t it? Nothing wrong with that! Nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan!

It’s all madness, murder and mayhem. More madness than one average size Fuhrer bunker can really hold. So build it bigger! The king’s $200 million dollar ballroom/ bullet proof/ bomb proof/ bomb shelter with drone proof roof and bullet proof glass becomes a $400 million dollar Fuhrer bunker. Nobody knows where it will all end. Get me Albert Speer, stat! An architectural lifetime contract to make changes every day and bill accordingly. Make it bigger! With ray guns and a submarine base! I want it bigger with a wine cellar and more gold trim! Until it begins to look like a Bond Villain headquarters.

The King wants it to be large enough to hold presidential Inaugurations. But whose presidential inaugurations is he thinking of? Why do we suddenly need to hold them indoors? Oh, I forgot. We’re going to be at war with the entire world.

It should be clear to one and all by now. Donald Trump is insane. And if not stopped; he threatens us all. He literally threatens all life on earth as congress answers sleepily, “oh, It’ll be fine! He’s harmless.” The King stopped his motorcade yesterday to do some spur-of-the-moment shopping while out on a golf outing. Shopping for marble and gold brick a brack as we all do sometimes. I remember when Obama visited Cleveland and shut down the Westside Market for half a day to buy an ice cream cone. I imagine all the marble and brick a brack shoppers in Floriduh were equally disturbed.

This man needs to be stopped and the nuclear football taken from him ASAP. Billions of lives depend on it. He is no longer rational or cogent. The cheese has slipped from the cracker and hit the floor. Invade Iran and do what exactly? Pass out candy bars and prepaid debit cards? We’re even going to build them a Walmart!

“One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship.” ― George Orwell, 1984