This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

The Grand high orange inquisitor has told his minions, “Under no circumstances are we going to participate in various poorly run Democrat Cities with regard to their Protests and/or Riots unless, and until, they ask us for help”. That’s what you call an Orwellian inversion. Protestors were trying to interfere with ICE arrests, not the other way around. It’s Mr. Trump playing the victim card again. (See: Norwegian Nobel Prize rant)

Garsh, all we were trying to do was help. But if we’re going to be treated like this. We just won’t try anymore. And you’ll all be on your own, so there! ICE was the reason for the protests in the first place, not the other way around. But if you examine the Trump quote, what’s the first thing that stands out? “With regard to their Protests and/or Riots.” That’s not Trump. He might have dribbled out something like that. But his staff has cleaned it up. When, oh when, do you suppose that someone in a Democratically run city will ask for Mr. Trump’s assistance? The twelfth of never perhaps? It is Donald Trump backing down while assaulting and blaming the victims.

Three million pages of Epstein documents dropped. Or as Mr. Churchill put it. “The length of this document assures us it will never be read.” Meanwhile, Mr. Trump threatens Iran again. Why are we threatening Iran this time? Their protests in the streets, or their nuclear program, or the Epstein file drop? My money is on Epstein. The media slogged through it, looking for a quarter in a jar full of nickels. Deputy Attorney General, former Trump personal lawyer and Ghislaine Maxwell’s travel agent, Todd Blanche tells us there is no tranche of secret documents.

Well sure, I believe! “Shoes for industry, Comrade!” But it’s like the old Soviet Union. Who doesn’t appear on the Kremlin wall anymore? Where is Pam Blondie? Why did we hear about this from her piece of number two? Why is Todd Blanche assuring us of facts we didn’t ask for? Look at that sincerity in his eyes. You can tell he’s not lying. Imagine your employee tells you, “Everything is on the up and up, sir. And if there’s any money missing, I’m sure I don’t know anything about it.

Methinks he doth protest too much. Now, why wouldn’t we believe good ole Todd? Because the administration has continually stonewalled and dragged their feet the whole way? Or maybe because the document delivery is forty days late? Or because Todd tells us any accusations against the president are just unfounded accusations which have no basis in fact and have been thoroughly vetted by the FBI and the Justice Department. Everything else is certainly absolutely true, except for that.

Todd assures us that if there were any accusations against any powerful men. The Justice Department would be all over it and prosecute them immediately. [insert laugh track here] Because we’re the Justice Department! We do stuff like that! Any allegations of Donald Trump getting a blow job from a thirteen-year-old girl must be false. Otherwise, we’d surely prosecute! And you can trust us!

But as the document reads, the thirteen-year-old accidently bit Mr. Trump, and Mr. Trump struck her. Such are the perils of sex with young children. Mighty good thing it’s not true; that’s a pretty serious allegation. Boy, I bet if the Justice Department ever got wind of a thing like that??? I bet they’d prosecute. But George Orwell is the man of the hour. Prince Andrew is disgraced, and ejected from the House of Windsor. Bill Clinton is called to testify before Congress, but Donald Trump skates away on the thin ice of a new day. He didn’t do anything wrong!

 He’s an innocent man! All of those witnesses must be lying, and all of those awful stories must be untrue! Mr. Trump may have been in the room with all of those low-life bastards. And Jeffrey Epstein may have been his best friend and wingman for fifteen years, but that’s no reason to assume Mr. Trump did anything wrong! I might have hung out with Keith Richards for fifteen years and been his best friend, but that’s no reason to assume that I ever did any drugs!

It’s the preponderance of the evidence. The sworn witness statements. The repeated communication between Trump and Epstein. Here’s one of my favorites. “I’ve known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy! He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.” Loose lips sink dipshits!

Mr. Trump was there and was the wingman of the ringleader of a sex-trafficking organization. He was his best pal. He admits to liking younger women, aka, underage girls. Mr. Trump is a convicted sexual predator but SHAZAM, he’s not guilty! Big Brother Lives! And I can’t wait to get my hands on that new chocolate ration. It’s beyond all idiocy to believe Mr. Trump is innocent. Just because Donny likes cookies, and the cookies have disappeared. And Donny has cookie crumbs on his shirt, and his breath smells like cookies. That’s no reason to accuse him!

But these aren’t the droids you’re looking for. No, don’t believe your own worthless eyes! Trust me! Would he lie to you? He likes you; he told me so! Look, other than a few sworn victim statements and a couple of dozen witnesses. There’s no actual proof whatsoever. Just because Donald met his current wife Malaria on Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet means nothing. You could meet a lot of strange people on Jeffrey Epstein’s jet. She was just a poor innocent sex worker from Slovenia trying to build a career with her own two tits, er ah, hands. She’s stated several times that she hardly knew Jeff and Ghislaine. So don’t let her gushing personal letter Malaria sent to Ghislaine sway you. Lots of people write letters to strangers they hardly know using their nicknames. “Can’t wait to see you!”

Malaria is a big Hollywood movie star now! I can hardly wait for the sequel “Malaria, Revenge of the Turds!” Or, Malaria, “Rise of Streetwalker or Revenge of the Stiff” The Farce Awakens! Who refers to their own husband as Mr. President anyway?

But the sun also rises, and there is some good news. Tesla, in their earnings call announced that business was so good they are going to discontinue their Model X and S. Business is great! But company flounder Elon Musk wants to focus more on his AI business and on his Robo-taxis. Who needs a successful car company selling millions of cars when you can sell a few thousand taxis? Look at how well it worked out for the Checker Cab Company!

And because business is so good, he wishes to merge Tesla with SpaceX. That way the money is all in one pot and you won’t notice him robbing space Peter to pay Tesla Paul. When are we leaving for Mars again? SpaceX bought how many Cyber trucks? 2,000! Gosh, that seems like a lot. Was that sale done on a competitive bid system? I wonder what were they driving before? Cadillac Escalades?

“For, after all, how do we know that two and two make four? Or that the force of gravity works? Or that the past is unchangeable? If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable – what then?”
― George Orwell

“If you push something hard enough, it will fall over — Fudd’s First Law of Opposition.

Teslacle’s Deviant to Fudd’s Law: Half of what goes in here must come out there.” – The Firesign Theater