This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

It takes no real skill or talent to correctly anticipate Donald Trump. I had correctly speculated he would make crazy demands in Davos, then declare victory and go home. Donald Trump gave one of his most disjointed, goofy, and delusional speeches of his long, disjointed, and goofy career yesterday. If anyone still pondered the question, Is Donald Trump off his rocker? He eliminated all doubters around the world. Incoherent and nonsensical, confusing Iceland for Greenland. Not once. Not twice, but thrice.

But then, to make matters even worse, he blamed Iceland (Greenland) for the Wall Street stock market decline. The stock market declined because of Donald Trump’s warlike rhetoric. He wrecked the car and then blamed someone sitting in the back seat for the accident. He’s only responsible for good things. If something bad happens, “it’s look what you made me do!” Those darn Icelanders (Greenland) have cost us a fortune!

He insults our former allies and says if it wasn’t for the United Snakes, you’d all be speaking German or Japanese, right now. A stunningly ignorant remark made even more stunning when coming from the lips of a draft dodger. Until June 6^th, 1944, Great Britain had more troops in the field than the United States. The Royal Airforce had been bombing Germany for over a year before the first 8^th Air Force B-17 ever touched down in England. The Australians had been fighting the Japanese in New Guinea, while MacArthur was still holed up on Corregidor. The Russians lost millions of soldiers, breaking the back of the Wehrmacht.

Mr. Trump’s speech was greeted with the coldness of an Icelandic (Greenland) winter. The star of the show was Canada’s Mark Carney. He gave a blistering and crystal-clear speech. He quoted Havel! You can’t go wrong quoting Vaclav Havel. Carney explained that the old order was dead, if it had ever really lived at all. Hegemons! He called us hegemons, who no longer followed the rules of civil international society. The only course open for mid-sized powers like Canada, was to diversify and band together with other mid-sized powers and find new partners. Because you’re either at the table or on the menu. It was a stunning rebuke, elucidated and delivered with the slap of a glove across an orange face. I would wager that after all the big words were explained to Mr. Trump, he was furious.

Gee, I wish we had some leaders in this country like that. That was a damn good speech! Not a word about personal grievances or windmills. He didn’t call anyone any vulgar names except hegemons. And Donald Trump doesn’t even know where Hegemonia is located. If he ever finds out, he might want to conquer it for our national security. It was a brilliant speech! Talk over his head and under his radar and use lots of big words. Carney single-handedly stole the show.

Several hours later, as the bond market continued to melt down. Mr. Trump announced that an agreement had been reached with NATO chief and appeaser, Mark Rutte. When asked for details of the agreement, Mr. Trump was very coy and explained he would disclose those details on the second Tuesday of next week. Are we still invading Iceland? (Greenland) Are we purchasing Iceland? (Greenland) Spies tell me Mr. Trump was told unceremoniously to fuck off and eventually he agreed. AKA, TACO time! Trump always chickens out. But the one policy Mr. Trump hasn’t renounced is his Anschluss of Canada. Canada is the new Iceland (Greenland) No one is going to call Mr. Trump a hegemon, and get away with it! The nerve! A hegemon, huh? We’ll just see about that!

Early in my life, I once thought that maybe I wasn’t smart enough to be a banker. But as I aged, I discovered I was not only smart enough. But maybe, I was even too smart, but I had this character defect of the highest order of being too honest. As we all watched Mr. Trump bumble and stumble his way across the world stage. The stock market suddenly turned around. Hooray! We’re saved! Mr. Trump has called off the invasion! We can go back to making money again!

Mr. Trump is still insane and still in charge. Hooray! He didn’t drive the car off the cliff this time! Everything is fine! Everything is normal again! Such an optimistic load of blockheads, I’ve never seen before in my life. Trump is still driving, and there is another cliff up around the next bend. What is it going to take to wake them from their infantile slumber? Mr. Trump appearing with no shoes or pants, with a TV remote control in his hand complaining he can’t find the Animal Planet? Even former Trump employees and his supporters are now saying it. Mr. Trump’s little mental trolley can no longer make it to the top of the hill. He is in a mental decline reminiscent of a German fun house.

All as Wall Street says, “Whew, that was a close one! But it’s all good now!” The Trump Gestapo quietly announced they no longer need a warrant to enter your home. Constitution? What Constitution? It’s just a goddamned piece of paper. Mr.Trump explains the only restraint on his power is his own conscience. But as we are all mostly aware, (bankers exempted) Mr. Trump has no conscience. If the stock market were to crash, these dullard stockbrokers might find themselves facing charges. If Iceland (Greenland) owes us money because Wall Street retreated. Who might Mr. Trump hold responsible for a full-throated stock market crash? Certainly, not himself.

“They all did it on purpose! Just to make me look bad! They’re all in league with Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, James Comey, and Leticia James! Call out my incompetent lawyer brigade!”

Hurry, hurry, don’t be late. Buy your tickets for the theatrical release of Malaria. Mein Kampf. The story of a poor sex worker from Slovenia who used Jeffrey Epstein’s airplane as a stepping stone to the White House. Jeff Bezos had bid forty million dollars on this dribble vanity project. Because Bezos wanted influence with the madman in chief. I can’t think of a less accomplished person or theme for a documentary. What does Malaria do all day when she’s at home? She has servants out the wazoo and she couldn’t find the kitchen. She couldn’t turn on a vacuum cleaner to save her life. What does she do with herself all day?. She’s the new Nancy Davis, famous as Hollywood’s blow-job queen (Google it!) or the next Elena Ceausescu.

If you ever needed an argument for taxing the shit out of billionaires, this is it. When they blow their money on this sort of vanity vomit, it’s tax time. But the billionaires are preparing to flee California if the new tax law is imposed. One billionaire complained if the new tax law were enacted, it could cost him a billion dollars! Or one, two hundred and twentieth of his hard-earned fortune. And that would be just terrible, wouldn’t it? The world is so unfair to billionaires! It would be comparable to charging a worker with a $50,000 income one hundred and ten dollars.

“So you thought you might like to go to the show. To feel the warm thrill of confusion, that space cadet glow. Tell me, is something eluding you, sunshine? Is this not what you expected to see? If you want to find out what’s behind these cold eyes. You’ll just have to claw your way through this disguise.” – Roger Waters